I Give Up

I was reading from George MacDonald again last night. Please don't sigh. Just read it. :-)

Love
It is by loving and not by being loved that one can come nearest to the soul of another.

Answer
"But how can God bring this about in me?" -- Let Him do it and perhaps you will know.

I've been stuck for years in the "wanting to be loved" category. Loved by a man - I know I'm loved by friends and family. It's different for me; maybe it's different for everyone. I don't know why being loved by a man is so vital to me. I'm trying to let that go and focus on being loved by my Savior. Maybe once that is enough for me, I won't care about the other.

I think it started during my marriage. The last few years of it, I never felt loved. That's sad. I tried so hard to love enough for both of us, but I think to touch souls, each must be loving the other. That sounds stupid - I mean that both people must be focused on serving the other or it just won't work. I'm being overly simplistic again - why is the simple stuff always the hardest to explain? It made a big "ah-ha" in my head, but it's not coming out that way. (My other ah-ha was in the "by loving" part. I need to work on loving others - not just finding one man to love. There are lots of people out there who need love. But I think this is a another post.)

So, how can God bring this about in me? I have to let Him. Which to me means, being happy with where I am in life - being happy with being single. Ewww - I don't even like writing that. It makes it sound like I give up. Maybe I do need to give up. Hmmmm. There's the simple again. Why is giving up so hard to do? I don't even want to write it here. Giving up means I'm a quitter. Failures give up. Does God want me to fail? I think, in a way, He does. He wants me to rely on Him. Does that make Him a horrible God? I don't think so, because His way - His plan - will be better than anything I can dream up.

My pastor makes the best word pictures. He compared it to a 3 year old again. The child wants to dress herself, even if it's something with 10 buttons down the back. The parent offers help, but she throws a fit because she wants to do it herself. So the parent, knowing full well that the child can not do it alone, goes to the other room and waits. The parent hears the anger and heartache in the child, because she is failing. He peeks in - "can I help" - and gets glared at - so he backs away saying, "You still think you can do it? OK - keep trying - but remember, I am right here waiting for you." God's not going to yank the control back. Is He not powerful enough? Are you kidding me? Of course He can take control at any time. But He waits - He waits for me to come to Him. When I come to Him in my failure - when I am broken - that's when I hear Him the best. I've given up myself. That's when He says, "Here, child, let Me do it for you."

OK - God - I give up. I've already said my way isn't working. I'll probably have to give up again tomorrow. . . who am I kidding? I'll probably have to give up again later today. But I trust You. I give up.