OK God. I'm trusting You. I don't want to. I'm not doing it joyfully. I'm not happy about it. I want to do my life my way. But, I sense that You want me to let go. Fine. I'll do it. But understand this God - I don't like it at all. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll understand Your plan a little bit more. Maybe one day I'll look back and realize how stupid I am to ever even question Your plan for me. But right now - to be honest - I'm kind of pissed off that You won't do what I want. I don't want to let go. I DON'T WANT TO LET GO! I know You know better than me so that's all I'm hanging on to. But that doesn't make it any easier - not one bit easier for me.
I don't know if trusting You in this angry way makes You very happy. But I'm not going to fake it with You. You recognize my fake happy pretty quickly, so why should I bother pretending? Is it good enough that I'm doing what You ask? Or am I committing an even bigger sin because I'm not doing it with a joyful heart?
Can You just make it stop hurting?
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