Holy Crap! (My favorite phrase) My emotions are like a freakin' roller coaster.
"Look at me. I'm Super Erin. I have no problems. I'm happy-go-lucky girl who has not a care in the world. I'm super tough and can get through everything. I know I'm right where God wants me. I accept that and stand up tall."
"Look at me. I hurt and it comes on so fast. I'm at the bottom looking way up to my happy place. How am I going to get there again?"
The thought that hit me today is that so much time is going to pass. It's already been a week. Another week will soon go by. Then another. Then it will be months. Then more months. It freaked me out because of all that I'm going to miss. (I'm trying to talk in generic code so that maybe you won't all know exactly what I'm talking about. At least, I think it's code. Maybe you know what I'm referring to. Note to self: improve code.) I've been trying to give my heart away, but it’s not to the right person. It's like I have a "heart for sale" sign tattooed on my forehead. No - it's not even a for sale sign. Not even for rent. What's that word when people just set up camp in a place and claim it? Squatter? I'm looking for a squatter. How pathetic is that? I don't want a squatter!
How do I take my heart back so I still have it to give it to the right person? Nobody even has it. Dare I say that no one at this time wants it? I'm not trying to sound pathetic. (I know, I over-use that word.) I'm sure it's great that no one wants it/has it because obviously I'm not very much in control of it and it would be bad for me to give away something I don't even control. My heart - it's just out there. And how will the right guy feel when he knows I tried to give it to someone else? I don’t want to hurt him either. Great . . . more guilt.
"Love sucks," she said, mostly kidding.
Right now I'm thinking of hitting delete many times. This was all a big waste of time - me writing - you reading. BUT - the one good thing about sitting here and actually writing it all down is that I glance at the song lyrics sitting beside my keyboard. Jesus Savior Pilot Me. So, am I one of those Christians who says the words but doesn't really mean it? No. I believe it. "So where is your faith, Erin?" asked the crowd in an annoying tone. (The crowd, methinks, is getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over.) It's here. My faith is here. I can do this. "Yea!" cheered the crowd.
OK - that's enough of that. Holy Crap!
2 comments:
Hey!
As I read this I kind of chuckle - well, one because you're funny, but two becaue you have all the faith in the world - that's clear... just because you still want something doesn't mean that you don't trust God to provide for you. Just because you still hurt, doesn't mean you don't have faith, just because YOU can't control your heart doesn't mean you don't have faith. But, faith is kind of like forgiveness (to me). HOW do you forgive when you're still hurting or still angry - you WANT to forgive you SAY you forgive, but how do you "do" it? Likewise... how do you "DO" faith? What does it look like in action? To ME, it looks like what you're doing faith is being scared, but moving ahead courageously, faith is pursuing God and what He wants for your life OVER and OVER and OVER again, its relenting control to Him OVER and OVER and OVER again. Its telling Him that you are going to keep on keeping on and you aren't going to leave Him and take matters into your own hands... faith is DIFFICULT and beautiful.
I love your comment b/c it's just perfect timing.
Faith - Elyssa has been reading her Children's Bible every night. Tonight - just now - she turned to the part where the Israelites were making the golden calf while Moses was up getting the 10 commandments. She said, "Mom - why did they make a gold cow?" I said, "They were making a pretend god." I was brushing my teeth, so I stopped there, but in my head I continued my explanation: "They were stupid Elyssa, because they didn't have any faith! God had just done amazing things that they got to see: the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire and pillar of cloud to lead them, turning bitter water pure, delivering manna and quail when they were hungry . . . ."
What else did they need in order to have faith? Why did they stop believing and make the stupid cow? Why do we stop believing so quickly? He has done amazing things for me in the last 3 years alone. Things that I can ONLY attribute to Him. To give anything else credit wouldn't make sense. Poor God. Can't you see Him? He's up there shaking His head and thinking, "I just did this for you. My poor mixed up children. How I love them even though they are so slow!"
Thankfully He does love us that much. :-)
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