It's been such a long day. At times today I've been overcome with sadness - not sadness for what might have been, because I never let myself go there very much. It's sadness because I miss what was. I had something and I couldn't keep it simple. Can I control what I feel? Is that possible?
I miss my friend. It hasn't even been long enough to really miss him. It's just an empty spot that I thought would be filled longer. It's just the idea that I can't . . . .
During my planning time today, I just couldn't do anything. Did I make the right choice? Should I have done a better job at faking what I feel? Was I stupid to admit to my feelings? What are feelings anyway? Don't they just come and go? Was I acting like an idiot? Of course, I went immediately to "what's wrong with me?" Because I really want to know. I just don't get it. And I'm feeling embarrassed and stupid. I wasn't trying to have these stupid feelings, you know? In fact I prayed often during the last few months that they'd be taken away from me because I want the friend more. I feel like I want the friend more than anything else. But the stupid feelings kept hanging around. Why? And not only would the stupid feelings not go away, they kept getting in the way. I don't understand. What is my problem?
Does God give us feelings? Or does Satan do it to mess with us? How's a person supposed to know? Is the king of lies sitting over in the corner laughing because he got Erin again? Probably. I'm so tired of it. I want to be cold heartless woman. Wouldn't that be easier?
I'm so sick of crying. I don't want to care anymore. Why can't I lock and chain my heart so it doesn't hurt this way anymore?
And you know the dumbest thing of all? I'm writing this for you. I want you to know that I want you as my friend. But I can't write to you, because I said I'd let go. I don't know if you're even reading this or not. I feel the same way I did after our 5 am chat. I want the friendship. I don't want to give that up. I'm so sorry that I'm such an idiot.
1 comment:
I bet he reads it. I hope for his sake that he does. Although I'm not him, or even A him, and although I don't know you very well at all, one day maybe we'll get to talk and I can tell you what I know about people. My world, while similar in some ways, is vastly different in most ways from yours.
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