Have you ever been to church and the sermon was exactly for you? No one else could have been in the sanctuary. The sermon tonight was for me. God used Matt Chandler to talk to me.
The preacher is going through Ecclesiastes. Tonight we went through chapter 9. It starts off with the fact that everyone is the same. We don't know if we will have love or hate in our futures. The only thing everyone can be sure of is that we will die. Right now, since we are among the living, we have an opportunity. We need to be happy with our circumstances. We need to make the most of where we are right now. We should eat, drink wine, pursue lives of depth and significance, show righteousness, love our {someday} spouses - make the most of our minutes because the dead get none of that. These things - they are gifts from God. I need to be happy with my life RIGHT NOW. I suck at that - not all the time, but a lot. I try, every day, to get up and be happy with my singleness. I fail - almost every day. And that's OK with God, because I'm still reaching toward Him. He still loves me. But I want to be content with my singleness. How do I do that?
The thing that made me cry in church tonight was verse 17: "The quiet words of the wise are more to be heeded than the shouts of a ruler of fools." I listen to "the fool" way too much. I didn't think I did, but today's emotional roller coaster kind of proves that I still do. "The fool" shouts loudly, but the quiet wisdom of my friends and family should mean more to me.
Robin and I went to dinner tonight - followed God's instructions in Ecc. 9:7 and enjoyed our food and wine - and talked more intimately than we have in a long time. She wants to know why I walk in a room full of people and turn into this quiet nothing. I don't know. My only response is that I don't know why someone would want to talk to me. That floored her - and maybe you too. I don't know where that comes from. Is it because the one I stupidly gave myself to treated me like garbage so I think it's true? How do I change that? The thought of going into a room full of people by myself is horrifying to me. Again, why would someone want to talk to me? Who's going to go past the outward appearance and look at my heart?
You know, I do feel kind of stupid baring my heart like this. But I can't be the only one who has doubts. And I'm really not trying to have a pity party. I don't want pity. I don't even want your encouraging words, as horrible as that sounds. This is something that I have to learn on my own. I have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to not care what other people think. I have to learn how to be around real people and share my heart. E-mail and IM don't count. This blog doesn't count. Those are both somewhat fantasy land things. I'm not looking you in the eye. I'm not being vulnerable in the real world. I have to learn how to share my heart and not die when it's rejected. How the heck do you do that?
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