Not a Rottweiller

This sentence from The Search for Significance made a lot of sense to me:

If making achievements and gaining approval are our primary means for obtaining self-worth, we will tenaciously hold to them until we are absolutely convinced that only God's love and acceptance of us can ultimately meet this need.

I don't want to be a rottweiller holding tight to a lie. I want the freedom of His grace.

Feelings Don't Matter

I read something last night and it was very profound to me. You see, I have issues. I have horrible automatic thoughts that almost always lead me straight to thinking I'm not good enough. I'd say I was working on it, but sometimes that doesn't even feel true. Let it suffice to say that I'm hoping to work on it. My counselor even prayed last time, "Lord - what am I going to do with her?" It made me laugh. She's awesome.

Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.

I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.

On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.

And this is what I read that blew my mind:

You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.

I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.

I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.

What's The Feeling?

Remember my recent downward spiral? So that happened last Saturday night and I wrote about it on Sunday. That Monday my counselor made me analyze exactly what was going on in my head when I started down that slippery slope. She made me describe the scene and then stopped me and asked me to look at my feelings. Could I remember them?

It's the first time I started to cry in counseling. It's funny how tough I think I have to be. I may be crying on the inside, but you'll not see it. You'll see me laughing. I wonder how many of you can see the tears under the laughter? Anyway, I digress....

The feeling I had could only be explained as an emptiness. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of word she was looking for, but that's the only way I could describe it. She told me to focus on the feeling so that I could recognize it next time. Then I could tell Satan I wasn't going to believe his crap any more.

Friday night I went to the Stars game with my good friend Rachel and her roommate. They were both in the front seat and I was in the back. Both of them were texting boys. I didn't have anyone to text and that feeling came roaring in - empty, empty, empty. All of a sudden, I recognized the feeling for what it was and quietly told Satan to get the hell out of the car! It was just kind of cool to realize what was coming and nip it before it got a hold of me. I prayed for a few minutes, asking God to keep me from believing Satan's lies.

Hopefully I'll continue to see it for what it is and not fall for the trap.

Quick Question

I read other blogs and most people don't go into specific detail like I do. So my question is this - is it a good thing or a bad thing to go into specific detail?

I know we all like hearing the "dirt" in other people's lives - you can try to deny it, but you know it's true! :-) But is it good for the dirty person to spread all their dirt out there? I know I feel good getting it out. But does that make it right?

Know what I just noticed? I'm worrying about what other people think. AUGH! Who cares if you think it's a good idea. I like writing this way, so I'm gonna keep doing it!

and so ends another moment in the brain of Erin. . . . aren't you so glad you stopped by?

Briefly Free

I had one of those brief moments of clarity. It didn't stay long, but for just a second in church tonight, I think I felt what it must be like to live freely and fully in the grace of God's love. It's like my heart did a little thing. I don't remember what Pastor Matt was saying. . . something about how so many people think they have to act a certain way or do certain things in order to win God's approval. I think I've been that way for most of my life. Intellectually I know that I can't do anything to win His approval and that's why He freely gives His grace and love to me. But my whole life - I've been the good kid. I didn't drink until college - and even waited until after soccer season - I wasn't going to drink while I was in training. (My logic - so silly.) I didn't have sex until I met my stupid X when I was 18. (I'd saved myself for so long! Why oh why did I give in? I really think that's the only reason I married him - I'd already given him that which was only to go to my husband. OK - getting off topic. That's for another day.) I've never done any drugs. I never even smoked a cigarette. (Although I did light one for my friend once b/c I wanted to look cool - silly Erin.) I came home on time - mostly. I got good grades. I was good at soccer. I didn't lie, cheat or steal. My brother was so messed up, that somewhere I got the idea that I had to be good because he was so bad. I can remember my dad telling me how he very much appreciated that I did the right things. I think that just reinforced the idea in my head. My parents needed me to be good because Riley was so bad. I'm not blaming them - just explaining how I think it might have started.

Anyway, in church my heart did this little thing. I can't explain it really - but I'll try. It felt like an openness. I guess it was just freedom - release. It wasn't empty - just open. But something immediately clamped back down and the feeling was gone. I'm not beating myself up about the fact that it went away so quickly. I've been locked down for 36 years. It's not going to happen right away. But feeling it so briefly makes me want to feel it again.

Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I'm sure it's tied to my feeling of having no value. As my counselor would say, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth.

FYI - My temptation is returning from out of the country in one week. We've been IMing a lot. We've made plans to go out again. I want to. Very much. But maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. Very much. Intellectually I know he's a temptation because he likes me. He makes me feel worthy. Intellectually I know that that's not where I get my worthiness. But my heart wants to go out because he makes me feel beautiful and I like it. Augh!

The Answers

I know you've been dying to know!


3263827 - The garbage smasher everyone is trapped in. Luke yells this number to C3PO.
94 - the docking bay that the Millennium Falcon is in on Tatooine.
r2 - R2D2 (duh!)
17000 - the number of credits that Obi Wan will pay Han Solo to take them to Alderaan.
1138 - Leia's cell on the Death Star.
2 - 2 meters is how big the exhaust port is on the Death Star. Luke says he used to bullseye womp rats back home, and they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
12 - 12 parsecs is how fast the Falcon made the Kessel Run.
.5 - The Falcon can go .5 past lightspeed. (That's pretty fast!)
52577 - Release date of the first movie - May 25, 1977

Don't ya just love it?

Christmas Cards

I got the cards ordered today. I love making this stuff!

Ah-Ha!

It's funny. I've read stuff like this before:

Spiritual growth is not magic. It comes as we apply the love and forgiveness of Christ in our daily circumstances. It comes as we reflect on the unconditional acceptance of Christ and His awesome power and choose to respond to situations and people in light of His sovereign purpose and kindness towards us.

Search for Significance (p. 121)

But I've never really thought about how I respond to myself! I'm horrible to myself usually. I try hard not to respond horribly to others, but have no problem responding horribly to myself. It was just an ah-ha moment.

I loved reading in black and white that spiritual growth is not magic.

God's showing His love for me over and over. I got this in an email today from Pastor Matt's weekly email:

I was reading Matthew 7:9-11 last night. It says, "Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" I know this text sounds simple. It's simple but it's significant. I enjoy giving gifts to my children, Audrey and Reid. It brings me an immense amount of joy to watch them laugh and get excited. The reason I love giving, though, is because I love them. Jesus is saying that if we know how to give gifts out of love—we, who have sin in our lives—how much more must God, who has no sin, be able to love us? Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked talking about gifts. It's the love that's significant. It is out of His love for us that He gives good gifts. How profound. He loves you. Right now you are reading this email and the God of the universe loves you, knows your hurts, doubts, frustrations and joys and loves you. Think on that for a few minutes.

I got tears in my eyes. Right now while I'm writing this - God love me. He knows all my crap, and He loves me still. Awesome!

Chew-pumpkin

I know Halloween was long ago, but here's a cute picture of how my class decorated our pumpkin.

How Well Do You Know Star Wars?

I can proudly say that I knew what every one of these numbers meant in Star Wars. A friend did have to slightly correct my thinking (darn it - he's not supposed to know more than me!) on one item. How many do you recognize?

Downward Spiral

I guess it's good that I'm noticing the downward spiral, but I wish I was past the point of just noticing and able to nip it in the bud. It frustrates me.

A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.

It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)

So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.

He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.

Flickering Is Good

It's not really that I'm scared to write. I think scared is the wrong word. Part of it is that I'm not making the time to do it. My counselor said I need to write. It's a gift God gave me and I'm not using it. So here's a few little nuggets from the life of Erin lately:

• I met with my nutritionist lady to evaluate my progress in the last month. How the scale works to give all this info is beyond my comprehension, but here's the breakdown - 5 pounds lost, but 5 pounds of muscle gained; 15 inches total lost; almost 3% body fat lost. Everyone I tell gets much more excited than me. I don't think I look that different. All I know is my pants fit better. :-) And I focus on the parts I don't like more than the parts that were already OK. Anyway - it's definitely progress.

• My counselor told me to focus on the fact that Christ is IN me. He's not just in the same room. He's not just beside me - He's closer than that. He is within my very soul. I know you've heard that since you were a kid - Jesus is in your heart. But have you ever really stopped to comprehend it? He's in there. IN. It's been a bit eye-opening. Then I listened to a sermon from Matt talking about the indisputable power of Christ. Demons never got a chance to argue with Him. He said, "Go." They went. Some of the demons even asked Him, "Are You here to kill us early?" They knew His power. A storm is raging and the disciples - fishermen who are used to the sea - are quaking in fear. It must have been a heck of a storm! Jesus says, "Stop." And the ocean goes calm immediately. So this power - it's in me! What do I have to fear? Of course, I'm not saying that I could make a storm go away. Heck - I can't even make a mosquito go away! But His power is IN me. And if you're a believer - He's in you too!

• My kids at school are fun to watch when they are just about to understand something new. You can see the light bulb flickering over their heads. The moment that the light bulb turns all the way on - that's what makes being a teacher worthwhile. It is the greatest thing to witness. You can see the light shooting out of their eyes; it makes me smile. I feel like that a lot of times -like my light bulb is flickering over my head. I almost understand/believe/trust the depth of Jesus' love for me. Every once in awhile, it burns so brightly that I get tears. But then it goes to flickering again. I used to worry about that - like, why wasn't I getting it already? But I'm learning that it's a process. I probably won't get it - my light bulb won't turn on - until I'm standing there with Him. I'm learning that's OK. Just flickering is just fine.

• I'm reading The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. One little mantra that I'm memorizing is : I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and complete in Christ. I've spent so much of my life trying to meet some self-created standards so that others will love me. I've been stuck for so long thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to love me. Duh! Right? He loves me anyway. He loved me while I was still a sinner. I'll never be good enough - no one will ever be good enough. That's the awesome thing about God. He loves me anyway.
  

• I'm going to end with words that are not my own. I read my pastor's wife's blog today and LOVED her thoughts. I'd link you to it, but don't really know her personally and don't want to do a random link to someone else's blog without permission. She was writing about having a hope and that hope not being met. She said it so well, I'm just going to paste it here. (Lauren - if you're reading - hope that's OK!)

  Hope Deferred by Lauren
  

  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
  
  There is a hope I'm holding onto right now that is currently deferred. In a sense, I am left in the waiting room with legs crossed, bouncing the top one to the rhythm of the sadly mediocre music. I'm flipping through the magazines gazing at the pictures and articles but not really taking them in. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is on the "what if" rather than the what is.
  
  In the midst of the waiting and the hoping, the verse above ran through my mind like the unending pleas of my 2-year-old for "cake, Mommy, cake!" It was as if the Lord was saying "Lauren, pay attention. Turn yourself towards me. Hear what I have to say. Hear what MY desire is for you."
  
  So I turned and this is what I heard.
  
  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
  
  Okay. I get it. My heart feels sick because my hope is deferred. And when I get what I want, I'll be happy. Makes sense. No grand revelation here.
  
  But...(a very beautiful "but" I might add)...is there a place I can put my hope that it is never deferred? Sure, I may not get what I think I want or need...but is there something better I can get?
  
  And Psalm 42:5 answered me...
  
  "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
  
  Indeed, there is a better hope. There is a place I can put my hope that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him. He is a hope that is never deferred.

Scared to Write?

I know God gave me the gift of writing to sort out my thoughts and feelings - to get the the truth of things. Lately, I just haven't been able to write. It's amusing to me. The carefully crafted wall around my heart is beginning to crumble. I can feel it crumbling - I want it to crumble - but I find myself with my duct tape and super glue, ready to build it again, just in case. In case of what? I have no idea. My brain knows that fully surrendering to God will be just the thing I'm looking for.

My counselor said I have to make time to write.

It doesn't even have to be writing here. But I'm not even writing in my pen/paper journal. What's holding me back? Fear. Who is the fear? Satan. I don't want to be in his power. I'm told it's a process. I want instant fix. But nothing really worth it is instant.

I'm off to kickboxing and yoga.

Phone Prayer

Have you ever had someone pray for you over the phone? Tonight was the first time that's ever been offered to me.

I was having a bad moment because of my dad. My dad just has a way of making a person feel guilty and wrong about things. Long story short: Mom called to ask if I had pudding. I said no and asked if she was going to go get some. She said she didn't think so, but what did I need if she did go. I asked for milk. She wrote it down. Then my dad gets on the phone and tells me I need to be more supportive of my mother instead of asking her to go to the grocery store for me. See, my mom has to make a decision about her job. My grandmother was in the hospital all week and is now home with oxygen. My mom may lose her job if she does not go back to work, but my grandmother isn't really well enough to stay alone. I got very angry with my dad. How dare he act like I'm ordering my mother to go to the grocery store! How dare he assume anything when he's mostly drunk and has no idea that I was talking to my mom the night before and asking if I needed to stay home with Mer? I know it's his deal and I shouldn't take it on, but being a burden to someone or asking someone to do something for me is one of my hang-ups. I don't do that. I don't ever want someone to think I've treated them badly. And here is my dad telling me that I need to be more supportive. I was angry and crying and of course the guilt starts creeping into my head. Here come the doubts: was I treating my mother wrong? Was I not being supportive enough? The answer to those questions is no. My dad just made some assumptions about me. But why make those assumptions about me? What have I done to make him think that way about me? When had I ever treated anyone that way before? Was it because my daughter spent the day down there? Was that bad? Was she in the way? Was I a bad mother because my daughter stayed down there?

Oh I was angry. And sad. And hurt. Do you see how the bad thoughts just spiral out of control for me? I somehow go from my dad being a jerk, to me being a bad daughter and a bad mother. Wow.

I called my friend Shannon because she has some dad issues like mine. I was just going to ask her to pray for my mom and her decision. She said of course she would, but right now she was going to pray with me on the phone. So she did. I just cried and cried. I want to be surrounded by people who love me like that. It's making me cry right now. I so desperately need love and support like that all the time. But I have to break this wall around me where I think I have to be put together and happy all the time. I have to reach out to the love and support that's right there waiting for me. I like the breaking wall. Of course, my wall is just barely cracking. It's hard as hell and hurts and is scary. But the love you feel after . . . it's worth it.

It's like how Jesus is waiting for us to ask Him for help, love and support. He won't ever force it on us. We must go to Him.

Thank you Shannon, for being there. Thanks for offering to pray with me on the phone. Hearing you reach out to our Lord for me - I can't explain it. I loved it. And I love you so much.

Lessons From My Daughter

Sunday

Last Sunday was another great sermon by Pastor Matt. We're going through the book of Luke. I should have written about it back then, because now I'm forgetting what struck me the deepest. It was about living well and suffering well and not being fearful of death - we need to die well too. But on the way home, Elyssa had something else to teach me. We always go through her lesson from church so we can talk about meaning and see if she understood it all. Her lesson was that God always provides what we need when we need it. She read from my Bible about how God provided a ram for Abraham so he didn't have to sacrifice his only son. She kept telling me that He knows best. He wants us to trust Him and let Him provide for us. Listening to her say that just made me pause. I said "wow" and she wanted to know what was wow. I said it's like how badly I want to be married again. But how I have to let God provide that for me - I can't go out there and make it happen right now. I need to trust Him completely with that. He will provide it when I'm ready.

Tuesday

Elyssa and I were brushing teeth and getting ready for bed. We were joking around about something and she said some idiotic comment about her not doing her homework would make me not love her. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I looked at her and said, "Really? You think something as pointless (in the grand scheme of life) as homework is going to be just the thing that makes me stop loving you? Do you know how crazy that is? Do you think there is anything out there in the world that you could do that would make my love for you go away? There is NOTHING that you could do or say that would take my love away from you."

Then I paused and slightly smiled. I could just see God up there saying - "Are you listening to yourself?" I can't completely 100% accept God's love for me because somehow I am unworthy of it? I think there's something I can do that will make God stop loving me? Does He not love me infinitely more than I could ever love Elyssa?

It's just funny how my thinking has changed in the last few weeks. My counselor has just said a few things that have struck me to my core. Like how feeling worthless is a sin because of how God feels about me. She talked about how Satan uses any old thing to keep us down because as long as we're down, God can't use us for His glory. We talked about my self-image and all the negative thoughts I have about myself. That Satan uses food to keep me down. I was like, huh? I need to look at things as a spiritual battle and see how Satan tempts me with garbage food so I'll feel bad about myself and be trapped in that value-less circle. I'd never thought about it that way. I thought temptations were super bad things, you know? But not food! I'm happy to say that I've been working with a nutritionist and for two weeks have done a great job at changing my eating habits. I've even lost about 5 pounds! When I want something bad, I think about the spiritual battle that is taking place. It's helped me a lot. Today, I again emailed my meals for the last few days to my nutritionist. Her reply was not as "hooray" as the last few emails. She's proud of my changes but picked at some of the stuff I've eaten - too much yogurt, you don't need yogurt as a dessert, that chicken you ate was bad, you need more veggies . . . . So, what did I do? Immediately go into thoughts of "I can't do this. I will never lose weight. What's the point of even trying? I'm going to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life. No man will ever love me." Sheesh! So I stopped and thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And started to feel a little better. It's just about not letting the negative thoughts take control, but putting God's truth in their place.

I think I rambled more than I meant to, but I'll leave it. Sorry that I haven't written in so long. I've been in a different place somehow. . . I don't know how to explain it. It's like learning is taking place but it's a process that's taking longer so it doesn't come out as easily. I feel like I'm making heart-changes and am just contemplative rather than expressive.

I need sleep. I'll be back soon!

Oh yeah - and I read Demon: A Memoir. It is amazing! Read it.

Yoda

You know how I love Star Wars. Every October people send me the email that shows all the pictures of dogs dressed up for Halloween. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I'll send one to you. They are funny!

People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)

God Laughs

Elyssa and I started watching Evan Almighty tonight. It's really good! The greatest part so far is when Morgan Freeman (playing God) tells Evan to build an Ark. Evan tells God that building an ark wasn't really in his plans. He had other things to do. God just laughs hysterically.

Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?

My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?

It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."

Surrender

So I have value issues. I don't think I'm valuable. I was reminded today that I have to surrender it to God. Surrender. I've never once thought about surrendering that to God. Not once have I prayed about my own value issues. Never.

I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.

Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?

I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.

Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.

What's Wrong?

People keep asking me if I'm OK. What's the deal with that? Am I OK? I think I'm OK. Who knows.

More later.

So Simple. So Profound

My counselor is having me think about my thinking. I spend so much of my time believing Satan's lies. She's having me fill out a worksheet type thing to help me change my way of listening to Satan and instead turning to God's truth.

I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.

This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.

For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.

I'M CURED!

No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.

The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.

But it's a start.

(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)