Something has been bugging me. And this is because I worry too much about what other people think. I dump all my thoughts out here for the world (yeah, I have that big of an audience) to see. Other people don't do that. Why do I? Do people reading this just have a fascination with my personal struggles? I would NEVER be this honest with any of you, if you were sitting across from me. . . looking at me. I wouldn't want to admit to my weaknesses out loud. I know a lot of you read because you care about me. I'm not doubting that. But I still worry if in your mind you question my sanity. "Erin, you really are opening yourself up too much. It's not necessary. It's actually kind of embarrassing. We're embarrassed for you." Am I too honest here? Can you be too honest? Do you ever say to yourself, "Did she really just write that?" I just don't want anyone laughing at me out there. It shouldn't matter if you are, but it does to me.
I try to justify in my own mind why I do this. And I can't really come to a worthy conclusion. I love to write. I make sense when I write. I can edit and fix it so it means exactly what I want it to mean. My words come out all jumbled when I speak. I feel like I have worth when I write. So do I just want attention? Is that all this is for? My point in the very beginning was so that I could keep my "mirror" reflecting God's love. Am I doing that? (Rhetorical question.) I've done a few posts where I'm trying to start a conversation with someone or send a message to someone if they are smart enough to pick up on it. I don't want to do that kind of post anymore. I think it defeats my purpose. I think I've embarrassed myself with those kinds of posts. I think those go past the heart of Erin and start to get into the soul of Erin - if that makes sense. I think I'm trying to apologize for those posts. I'm sorry.
If only - - - I don't want to be one of those who second-guesses herself all the time.
I just don't know where I am right now. Sometimes I'm great - but then it sneaks up and bites me on the butt. I'm not good at moving on. I don't like change. I've liked how my life has been since August. Now it's different. I don't like it. Time just moves so slow when the change is happening. Why? I look back at my huge scary change (divorce) and am so happy that I'm out from under his tyranny. But I didn't think the pain would ever end. It did. So why can't I have faith that this will be OK too?
I guess if you're sick of hearing me muse about this over and over - you can stop reading. I just don't get pain - heartache - loss - betrayal. I know it's not God's plan. I know I don't really belong here in this fallen place. Do I just feel it more intensely than other people? Or am I the only one 'fessing up? Or am I the only one who gets trapped underneath the weight of it? I just want to understand and I don't think I can. I don't think I have the ability. I don't think God lets me because He knows I can't handle it.
I'm going to leave you with a few quotes that spoke to me. They're all from George MacDonald.
DeadlockGod ~ be with me.
Man finds it hard to get what he wants, because he does not want the best; God finds it hard to give, because He would give the best, and man will not take it.
Dryness
The true man trusts in a strength which is not his, and which he does not feel, does not even always desire.
Prayer
"O God!" I cried and that was all. But what are the prayers of the whole universe more than expansion of that one cry? It is not what God can give us, but God that we want.
Fearful Thinking
Because we easily imagine ourselves in want, we imagine God ready to forsake us.
The Sacred Present
The next hour, the next moment, is as much beyond our grasp and as much in God's care, as that a hundred years away. Care for the next minute is just as foolish as care for the morrow, or for a day in the next thousand years - in neither can we do anything, in both God is doing everything.
6 comments:
"All because I doubt my worth. Does everyone doubt their worth or is that just one of my issues?"
"So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.'" ...Jesus Christ, Luke 17:10
There are many reasons that I am not a Christian. This is one. The Bible seems to be overwhelming in it's message that we, as humans, are not worthy. We are not worthy of God's grace. We are not worthy of Christ's sacrifice. We are not worthy of anything we have. Thus, we give praise and thanks to God Almighty for everything we have, no matter how hard we worked for it. If you are a believer and worshiper of the Christian God, why not just praise him for your ability to work hard? He did not tell you to work hard, He gave you the ability to do so, and you chose to use it; whatever that use yields is yours for the taking - you earned it. You are worthy. We all are.
Life is about truth and people, that's my stance. It hasn't always been my stance, but experience and self-searching dictates it now. If you constantly compare yourself to a deity who is said to have made you in His own image, you will never feel worthy, as He is a deity, and you are not.
I am by no means discounting the value of Christianity in some peoples' lives. Faith is quite valuable, it just happens to be an aspect of the human spirit that I do not possess, so I am forced to look at life in another way. I have learned much about life and how to treat people from the Bible. We all have. I have also learned similar lessons from other sources; the credit generally goes to the Bible, though, because most of us (as Americans) are indoctrinated from a very young age with the values of the Bible and Christianity. This is not a bad thing by any means, but to me, it's not the only thing either. I don't find worth or comfort there. I hope that people, like you, who seek answers and comfort will be open minded enough to understand that those feelings and answers can come from other places, places you'd never expect. It's not a sin to look for them outside the confines of the red letters. If God is real and good and just, then the ideas that He has bestowed upon people outside of the Christian faith have merit and value; those ideas should not be off limits.
Long winded, and hopefully not offensive. I know you are valuable, because you are here. You have made it this far in life. You have a beautiful daughter and you are entrusted every day with the minds and hearts of the beautiful sons and daughters of many other people. I hope that excitement and pride you experienced the first time you realized you taught someone something, and that they really understood it has not left you yet; that is your talent, and in your talent you find value, worth, and happiness. You give of your mind, your most valuable commodity. There is no worthier cause in this world.
I'm going to absorb your opinion about Christianity for a bit and then I'll probably respond more specifically by email. I don't want to say something too personal - whether it's about you or about me - that the whole world can read.
You state your thoughts eloquently. And I understand your reasoning. I don't find you offensive just because you don't believe what I do. I hope my response (when I give it) doesn't offend you or make you shake your head and mutter, "those stupid Christians." :-) I'm excited about the chance to tell you what I think. My only hope is that I can tell you in a way that's different from what you've heard before.
But, maybe I need to clarify what I meant by my worth. I said "my own value as a human being" but that's a little strong. I sometimes doubt that people are truly my friends - that even though they share and I share hopes/dreams/hurts; it didn't mean anything to them. (My friends that I've had for years - I KNOW you value me - so no nasty emails from you guys.)
To be more specific - think of my recent situation. I just wonder about/doubt the "realness" of it all. That may be horrible of me, but it comes from having a hard time believing there is anything special about me to be remembered. That's where I doubt my worth. Hopefully that makes sense. Maybe I'll get more into this in the email too, as awkward and weird as that may be.
I don't doubt my value as a teacher or as a friend or as a mother. My doubts are very compartmentalized, I guess. I doubt that any man is going to like me for very long. That sounds so pathetic. I don't even mean romantically. I don't know why it's so important to me, either. I'm screwed up in that compartment. Maybe it stems from the fact that I didn't get what I needed from the man I loved for almost 15 years. (That's almost half my life - holy crap!) He didn't nourish my soul - and that's an important thing to me. (Maybe to everyone?)
Thanks for your honesty. Talk to you soon.
I'd never label anyone as stupid, at least not 'as a whole.' :)
Look forward to the email.
This is more to "anonymous" than you, Erin. I love what you wrote. Your questions and your challenges are so true. And the fact that you were willing to plainly and clearly state your disagreements without being accusatory or angry or judgemental of Christians (as seems to be some of the trend today) is awesome.
I hope you don't mind me being a bit "personal" to you when I don't know you at all, but I want to just offer a perspective on God from a girl (woman) who sees God as a "being/person" I have a relationship with. You are absolutely correct that there is judgement and lack of "worthiness" called out in the Bible in reference to man. But, as I went through a serious (to me) depression a few years ago, I met a God who was less interested in judging me and telling me how "unworthy" I was and was WAY more interested in loving me and granting me (FINALLY) the TRUE peace that passes ALL understanding. I developed a confidence in Him that made me honestly feel like (coming out of the depression) I would be OK in this life because nomatter how far I fall in this world - He will be there to coushin my fall and provide a safe place.
He's not judging me for something I didn't do, and he's not "paying" me for something I did do... He's just there - loving me freely. And its a love that I actually FEEL every day - its a relationship - and an all excepting relationship - not a judgemental, deserving or not-deserving one.
I won't lie - there are things that as a Christian I don't understand. The Bible doesn't always make sense to me and questions I have and issues I struggle with (why's and how's of this world), but the bottom line to my "Faith" (or Christianity) is that God loves ME, warts and all and He's the one who persued me, all I did was accept - so He's really done all the work.
What I've learned about Christians (by being around them and BEING one most of my life) - they can be WAY more judgemental than the God who wants to love you, but there is NO love in this world like the sincere and all accepting love of God.
I hope you don't think I'm pushing God or Christianity on you... I just find it very refreshing to find someone who thinks differently than I do, but you seem so open for free discussion and not "turned off" and I guess I just wanted to introduce you to the God I know... and maybe offer some food for thought (Erin, please confirm that I am not a wacko!)
Anonymous - Like you really need this BUT - Christy is not a wacko. I've known her since 3rd grade. We both went to TCA until we graduated and even though we lost touch for quite a few years, once we got back together - it was like we were never apart. She is one of my dearest friends in the world. She's so real - I think that's why I love her the most. :-)
Always find your worth in the CROSS. No where else. God valued YOU enough to sacrafice His only Son to win you back. THAT'S worth. You ARE worthy, deserving-no, but worthy-absolutely. God thought so or He wouldn't have done it for you. We are all worthy. We do not deserve it, no way. But our worth and worthiness is decided by God giving His Son for us.
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