Adding Pictures

Adding pictures - I'm excited. Not sure why I haven't done it before. OK - my daughter is a dork too - can you do this with your tongue?

So bored

I'm bored. I cleaned my office and put all my Star Wars Expanded Universe books in chronological order - yes, I'm a total nerd. Guess how many I have? 100. I just counted. That doesn't include all the kid ones I have at school, or my comic books, graphic novels and reference books. That's probably another 60 or so.

Oh, I'm such a dork.

I Give Up

I was reading from George MacDonald again last night. Please don't sigh. Just read it. :-)

Love
It is by loving and not by being loved that one can come nearest to the soul of another.

Answer
"But how can God bring this about in me?" -- Let Him do it and perhaps you will know.

I've been stuck for years in the "wanting to be loved" category. Loved by a man - I know I'm loved by friends and family. It's different for me; maybe it's different for everyone. I don't know why being loved by a man is so vital to me. I'm trying to let that go and focus on being loved by my Savior. Maybe once that is enough for me, I won't care about the other.

I think it started during my marriage. The last few years of it, I never felt loved. That's sad. I tried so hard to love enough for both of us, but I think to touch souls, each must be loving the other. That sounds stupid - I mean that both people must be focused on serving the other or it just won't work. I'm being overly simplistic again - why is the simple stuff always the hardest to explain? It made a big "ah-ha" in my head, but it's not coming out that way. (My other ah-ha was in the "by loving" part. I need to work on loving others - not just finding one man to love. There are lots of people out there who need love. But I think this is a another post.)

So, how can God bring this about in me? I have to let Him. Which to me means, being happy with where I am in life - being happy with being single. Ewww - I don't even like writing that. It makes it sound like I give up. Maybe I do need to give up. Hmmmm. There's the simple again. Why is giving up so hard to do? I don't even want to write it here. Giving up means I'm a quitter. Failures give up. Does God want me to fail? I think, in a way, He does. He wants me to rely on Him. Does that make Him a horrible God? I don't think so, because His way - His plan - will be better than anything I can dream up.

My pastor makes the best word pictures. He compared it to a 3 year old again. The child wants to dress herself, even if it's something with 10 buttons down the back. The parent offers help, but she throws a fit because she wants to do it herself. So the parent, knowing full well that the child can not do it alone, goes to the other room and waits. The parent hears the anger and heartache in the child, because she is failing. He peeks in - "can I help" - and gets glared at - so he backs away saying, "You still think you can do it? OK - keep trying - but remember, I am right here waiting for you." God's not going to yank the control back. Is He not powerful enough? Are you kidding me? Of course He can take control at any time. But He waits - He waits for me to come to Him. When I come to Him in my failure - when I am broken - that's when I hear Him the best. I've given up myself. That's when He says, "Here, child, let Me do it for you."

OK - God - I give up. I've already said my way isn't working. I'll probably have to give up again tomorrow. . . who am I kidding? I'll probably have to give up again later today. But I trust You. I give up.

Celebrate the Steps

I just listened to a great sermon. It was from Hebrews 8. Briefly, that chapter describes Jesus as the new High Priest, but much better than the priests of old. God's new covenant with us is not based on laws like in the Old Testament. The laws - maybe they weren't there to keep the people in line - maybe they were there to show them that they couldn't do it alone. God's new covenant is through Jesus - He will change our hearts and minds - transform us into something new.

Hebrews 8:12
"I will forgive them for the wicked things they did and I will not remember their sins anymore."

The pastor compared it to a baby learning to walk. I think I may have shared this before, but it's worth a repeat. Picture the baby taking it's first steps. Maybe she gets 3 steps before she falls. But for months, the parent celebrate the steps. It increases to 7 steps, then 10. But each time the baby falls. And each time the parent celebrates the steps. Would a parent ever say, "Yeah, whatever - 5 steps? Big deal! I can do more than that!" Of course not. Later, as the steps increase, the falls become greater. The tumbles are harder. The hurt is more painful. There may be blood involved. What does the parent do? The parent doesn't get frustrated by the fall. The parent hugs her child and kisses the scraped knees. The parent wipes away the tears and then lets her go to run again.

Our Heavenly Father is just like that. He doesn't remember the falls. He doesn't keep an account of all the bad. He continues to love us and He celebrates the steps we are taking. He doesn't remember all my horrible, weak, emotional mistakes. He's there to love and comfort me and then lets go so I can walk again.

Today is the first day where I can honestly say that I wonder what all my fuss has been about. So I suffered a loss. It happens. I've been sad and now it's time to move on. I trust that God is here by my side. I trust that He has great plans for me; plans to honor me and not to harm me. I trust that He loves me and He knows my desires and He will fulfill them on His terms and in His time. My way is not the best way. It's kind of a weird feeling. It's actually kind of scary. That sounds stupid, but I've been so wrapped up in what could have been, that I've missed some of what is. I don't know what could have been - it could have been horrible. It could have been great. But it's not in the plans for right now. And I'm finally, hopefully, OK with that.

Not My Words

Someone else wrote this. I hope it's OK to use it here since I didn't really ask permission. I was reading through some old posts on another blog and was amazed how much the words from this person spoke to my own situation. I shouldn't be so amazed. I know it's God. He's showing me He loves me yet again. And letting me know that it's OK to keep asking for help over and over.

While reading these old posts, I also thought it was amazing that two people can quote so much of the exact same stuff. I promise, my quotes from George MacDonald came from my own reading. I didn't know/remember they were used by someone else a year ago. I kept seeing the same things over and over - even some quotes I've underlined in my book, but haven't posted here yet. I shouldn't be amazed by that either - we both just get the same things. Which helps to explain why this continues to be so hard for me.

Letting Go
Ask God - He is there - to take over your life. Tell Him that you give up...and He will take over, I know He will. It won't feel like He will, many times it won't...you will wonder time after time if He's there. Take heart, He's like that. He pulls away to let you see what you can do on your own...mostly I think He does it because He delights in hearing His children cry out for His help when they fail. And they do fail, over and over again. He knows a little secret that's really frustrating to us right now: what we need most at this stage in our development as humans is to cry out to Him and have Him teach us to succeed, with his hand guiding ours, and gently letting go, time after time, lest we think we can succeed in such an impossible task as life without Him. When you think He's not there, yell at (for) Him...tell Him that you don't think He's doing what you asked, tell Him that you are counting on Him, and tell Him to do his job or you'll die. The main thing is, don't stop talking to Him...give Him a piece of your mind every day, whether you're asking Him for the same thing over and over again, complaining about how you can't see Him or feel Him making a difference, or in the rare but so very spectacular moments when he throws a miracle in your face to remind you who's got things under control, tell Him thank you for being there when you had no reason before to believe He was. If He's never thrown a miracle in your face before, and you are upset enough about it, tell Him - He wants your complaints as well as your dependence.

If Only

Have you ever looked at something you knew you shouldn't look at? Then what you see upsets you? And I'm not talking Christmas presents. If only I hadn't looked - you know? Especially when I don't know any facts. I then (of course) jump to conclusions - the worst possible conclusions. And start to cry - the heart hurting kind of crying. All because I doubt my worth. Does everyone doubt their worth or is that just one of my issues? I wish I was someone who believed in my own value as a human being. I do sometimes . . . I think. I wonder what causes that to happen? I can't blame it all on Stupid X, can I? I do cast some of the blame in his direction - but if I recognize his stupidity (I'm not being mean - it's really there) then why would I let his actions take away from my worth?

Something has been bugging me. And this is because I worry too much about what other people think. I dump all my thoughts out here for the world (yeah, I have that big of an audience) to see. Other people don't do that. Why do I? Do people reading this just have a fascination with my personal struggles? I would NEVER be this honest with any of you, if you were sitting across from me. . . looking at me. I wouldn't want to admit to my weaknesses out loud. I know a lot of you read because you care about me. I'm not doubting that. But I still worry if in your mind you question my sanity. "Erin, you really are opening yourself up too much. It's not necessary. It's actually kind of embarrassing. We're embarrassed for you." Am I too honest here? Can you be too honest? Do you ever say to yourself, "Did she really just write that?" I just don't want anyone laughing at me out there. It shouldn't matter if you are, but it does to me.

I try to justify in my own mind why I do this. And I can't really come to a worthy conclusion. I love to write. I make sense when I write. I can edit and fix it so it means exactly what I want it to mean. My words come out all jumbled when I speak. I feel like I have worth when I write. So do I just want attention? Is that all this is for? My point in the very beginning was so that I could keep my "mirror" reflecting God's love. Am I doing that? (Rhetorical question.) I've done a few posts where I'm trying to start a conversation with someone or send a message to someone if they are smart enough to pick up on it. I don't want to do that kind of post anymore. I think it defeats my purpose. I think I've embarrassed myself with those kinds of posts. I think those go past the heart of Erin and start to get into the soul of Erin - if that makes sense. I think I'm trying to apologize for those posts. I'm sorry.

If only - - - I don't want to be one of those who second-guesses herself all the time.

I just don't know where I am right now. Sometimes I'm great - but then it sneaks up and bites me on the butt. I'm not good at moving on. I don't like change. I've liked how my life has been since August. Now it's different. I don't like it. Time just moves so slow when the change is happening. Why? I look back at my huge scary change (divorce) and am so happy that I'm out from under his tyranny. But I didn't think the pain would ever end. It did. So why can't I have faith that this will be OK too?

I guess if you're sick of hearing me muse about this over and over - you can stop reading. I just don't get pain - heartache - loss - betrayal. I know it's not God's plan. I know I don't really belong here in this fallen place. Do I just feel it more intensely than other people? Or am I the only one 'fessing up? Or am I the only one who gets trapped underneath the weight of it? I just want to understand and I don't think I can. I don't think I have the ability. I don't think God lets me because He knows I can't handle it.

I'm going to leave you with a few quotes that spoke to me. They're all from George MacDonald.

Deadlock
Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it.

Dryness
The true man trusts in a strength which is not his, and which he does not feel, does not even always desire.

Prayer
"O God!" I cried and that was all. But what are the prayers of the whole universe more than expansion of that one cry? It is not what God can give us, but God that we want.

Fearful Thinking
Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us.

The Sacred Present
The next hour, the next moment, is as much beyond our grasp and as much in God's care, as that a hundred years away. Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow, or for a day in the next thousand years - in neither can we do anything, in both God is doing everything.

God ~ be with me.

A Man's Right

I've made a habit the last week or so to read George MacDonald before bed until something touches my heart.

A Man's Right
Lest it should be possible that any unchildlike soul might, in arrogance and ignorance, think to stand upon his rights against God, and demand of Him this or that after the will of the flesh, I will lay before such a possible one some of the things to which he has a right . . . . He has a claim to be compelled to repent; to be hedged in on every side: to have one after another of the strong, sharp-toothed sheep dogs of the Great Shepherd sent after him, to thwart him in any desire, foil him in any plan, frustrate him of any hope, until he come to see at length that nothing will ease his pain, nothing make life a thing worth having, but the presence of the living God within him.

(You might have noticed this post was edited. I let my emotions write and I don't think it was a good thing. Too much info. Sorry. That type of writing won't happen again, in case you had the misfortune of reading it earlier.)

A Reminder

Something someone wrote to me that helps me again right now:

The point of all this? No matter how tempting, or wonderful the apple appears, the very holiness of God in it - indeed the only thing that ever made it wonderful to your heart in the first place - will disappear with the horrible act of taking it by breaking the rules. When we break the law, we don't really break it...it breaks us. If cutting off our hands, or plucking out our eye is what's needed to direct us to the right path, the long and difficult path, the path that necessitates patience beyond our human capacity if not for His help, that's the hard play we must make. The very kernel of what we're chasing after, even in our most "depraved wishes" will be there "beyond expectation". That's a hard thing to do, but it is the only way we will avoid misery and be satisfied. There are no two ways about it. Ultimately, everything we've ever wanted or will want in this life is Him. There are traces of Him in everything we find beautiful or enchanting. We must not mistake the created for the Creator. We will be ensnared, and our progress as pilgrims to His city, to Him, will be impeded, and brought to a halt if we allow ourselves to be duped into slumber.

Roller Coaster

Holy Crap! (My favorite phrase) My emotions are like a freakin' roller coaster.

"Look at me. I'm Super Erin. I have no problems. I'm happy-go-lucky girl who has not a care in the world. I'm super tough and can get through everything. I know I'm right where God wants me. I accept that and stand up tall."

"Look at me. I hurt and it comes on so fast. I'm at the bottom looking way up to my happy place. How am I going to get there again?"

The thought that hit me today is that so much time is going to pass. It's already been a week. Another week will soon go by. Then another. Then it will be months. Then more months. It freaked me out because of all that I'm going to miss. (I'm trying to talk in generic code so that maybe you won't all know exactly what I'm talking about. At least, I think it's code. Maybe you know what I'm referring to. Note to self: improve code.) I've been trying to give my heart away, but it’s not to the right person. It's like I have a "heart for sale" sign tattooed on my forehead. No - it's not even a for sale sign. Not even for rent. What's that word when people just set up camp in a place and claim it? Squatter? I'm looking for a squatter. How pathetic is that? I don't want a squatter!

How do I take my heart back so I still have it to give it to the right person? Nobody even has it. Dare I say that no one at this time wants it? I'm not trying to sound pathetic. (I know, I over-use that word.) I'm sure it's great that no one wants it/has it because obviously I'm not very much in control of it and it would be bad for me to give away something I don't even control. My heart - it's just out there. And how will the right guy feel when he knows I tried to give it to someone else? I don’t want to hurt him either. Great . . . more guilt.

"Love sucks," she said, mostly kidding.

Right now I'm thinking of hitting delete many times. This was all a big waste of time - me writing - you reading. BUT - the one good thing about sitting here and actually writing it all down is that I glance at the song lyrics sitting beside my keyboard. Jesus Savior Pilot Me. So, am I one of those Christians who says the words but doesn't really mean it? No. I believe it. "So where is your faith, Erin?" asked the crowd in an annoying tone. (The crowd, methinks, is getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over.) It's here. My faith is here. I can do this. "Yea!" cheered the crowd.

OK - that's enough of that. Holy Crap!

Jesus, Savior Pilot Me

Do you remember the cool song I mentioned in my previous post? I emailed the music minister last night and he emailed me the lyrics last night. Awesome to be in a church where people actually respond quickly. :-)

Here's the lyrics:

Jesus Savior pilot me over life's tempestuous seas.
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.

Chart and compass come from Thee. Jesus Savior pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
You can calm the oceans wild.
Boisterous waves obey Your will,
When You say to them, "Be still."

Wondrous sovereign of the sea. Jesus Savior pilot me.

When at last I near the shore
and the fearful breakers roar,
Grant me long and peaceful rest
Then while leaning on Your chest.

May I hear You say to me, "Fear not, I will pilot thee."

written by Edward Hopper

Waiting for Tangled Legs

I've got a million thoughts, so settle in. I hope you have a comfy chair. I hope I can organize myself enough to say what I really want to say.

Church was awesome tonight. We were finishing up Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes 11:8 NIV
However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many.

I like the New Century Version better:

People ought to enjoy every day of their lives, no matter how long they live. But they should also remember this: You will be dead a long time. Everything that happens then is useless.

I've written about this before - not being happy where I am in life. I keep tip-toeing around the actual words. Let me be honest - it's true - I do not like being single. I'm not happy being single. I've used the word "hate" to describe what I feel. But, you know what? I have breath right now. I'm alive right now. When I'm dead - single or married won't matter. Do I waste my life right now by continuing to focus on the one aspect of my life that I don't like? There is so much in my life that I do like - I love being a mom. Teaching is the greatest job in the world. I have great friends who love me very much. I'm healthy. I get to eat what I want when I want. I have money to buy the things I need, as well as many of the things I want. I have a church that I love that I'm starting to get involved in (working the parking lot tomorrow & I'm actually excited about it!). My point is that I'm going to try to focus on the good.

Oh - you'll hear me complain again, I'm sure. I have a deep desire to be a wife again. It hurts sometimes how much I want that. I want a man to love me and want me. I want to feel protected and safe. I want someone to take care of me. I want my legs tangled up with his legs under the covers. I know - that's weird. I'm not even talking about sex. Sorry. Too much info. Moving on . . . um . . . so . . . yeah, I'll complain again. But that can't be the whole of my existence.

I was reminded again tonight that this right now - being single - is where God wants me to be. Why? I have no idea. I especially don't understand why He places such strong desires in me, but won't fulfill them. But I think I do understand something now - I think I understand why I'm not even dating. It's been what - 2 years since I went on a date? (That long? Oh, that seems very pathetic.) But He knows I'd give my heart away too easily - maybe to the wrong person - and He doesn't want that to happen to me again. He is protecting me, if only I'd let Him. It's kind of hard to admit that. I'm sure you all knew it already. I'm not tough enough to guard my heart, so He has to do it for me. The last few weeks shows that, doesn't it? (I sense lots of nodding heads right now.) I can't even keep a friend I adore because I'm so ready to give my heart away. I guess, in a way, it's a great quality that I want to love that much. Some man may be very lucky one day - but only if I guard my heart for him. So God? Will You help me guard my heart?

My second big thought (that was only her first? holy crap - how long's this gonna be?) came from this verse:

Ecclesiastes 12:1 NCV
Remember your Creator while you are young, before the days of trouble come and the years when you say, "I find no pleasure in them."

My pastor explained it like this - we must remember Jesus when we're at that time of our life when we're choosing careers, spouses, jobs and whatever else we'll have/do for the next 30 years. If we don't keep Christ at the front, we can really regret it later. So me, in my pity party, thought, "Yeah, well what about those of us who screwed that up already? I chose the wrong spouse - he wasn't (isn't) a Christian and I didn't think that mattered. I found out it mattered the most. So I've already screwed up my whole life?" Um - Erin? Please pay attention to where you are NOW in life. Huh? Oh - I'm at the part where I get to (maybe) have another husband someday? I can make a better decision this time? I can keep Christ at the front of my brain and not screw it up? I (maybe) have a lot longer to live and I can make decisions with God from now on? It sounds so simple - and that makes me feel dumb - but sometimes the simplest things are really the hardest. Duh.

OK - last thing. Maybe. After the sermon, Matt (the pastor) said maybe some of us didn't want to rush out. Maybe we needed to reflect a bit. So I started writing this at church while some awesome song was playing about God saying, "I will pilot thee." There were lots of tears at church tonight.

Where am I? I'm taking God's gift of life and wasting it. Instead of wanting what He wants for me, I want what I want. So how do I accept it? Have I prayed to accept it? Yes. So why do I continue to yearn for what I don't have? Why do I continue to think that my way is better? God - I want to surrender my life to you. What am I holding on to? What am I scared of? Why do I fear to let You do it?

Abba Father ~ continue to help me let go. I still don't want to, but hanging on isn't helping. Help me to follow You. Help me to trust that You only want the best for me. Continue to guard my heart since I can't do it myself. Teach me how to do it better. Take away my pride - my thoughts that I can do it myself. I want to rely on You. Help me realize that I'm worthy enough - You love me enough - to come to You all the time for everything.

Sad

Just so sad. Don't want to be. Trying not to be. But here it is - 12:40 am - reading through crap and crying. It sucks. Why do I torment myself?

Let go.

Why We Must Wait

Perhaps, indeed, the better the gift we pray for, the more time is necessary for its arrival.

George MacDonald

Wednesday Night Ramblings from Psalm 73

I've been stuck on David the last few days. He fascinates me because he was the opposite of a perfect man, but he was the only one named "a man after God's own heart." So I've been reading 1 Samuel and just combing the Psalms for ones written by David. I'm looking for the ones where David is angry with God. Because I'm angry with God. I don't understand His plan and it makes me mad. I see others getting what they want but my dream gets pushed away yet again. I just don't get it.

I found Psalm 73. It's written by some guy named Asaph. He's a priest and musical director appointed by David. I think he may have had his days of being angry with God too. I'm copying this from my Max Lucado devotional Bible. It's the New Century Version, which I've not read before. It's so easy; I really like it. Sometimes I think if I'm not reading the NIV, then I'm not really reading the Bible. But I digress. As you read through this Psalm, and feel like reading it from my point of view, when Asaph talks about people getting what they want (riches & power), you can think of me saying people get to have boyfriends and husbands and for some reason I don't. You could probably put your own version in there as well - whatever your desire is. It's long, but worth the read if you feel like life is ever unfair.

Psalm 73
God is truly good to Israel,
to those who have pure hearts.
But I had almost stopped believing;
I had almost lost my faith
because I was jealous of proud people.
I saw wicked people doing well.
They are not suffereing;
they are healthy and strong.
They don't have troubles like the rest of us;
they don't have problems like other people.
They wear pride like a necklace
and put on violence as their clothing.
They are looking for profits
and do not control their selfish desires.
They make fun of others and speak evil;
proudly they speak of hurting others.
They brag to the sky.
They say that they own the earth.
So their people turn to them
and give them whatever they want.
They say, "How can God know?
What does God Most High know?"
These people are wicked,
always at ease, and getting richer.
So why have I kept my heart pure?
Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
I have suffered all day long;
I have been punished every morning.
God, if I had decided to talk like this,
I would have let your people down.
I tried to understand all this,
but it was too hard for me to see
until I went to the Temple of God.
Then I understood what will happen to them.
You have put them in danger;
you cause them to be destroyed.
They are destroyed in a moment;
they are swept away by terrors.
It will be like waking from a dream.
Lord, when you rise up, they will disappear.
When my heart was sad
and I was angry,
I was senseless and stupid.
I acted like an animal toward you.
But I am always with you;
you have held my hand.
You guide me with your advice,
and later you will receive me in honor.
I have no one in heaven but you;
I want nothing on earth besides you.
My body and my mind may become weak,
but God is my strength.
He is mine forever.
Those who are far from God will die;
you destroy those who are unfaithful.
But I am close to God, and that is good.
The Lord God is my protection.
I will tell all that you have done.

I'm trying really hard to believe these promises. But sometimes my desire feels like it will pull me under. And I do worry about getting angry with God. He's the Master of the universe; what right do I have to question Him?

Max Lucado answered it this way:

A misconception people have in dealing with life's troubles is that it's wrong to ask why - that a Christian simply accepts and never questions. Abraham, Moses, and David all interceded and struggled to understand God. But the lives of these men model for us a total reliance on God, even in the midst of questioning.

It's not a sin to doubt. Disbelief is a sin, but questioning - sincerely seeking - is acceptable to God, because in the presence of God you may ask any question you want.

God never turns his back on those who ask honest questions. He never did in the Old Testament; he never did in the New Testament. So if you are asking honest questions of God, he will not turn away from you.

Perhaps the reason that God doesn't always give us the answer to the whys of our existence is that he knows we haven't got the capacity to understand the answer. In learning to depend on God, we must accept that we may not know all the answers, but we know who knows the answers."

I'm sorry this post is so long. Why are you still reading? Sometimes I'm not really sure why I'm writing. I wish my faith were stronger. I feel strongest when I'm actually reading His Word, but then I get lost in my day. And forget my purpose. I'm using that to get back into His Word quickly, sometimes even when I'm supposed to be doing something else. But like Jesus said to Martha - sitting at His feet is more important than everything else. That makes me sound like such a saint, right? Ha. The everything else is drowning me.

I just feel like a failure. My house is a mess: I haven't put up my Christmas lights outside, the grass needs to be edged, the bushes are overgrown, there are tons of weeds, the back needs to be mowed and poop picked up, the dishes are piled up, trash to take out, toilets to clean, showers to clean, laundry needs to be done . . . . And then all the other stuff: papers to grade, lessons to plan, my kids won't stop talking at school so it's a battle every day, food to cook, lunches to make, we didn't get Elyssa's science fair project done, she's been crying for the last two days for who knows what, I can't get her to do her homework without a fit, she won't go to bed . . . . And I want a boyfriend on top of all that? What the heck am I thinking? Do I think that will make life easier? Holy crap, Batman.

And now the added worry of you thinking my house is a pit - it's not that bad. I'm just overwhelmed.

Bottom line is that nothing else matters - only my faith and love in Christ. Sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I just think I'm a loser. I just wish I knew if I was doing it right, you know?

God's Tempest

You know, when God wants me to hear something, He really slams me. Over and over. It's like how I continuously ask the same questions over and over. Or how I pray for the same problem over and over. God does the same thing to me. Is that an answer? It's OK for me to pray about myself? I can't do it too much? What do you want from me, God?

Reading some more in C. S. Lewis' anthology of George MacDonald's writing:

Cares
With every haunting then, great or small, the loss of thousands or the lack of a shilling, go to God. . . . If your trouble is such that you cannot appeal to Him, the more need you should appeal to Him!

God at the Door
Nor will God force any door to enter in. He may send a tempest about the house; the wind of His admonishment may burst doors and windows, yea, shake the house to its foundations; but not then, not so, will He enter. The door must be opened by the willing hand, ere the foot of Love will cross the threshold. He watches to see the door move from within. Every tempest is but an assault in the siege of Love. The terror of God is but the other side of His love; it is love outside that would be inside - love that knows the house is no house, only a place, until it enter.

Are you saying I haven't really let You in God? You've got to keep shaking my core - breaking my house - breaking my heart - until I open the door for You? How do I do it for real then? I thought I was doing it. What do you want from me God? I'll do anything. Just tell me. What can I do? I want You to take over my house. Tell me how.

Oh yeah - I forgot I found this today

Psalm 62:8

Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge.

Doesn't He get sick of hearing all my problems?

Easier to be Cold & Heartless?

It's been such a long day. At times today I've been overcome with sadness - not sadness for what might have been, because I never let myself go there very much. It's sadness because I miss what was. I had something and I couldn't keep it simple. Can I control what I feel? Is that possible?

I miss my friend. It hasn't even been long enough to really miss him. It's just an empty spot that I thought would be filled longer. It's just the idea that I can't . . . .

During my planning time today, I just couldn't do anything. Did I make the right choice? Should I have done a better job at faking what I feel? Was I stupid to admit to my feelings? What are feelings anyway? Don't they just come and go? Was I acting like an idiot? Of course, I went immediately to "what's wrong with me?" Because I really want to know. I just don't get it. And I'm feeling embarrassed and stupid. I wasn't trying to have these stupid feelings, you know? In fact I prayed often during the last few months that they'd be taken away from me because I want the friend more. I feel like I want the friend more than anything else. But the stupid feelings kept hanging around. Why? And not only would the stupid feelings not go away, they kept getting in the way. I don't understand. What is my problem?

Does God give us feelings? Or does Satan do it to mess with us? How's a person supposed to know? Is the king of lies sitting over in the corner laughing because he got Erin again? Probably. I'm so tired of it. I want to be cold heartless woman. Wouldn't that be easier?

I'm so sick of crying. I don't want to care anymore. Why can't I lock and chain my heart so it doesn't hurt this way anymore?

And you know the dumbest thing of all? I'm writing this for you. I want you to know that I want you as my friend. But I can't write to you, because I said I'd let go. I don't know if you're even reading this or not. I feel the same way I did after our 5 am chat. I want the friendship. I don't want to give that up. I'm so sorry that I'm such an idiot.

Trust in Him (again)

The care that is filling your mind at this moment, or but waiting till you lay the book aside to leap upon you - that need which is no need, is a demon sucking at the spring of your life. "No; mine is a reasonable care - an unavoidable care, indeed." Is it something you have to do at this very moment? "No." then you are allowing it to usurp the place of something that is required of you this moment. "There is nothing required of me at this moment." Nay but there is - the greatest thing that can be required of man. "Pray, what is it?" Trust in the living God. . . . "I do trust Him in spiritual matters." Everything is an affair of the spirit.

George MacDonald

Do I trust God with everything? Or only with certain things? I don't want a demon sucking at the spring of my life. I think so much that my care is important but what's important is that I trust Him with everything. I still hurt. I still have an empty spot. But my living God is right here with me now; hurting with me, loving me, ready and waiting to fill my empty spot - if only I will let Him. He won't force His way in. He waits until I ask.

Trust in Him

OK God. I'm trusting You. I don't want to. I'm not doing it joyfully. I'm not happy about it. I want to do my life my way. But, I sense that You want me to let go. Fine. I'll do it. But understand this God - I don't like it at all. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll understand Your plan a little bit more. Maybe one day I'll look back and realize how stupid I am to ever even question Your plan for me. But right now - to be honest - I'm kind of pissed off that You won't do what I want. I don't want to let go. I DON'T WANT TO LET GO! I know You know better than me so that's all I'm hanging on to. But that doesn't make it any easier - not one bit easier for me.

I don't know if trusting You in this angry way makes You very happy. But I'm not going to fake it with You. You recognize my fake happy pretty quickly, so why should I bother pretending? Is it good enough that I'm doing what You ask? Or am I committing an even bigger sin because I'm not doing it with a joyful heart?

Can You just make it stop hurting?

An Apology from X

We met at Cristina's tonight for the trade-off. He said he wanted to talk to me, but I responded that I didn't want to talk to him. We got Elyssa in my car. He shut the door and started telling me he wasn't attacking me as a mother. He thinks I'm a great mother. I'm doing a great job raising her - he acknowledged that I'm doing most of it since he only sees her 6 days out of the month. I told him (Robin can be proud of me) that he can't talk to me the way he's been talking to me. He said he was trying to apologize. I said, "I haven't heard the words I'm sorry." He said, "I'm really sorry for the way I spoke to you." I think my jaw hit the ground.

I bet he's only said those words to me a handful of times in the 16 years that I've known him.

Of course, in typical Anthony fashion, he ended by telling me that I have to spend more time making sure Elyssa has quality clothes. He said I've done great at making her beautiful on the inside. Now I have to worry more about the outside. That's OK. I can't expect him to be different than he really is. Baby steps are OK.

Stop Listening to the Fool

Have you ever been to church and the sermon was exactly for you? No one else could have been in the sanctuary. The sermon tonight was for me. God used Matt Chandler to talk to me.

The preacher is going through Ecclesiastes. Tonight we went through chapter 9. It starts off with the fact that everyone is the same. We don't know if we will have love or hate in our futures. The only thing everyone can be sure of is that we will die. Right now, since we are among the living, we have an opportunity. We need to be happy with our circumstances. We need to make the most of where we are right now. We should eat, drink wine, pursue lives of depth and significance, show righteousness, love our {someday} spouses - make the most of our minutes because the dead get none of that. These things - they are gifts from God. I need to be happy with my life RIGHT NOW. I suck at that - not all the time, but a lot. I try, every day, to get up and be happy with my singleness. I fail - almost every day. And that's OK with God, because I'm still reaching toward Him. He still loves me. But I want to be content with my singleness. How do I do that?

The thing that made me cry in church tonight was verse 17: "The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools." I listen to "the fool" way too much. I didn't think I did, but today's emotional roller coaster kind of proves that I still do. "The fool" shouts loudly, but the quiet wisdom of my friends and family should mean more to me.

Robin and I went to dinner tonight - followed God's instructions in Ecc. 9:7 and enjoyed our food and wine - and talked more intimately than we have in a long time. She wants to know why I walk in a room full of people and turn into this quiet nothing. I don't know. My only response is that I don't know why someone would want to talk to me. That floored her - and maybe you too. I don't know where that comes from. Is it because the one I stupidly gave myself to treated me like garbage so I think it's true? How do I change that? The thought of going into a room full of people by myself is horrifying to me. Again, why would someone want to talk to me? Who's going to go past the outward appearance and look at my heart?

You know, I do feel kind of stupid baring my heart like this. But I can't be the only one who has doubts. And I'm really not trying to have a pity party. I don't want pity. I don't even want your encouraging words, as horrible as that sounds. This is something that I have to learn on my own. I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to not care what other people think. I have to learn how to be around real people and share my heart. E-mail and IM don't count. This blog doesn't count. Those are both somewhat fantasy land things. I'm not looking you in the eye. I'm not being vulnerable in the real world. I have to learn how to share my heart and not die when it's rejected. How the heck do you do that?

Stupid X #2

Yesterday, I was able to walk away from him and laugh a little about his comments. When he started in this morning again - it punctured me. I hate that he can still make me cry. The things he was saying cut deep and I sobbed in the shower. To summarize today's tirade, he called me this morning to unleash his thoughts on me again. He said that I only think of myself. That I'm setting a horrible example for our daughter because I waited for him at a gas station. What kind of message does that send to a little girl? (I don't have an answer to that. I don't think she noticed where we were.) I'm not teaching her to be a girl. I'm not teaching her to care for herself - her fingernails were dirty! Her pony tail was falling down. Of course, we did just come from school and I felt like crap and didn't think to look at her fingernails. And let's not forget that her hat didn't match her coat. And I haven't bought her indoor soccer cleats so she had to wear her sneakers at her game today. He says I worry too much about myself. He says I'm teaching her boy things because she likes Star Wars. All these things tear at a woman's heart, you know?

My friend Christy asked in her comment if I emotionally knew that he doesn't define me. Did you catch my "of course" answer yesterday? I'm not so certain this morning. I think I'm so used to be talked to like that from him that I fall into the trap of believing him. Why else would I have sobbed as hard as I did this morning? I don't want to believe him. I was telling my friend Robin today that he makes me doubt myself. I don't like admitting that. I know it's stupid. I just don't understand how someone could be so mean. He's cruel to me. I don't understand cruelty. And since cruelty doesn't make sense to me, the next logical step is that his words have to mean something. Does that make sense? Robin said I have to stand up for myself - tell him that he is not allowed to speak to me that way. That scares me. Then she said I have to do it so Elyssa learns from my strength. I think that's the only thing that would help me stand up to him. I don't want her to EVER be treated this way by anyone. She's going to have to deal with her dad enough as it is.

I almost told him that I hated him this morning. The only thing that stopped me is that I know I'm supposed to be an example of God's love to him. So I cried instead.

Do you ever wonder is someone is your friend just because the someone is a nice person and doesn't want to hurt you? I unload my heart here - share my hurt - but I don't want anyone to think they have to be nice to me just so they don't add to my pain. I think that is more painful than anything else. Where is all this coming from? I think I must be doubting my worth (don't go off on me again, Christy!) if I'm questioning why someone is nice to me. There's not a lot of trust in me today, is there? I just wonder the motives behind some behaviors I guess. Why does God give us desires - desires that feel like they will kill you if they aren't fulfilled - but not let those desires be filled? I'm really turning this into a pity party. I hate what I let Stupid X do to me - fill me with doubt and vulnerability. Crap. This sucks. Please don't write anything to make me feel better. I already feel stupid enough.

Men in Ballet?

This is probably not appropriate, but. . . . I went to see The Nutcracker tonight. Some of my students were in it. Is it just me or does anyone else feel uncomfortable watching men prance around on stage with makeup on and tights that leave nothing to the imagination? Awesome great legs, but. . . . :-) Why can't they wear shorts or something?

Stupid X

Just did the old "switch-a-roo" with Anthony. Elyssa is with him this weekend. Here are the current reasons that I'm a bad mother:

• I stopped at a gas station to make the trade. He told me the restaurant Mi Cocina, but I forgot and just went to the Northeast Corner where there is a Texaco. We're now white trash because we made a switch at a gas station. I actually heard him mumbling that as he walked around his car. He was truly looking around to see if anyone was watching him.
  
• I bought Elyssa a new coat and hat. They don't match. The coat is a black, pink and white plaid. The hat is white with a light blue deer on it. Elyssa picked it out. She loved the hat and I didn't think it really mattered. We are white trash because our hats don't match our coats.
• I haven't bought her all brand name clothes. I got stuff at Target.
  
• I don't feel really well so I was kind of just shoving stuff in her bag. I let him know that I'm not sure if I put enough shirts in - I think I put more pants in, but I figured they would have some stuff. I also couldn't find her black soccer shorts. I asked if they were maybe left over there. I told him that I stuck her blue ones in and would look for her black ones and bring them to the game. I couldn't quite catch what he was mumbling under his breath but it had to do with never matching and not caring what our daughter looks like.

This is the kind of stuff I deal with all the time. Ridiculous, right? He treated me that way all during our marriage too - about everything. I thought that feeling stupid, ugly and unimportant was the way I was supposed to feel. He never tried to build me up or compliment me. Which is probably why the "dowd" form of love seems like a fairy tale to me. (See post from September 26th for an explanation of that.) He always made me feel 2 inches tall. I used to get really upset when he'd speak that way to me after the divorce, but I'd sit and listen to him. Now, I kind of laugh at him, and walk away or hang up, but still it bugs me a little.

I can't wait to meet a man who will take pleasure in making me feel beautiful, smart, loved and safe. I think I'll have a hard time believing that he's for real. In fact, I have a hard time believing that will ever happen. Are there really men out there like that? Or maybe better said as - is there really a man out there who will do that for me?