I was mad at my counselor. She told me to buy this book called Facing Love Addiction. What garbage, I thought. I rolled my eyes at her and she gave me a little smirk and said buy it anyway. She let me know it was a secular book, but it would have some points that might make some things clear to me. I've had it for a week and just kept looking at it, glaring at it really, because I thought it was stupid. I don't like self-help books anyway. And love addiction? What kind of crap is that?
But, being the people pleaser that I am, I figured I better try it out so that at least I could tell Ann I read a little bit. I hate to have homework that's not even attempted. I didn't want to have to go to her and say I haven't even started it.
The beginning just fed my hatred of it. It had a lot of Al-Anon type jargon in it and that always bugged me. I got so much of that from my mom. (Don't get me wrong - Al-Anon worked for her and I'll always be grateful for that. But I didn't want it - didn't want anything to do with it.) I skimmed a bit and read a bit and skimmed some more until I got to the middle of chapter two. A few sentences kind of hit me. Then a couple really stood out. Then I got to chapter three - The Emotional Cycles of The Love Addict. HOLY CRAP! This was my weekend. This cycle was exactly a play by play of my weekend. It goes from being attracted, to feeling high, to getting relief, to showing more neediness but denying the walls, to crumbling denial, to withdrawal, to obsessing, to acting compulsively to repeating the cycle. I won't go into all the gory details, but . . . it just made me think. (sorry the picture is so bad - I can't get a good scan of it.)
Not sure I want to share, but you're on this journey with me, so you might as well hear it all.
2 comments:
Change starts with a clear vision of reality. Maybe you have been given a "closer" look. If you don't like your reality, change is your answer. It won't be easy, but you'll have help and encouragement, His, mine, and all the other people who love you. You can depend on Him and us. Go for it!
Ooooh, just from the brief description of that chapter...it sounds like an old chapter from my life. Several years ago with my kiddo's father...that was SOOOOOOOOOOO me. Painful to look back on, but hopefully encouraging that you can get beyond it. It is good, no matter how painful, to be able to see in black and white the gory reality of the cycle. Sometimes only when we actually see ourselves in such an ugly place and playing such an unpleasant role in it, that we are finally motivated enough to not be "that person" and to scratch, claw, and fight our way out! I do understand. I hope that brings you some level of comfort that you aren't the only one. In fact, so many people have been there or are there that it takes up chapters in books sweetheart. But I beg you to not stay in that horrible cycle. Claw your way out. You have lots of people who will help and will cheer you on. You also have a God who adores you Erin and will guide you every step of the way!
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