Rain

I'm very thankful for the rain. Want to know why? It's not what you think. Yeah, yeah - it gives all living things a drink. Yea for rain. But it also stops silly blond girls from thinking they can actually dig up stumps in the flower bed.

Holy crap! Have you ever tried to dig up the roots of a bush? This is no wimpy bush either. It's more like a tree - that's what it is! I think I have 4 to pull up. I couldn't even get the first one to wiggle! I dug all around it, not in dirt mind you. This is thick Texas clay. I thought with the ground being wet it would be easier. Um, no. I got very discouraged. I wanted to quit. But I just knew all the neighbors were watching out their windows. Let's listen in on their conversations, shall we?

Thank God that blond gringa is actually going to clean up her flower beds. Uh-oh, she's having trouble. Should we offer to help? Nah, it's more fun to watch her struggle. Look at her singing with her headphones. Dig blondie, dig! You can do it. Oh it's starting to rain. Does the blondie have a brain or will she keep digging in the rain? Nope, she went inside. Good gringa. Smart. Now - what's she doing out here with a camera?

Thank God for rain. I could go inside without shame.

And since I had a camera, can I just rant for a bit about those stupid fluffy webworms? You know the ones. They are all cute and fluffy. They have completely eaten one of my trees. Look there are almost no leaves left. Stupid greedy little suckers.

Not My Favorite & My Favorite

Why aren't I sleeping? I'm so tired. Know what I've been doing? Trying on clothes! Yeah - trying to figure out what to wear on the 5th. Is that stupid or what? It's like an entire week away, but I'm concerned about it right now! AUGH! Dating is NOT my favorite thing to do in the world. Does anyone out there really like it? I want to stop worrying, relax and just enjoy it.

Too many things to wonder about.

On another note - I listened to a CD today that I haven't in awhile. I was listening to DC Talk's Red Letters and when I heard Kevin Max's voice, I just gave a big sigh. I haven't listened to Kevin Max in a long time. It's been months. There are too many memories attached to his voice and his songs. But today - ahhh. It was nice to hear from him. I put on The Imposter and turned it way up. I'm sure the guy in the car in front of me enjoyed my singing show. It did bring back a lot of memories - some of the lyrics of Sanctuary written out to me when he got home . . . part of Imposter that always gave me hope: "this is such a strange beginning. i follow you and i find new meaning. we are formed from all these pieces, take my love and give it reason and you know our day will come. . . ." Anyway - it didn't make me sad this time. I'm really glad it didn't make me sad. It was. . . bittersweet. I learned a lot during that time - and for that I will always be thankful. The biggest thing I learned was that there are guys out there who have at least some of the qualities I want in a man. There are guys who will open their hearts, guys who will send me an email just to let me know when something moves him, guys who are ready and willing to make me laugh - constantly! There are guys who can be as dorky as me. We watched Star Wars at separate homes while IMing during the entire movie and he was as adamant as me that we had to be in the same exact spot the whole time. I think that was one of the best evenings in my life. I know many of you will never ever understand that, but I loved that night. There are guys who can write phenomenally and there are guys who love our Savior and always bring the conversation back to Him.

And some day - my guy will have all that and more.

I have to be honest. Now I'm a bit sad. I just wish I understood everything - you know? That's OK. Someday ~ I will.

Finally!

I have a date on July 5th. Yeah, that's a long time from now and it's been a long time coming and who knows if it will really happen.

But for this moment - I'm going to be excited.

To My Future Husband

Hey Future Husband,

I don't know if you are reading. In fact, I highly doubt that you are. It'd be kind of cool if you were, but most unlikely. I wonder if I know you already? Probably not. That's OK. I don't have to know you yet.

I realized something today. I don't like my dad very much. Don't get me wrong - I love the guy. He's my dad. But he's not the kind of man I want to model my future husband after.

My parents had a chest of drawers that was from a set I had as a kid. We took one piece and put it in Elyssa's room a long time ago. I just recently got the nightstand and asked my mom if I could get the large chest too. She thought that was fine. She found another chest yesterday to use instead and started to move it in today. My dad - he doesn't think a woman is capable of doing anything. He wasn't feeling well (ie - drunk or hung-over) so he put on his sad face and proceeded to help. He made my mom feel like it was all her fault for even trying this. That she was stupid to even think of doing it. I found myself falling into the trap of feeling bad about it and then just wanted to smack him upside the head. He didn't have to help. He could be an ass all by himself in the other room. He could do what he always did - sit, watch TV and drink his Jack Daniels. I wanted to yell at him. I was saddened because I realized my mom had to put up with this for their whole marriage. He's always been like that. Any time she wanted to change the furniture around or paint something or ANYTHING, he always made her feel like crap. Me too, now that I think about it. I can remember wanting to put up Christmas lights and how he made me feel like it was such a hassle and just dumb. I felt bad because I was doing something he didn't want to do.

Guess what my ex is like? He's EXACTLY the same way. Anytime I wanted to do something, he'd help - but not joyfully. He'd do it, but I'd have to put up with his body language and comments that made me think I was stupid and how could I waste his time like that?

I want a real man - a Godly man. Not a perfect man - I know that doesn't exist. But a man who will joyfully help his wife - EVEN if he doesn't really want to do it. A man who will be excited on vacations and not treat it all as a big waste of his time. A man who will be a man. A real man. Not the crappy, self-centered men that surround us these days. I want a man who will love his wife like Christ loves the church. Do men like this exist? Single men? Are they a myth? Or are they all just taken already?

So - future husband, if you're reading, be ready to do some projects with me while we're dating. You're going to have to prove that you are a real man. Are you ready to love me like Christ loves the church? Do you understand what that means? He was willing to suffer and die. He was willing to love through the pain and heartache. He was willing to forgive. He was willing. Are you?

It makes me wonder what I do or don't do as a wife. How can I know? Who can tell me now? I'm slowly chipping away at the layers of crap that have defined me for so many years. I'm working right now to be the best I can be for you. Well, not just you. There's Someone who will forever be more important than you. I hope you aren't the jealous type. I'm giving Him my entire heart and soul. Maybe one day, He'll feel that it's time for you to join our circle. I hope so.

Keep healing, future husband. Keep leaning on our Savior. Keep yearning for me. I'm waiting for you. I hope you'll wait for me too.

~Erin

Whiney Baby?

Am I coming across as a big fat whiner? I don't mean to be. Just venting. Sorry - had to check.

Bad Mood

I've been in such a mood the last few days. I couldn't figure it out. Now I know why I was psycho freak! I was taking my meds this afternoon (yeah - meds - ha! - you always knew I was a crazy person!) and realized somewhere in the last few days I totally forgot to take them. I took Monday's meds today. Ahhh - that explains it. Of course I did have to stop and think - what is today? Is it Monday? Or is it Tuesday? (I just LOVE being a teacher!) It's just vitamins and allergy and - oh yeah my anti-depressant. Now all you Tom Cruise wanna-bes can be mad at me taking something. I don't care. I guess you'll just have to stop reading. So sad for you. Trust me when I say - life is much better when I'm taking something. (Yeah - now you really think I'm nuts.)

This is what happened prior to realizing I hadn't taken my medicine. My dad called and asked me to get on the web and find out how to get rid of those webworm things that get in your trees. I asked him why - was he having lots of issues with them? He asked when was the last time I looked in my backyard. I told him I hate my backyard so I try to never look back there. There's not enough grass. It's just ugly. I peeked out my back door - holy crap! It looked like gigantor spiders had invaded my trees. I started to cry. I told my dad it is never ending! I'm trying so hard to clean up the inside of my house - get Elyssa's room and the game room organized and clean out the poop that has accumulated in our house. (Not real poop!) And the outside is totally falling apart too. I hate doing it all by myself.

The front of my house looks horrible - so unloved. I need to get a new fence. I need the siding repaired on my house. I need grass in the back yard and I want a deck. I have 3 trees that I want cut down. I totally whacked all my bushes down out front, so now I need to get the stumps out of my flower beds. I need my flower beds dug up and expanded. I need to paint furniture for Elyssa's room. I need to hang shelves in her room and in the game room. I need to organize the office.

Then I think about all the people who don't even have houses and wonder why I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Why am I focusing on the negative so much lately? How do I switch it back to focusing on the positive? I know part of it is that I haven't spent much time with God lately. Life doesn't work with out Him - but here I am trying yet again to do it all on my own. Have I prayed for any of that stuff that's worrying me? Of course not. I did pray for a fence - once - many weeks ago.

Wow - I love writing here. I love how it clears out the crap in my head and helps me realize what's important. God ~ help me to focus on what is right - You. Only You.

Reader ~ thanks for listening to my rant.

Pathetic? Yes!

Would it be horribly pathetic to email someone and ask if there would ever be a chance for us? Why can't feelings that are gone, just stay gone? Why do I have to clean out a drawer (stupid need to clean!) and stumble across a picture that I stole from a kid's backpack (holy crap - I can't believe I'm admitting that!) and copied on the copy machine at school. And it's not really stealing. I put it back! (I did recently find the one I've been carrying in my wallet since November! Oh yeah - pathetic with a capital P.) How can someone I don't even get to talk to anymore still feel like the right one for me? And while I'm confessing, let's just go ahead and admit that I cyber-snooped. On his myspace page it says, "To love and be loved is all he ever wanted." Um, hello? I could do that for you. I could love you and you could love me and we'd both be happy. But no - something must be wrong with me. I'm not it. Why not? Why can't I be it?

Maybe because your a pathetic psycho freak?

I've been out of school for two weeks. I've done nothing. I'm feeling a tad bit like a loser. My pastor yesterday asked us what we were doing with the opportunities that God has given us. I've got the opportunity of lots of time off - that I could be using for His glory. What am I doing? Watching my DVDs of Friends (I'm in season 6) and wondering why I can't have a boyfriend. I got to hug a guy on Saturday night. He's the son of a friend of mine. (Sorry Debbie - if you're reading!) He's 26 (way too young for me) but so . . . manly! He was . . . sturdy, strong. . . tough. . . a man! It's amusing to me (and at the same time quite sad) that something so minor made such a huge impression on me. I miss a man's touch more than I like to admit. So why can't I have one of my own?

Could it be because you're sitting around watching TV instead of out doing stuff? Or possibly because you are a pathetic psycho freak?

I'm so sick of myself. And I'm stuck with me. AUGHH!

So, I shouldn't email him. That would be dumb, right? Even though we're so right for each other? Except for the whole fact that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me . . . . But why not? I could go on and on about why we would be great. Nah, I guess it doesn't really matter what I think. So what's wrong with me? That's a rhetorical question - I know what's wrong with me. But I think it would be awfully pathetic to actually list it all out for you. I'm not quite to that point of pathetic-ness yet. But stay tuned. I'm sure it'll happen soon.

Pictures Soon

We went riding again today. I really love it - especially after buying a better (i.e. "softer") seat. Ahhhh. . . . Although, I had to get grief from the bike shop dude because I bought an "off the rack" bike instead of buying one from somebody who knows what they're doing. I promised him that if we really ride a lot, I'll come in and get a better bike. But I'd rather spend $60 on something that may be a passing fancy than $250 on one of his bikes. I was smart, right?

I'll try to get some pictures of us if you really must have some. I suppose I could take one of Elyssa and she could take one of me. We saw some baby ducks today and learned about picking up a lot of speed before you get to a hill. Elyssa was cracking me up. We went about 2 miles today - which probably for an adult isn't that far, but I was proud of Elyssa. Although, I was breathing harder than she was. Hmmmm. Now if only my leg muscles will start bulging out again like they used to when I played soccer. THEN I will be very happy. Ha! Maybe that's too much info. . . .

First Base

Elyssa asked me today, "Did you ever slide into first base with my dad?"

Huh?

Then I remembered that stupid Texas Rangers billboard that says

First Base
has nothing to do with
Kissing

I was cracking up! She had asked me about that sign a long time ago and I struggled through how people used to say that kissing was like getting to first base. How do you explain that? Then I was concerned about the other bases! What if she asked about those!? Luckily she has not asked about those. I'm sure it's coming.

Then to answer her question about first base with her dad - ugh. It was funny. "Yes Elyssa, your dad and I used to kiss a lot. But not any more." Just awkward weird funny stuff. And I know this is only the beginning! I want to be honest with her so that when it matters, she knows she can ask me anything. But I also don't want to tell her more than she needs to know. It's weird.

New Bikes

Elyssa learned how to ride a bike at her dad's house. Yea! I was hoping he'd teach her. I tried, but running behind a bike is not my idea of fun. That's a dad's job. I'm proud of him for stepping up.

We had to buy her a bigger bicycle. So we decided to get one for me too, because obviously she's going to want to ride around. I think I'm going to die. How does a 7 year old have more energy to ride bikes than me? She was constantly waaaay ahead of me. My legs feel like jello. I need a shower. And what's this about helmets? I don't want to wear one. I didn't wear one when I was a kid. I hate them. They look dorky and make your head hot. But I am a responsible parent. I let Elyssa pick out a helmet just like hers (thankfully just red and purple - we looked for a Star Wars one, but no luck.) I'm wearing it. I don't like it - but I'm wearing it.

I didn't fall at all! Yea me!

Unfailing Love

This verse brought tears:

Psalms 33:11
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.

It's comforting to know that no matter what - God's purpose will be done. Even when we don't get it. Even when it doesn't go the way we think. God's got it all under control. I also like how it says "the purposes of His heart." I don't know that I think about God's heart very much. It makes Him more of a man I can hug rather than crotchety old judge guy looking down. Is that totally disrespectful?

I also read this:

Psalm 32:10
Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him.

I thought to myself - that's kind of cool. Unfailing Love. I even wrote it in the margin of my Bible. Unfailing Love. So I kept reading:

Psalm 33:5
The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of His unfailing love.

Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love,

At this point, I stopped and thought - OK God. I get it. Unfailing love. That's what You are. I see and understand. And kept reading. . . .

Psalm 33:22
May Your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

Hey David - repeat much? Unfailing Love. Unfailing. Do you get it? It's hard to comprehend because we have nothing to compare it to on Earth. Love has failed us all a bazillion times. There is no such thing as unfailing love among humans. We can try as hard as we want - but we'll still fail each other. But God - His love is UNFAILING. It never fails. Ever. I don't know - it kind of blows my mind. I'm not sure I trust it. I mean, I do. But. . . it is very hard to imagine. It's hard to trust that He will never fail me since everybody else has at one time or another. Surely I'm not the only one with these trust issues?