The sermon tonight was on the temptations of Jesus. Pastor Matt talked about how the last temptation was like tempting Jesus to stay in His comfort zone. "You won't get hurt because the angels won't let you get hurt." (Matt connected it so much better than I can remember. I only remember what struck me the hardest.) Matt said that it's like us - we have to risk getting hurt - we have to risk being known by others. That our biggest fear of being known by others is rejection. We play it safe so as to feel secure. But playing it safe is a false sense of security. Playing it safe all the time, avoiding rejection, is damaging to our soul.
I hate rejection. I know everyone does - but rejection scares me terribly. I hate calling people. I hate asking my friends to do stuff. I hate the thought of them saying no. I seem to get no a lot. My friends all have lives of their own. I feel like I'm intruding. Especially on the weekends when Elyssa is at her dad's. I want them to want to be with me. I don't want to be pitiful Erin who is needy.
This weekend has been horrible. I was so excited by the idea of it. But God has decided that He's not going to let me sin. (I even invited the sin over TWICE and been shot down TWICE! God is very much against it. It's easy to see that.) So I've spent a lot of time on the couch. I've spent a lot of time crying. I've spent a lot of time trying to disappear by reading and watching movies. But each time the movie is over or the book is finished, I'm still alone.
But you know what I've decided? People don't really want to hear that you're sad. People don't want to hear that you're hurting. Especially if it's a hurt that is so deep down it doesn't seem like you'll ever find the bottom, let alone heal it. People would rather see the happy face. I really believe that. Sad, screwed up Erin is not any fun. And friends are supposed to be fun, right?
Then, you know what else I decided? I decided there is something wrong with me because my focus is so self-centered and horrible. I can't get past my hurt. So what kind of friend am I? The world does not revolve around me, but I feel like I'm constantly saying "woe is me!" It's a very vicious circle that I can't get out of and I hate it.
This counseling stuff is bringing crap up that I'm afraid of. What if no one likes me anymore? What if people are sick of hearing that I'm hurting? Why aren't you all saying ENOUGH! Why do you still read? Maybe it's just the fact that a train wreck is fascinating. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what's bubbling down there in the depths of my heart. I'm afraid that everyone will be so sick of hearing about it that they won't hang around. If you see the real me and don't like it - you're gone. Right now I'm like the kid sticking his finger in the dam so that the water doesn't leak out. But the cracks just keep getting bigger and farther apart. I can't keep them all plugged up. It's going to be a nightmare.
I don't even know the point of this post. Just more crazy midnight ramblings from Erin.
7 comments:
All of us out here LOVE and care about you. Period! And we are concerned, but you hold the "KEY" to your happiness. And that "KEY" is action, not to just haul off and do something, but a plan to take intelligent action. When you are aware you are headed toward a potentially lonely weekend (and usually you can know ahead of time), you should PLAN something. Most people have their weekends planned out ahead and if you wait till the last minute, you'll have difficulty "hooking up" with most folks, and it won't have anything to do with poor old boring, sad Erin. It will be that people have made plans, and they have made promises to others that they must keep. You need to craft one (a plan) for yourself by PLANNING for fun and service to others. You CAN do this, and you should.
Oh girl, I don't even know where to start, but I am going to try to be succinct with just a couple of issues that jumped out at me. You said that "people would rather see the happy face." I imagine that is true...on the surface. Wouldn't you, Erin, rather see your friends happy and joyful than sad? I definitely would, BUT if your friends are REAL friends then they will most certainly want to know when you are sad. You think a real friend wants you to be fake or pretend?? Is that what you want or expect from your friends? Do you want them to pretend things are good when they are not? I doubt it. Neither do your true friends. Another thing you said is that "friends are supposed to be fun." That's a lot of pressure there. Friends can be fun and many time should be fun. But friends are PEOPLE and people aren't always fun! Why all the pressure to be something and act some way that you are not at the time. THAT'S FAKE. Friends, real ones, never want FAKE. I love you and accept you as you are, happy or sad, on top of the world or in a pit. That's REAL.
I'm still not used to people saying they love me and we haven't even met. It's hard for me to comprehend. I mean, we've NEVER met. You know? It's just weird to hear; I'm not used to it.
Weird or not...please accept that just because I haven't seen you in person doesn't mean that I don't have the capacity to care for and love you. I see and hear your heart in the words of your blogs. I know people who have met you face to face and care for you. I don't limit my friendship (which involves love and care) to those with whom I've met in the flesh. Weird...maybe. I am not the norm. I am glad I'm not.
By the way, I have a friend, who I have never met who lives in Chicago. I met her 6 years ago (when she lived in California) when she mistakenly "replied to all" on an email that was sent by someone I worked with years ago. I happened to be on it and replied back to her comment. We've been in touch for 6 years now. She's shared pictures and of herself, her daughter, her life with me. We've shared deep deep things over the years. She's been a rock for me when I needed it, and I've done the same for her! We've talked on the phone many times. We've developed this "weird" wonderful friendship and I've never actually MET her. But I know her well and she knows me well! For what it's worth... And hey, if it's weird to you...I apologize, but it doesn't change how much I care. It's my nature to love.
Don't apologize. I love it that you can be so giving. I'm just not used to it, that's all. :-)
Erin, I've never met Jesus face-to-face, but I know Him, I've read His words, know of His love, and read how He dealt with others. And I love Him. I've never met you, may never, but I have kindred battles, hurts, victories, and challenges with you. Being much older, I've walked longer with God than most people, I've seen firsthand what He can do if we but let Him. He is willing and able to give you victory over Satan and all his lies. He WILL see you through. Those of us who have Him in us love you even though we have not met you. Blog on, fight on, and He will give you victory in His Son, Jesus. A day does not pass that I miss asking Him to bless and care for you. Believe it, many love you. We'll be listening and watching, be victorious in Christ.
You guys make me cry.
Thank you.
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