Wednesday Night Ramblings from Psalm 73

I've been stuck on David the last few days. He fascinates me because he was the opposite of a perfect man, but he was the only one named "a man after God's own heart." So I've been reading 1 Samuel and just combing the Psalms for ones written by David. I'm looking for the ones where David is angry with God. Because I'm angry with God. I don't understand His plan and it makes me mad. I see others getting what they want but my dream gets pushed away yet again. I just don't get it.

I found Psalm 73. It's written by some guy named Asaph. He's a priest and musical director appointed by David. I think he may have had his days of being angry with God too. I'm copying this from my Max Lucado devotional Bible. It's the New Century Version, which I've not read before. It's so easy; I really like it. Sometimes I think if I'm not reading the NIV, then I'm not really reading the Bible. But I digress. As you read through this Psalm, and feel like reading it from my point of view, when Asaph talks about people getting what they want (riches & power), you can think of me saying people get to have boyfriends and husbands and for some reason I don't. You could probably put your own version in there as well - whatever your desire is. It's long, but worth the read if you feel like life is ever unfair.

Psalm 73
God is truly good to Israel,
to those who have pure hearts.
But I had almost stopped believing;
I had almost lost my faith
because I was jealous of proud people.
I saw wicked people doing well.
They are not suffereing;
they are healthy and strong.
They don't have troubles like the rest of us;
they don't have problems like other people.
They wear pride like a necklace
and put on violence as their clothing.
They are looking for profits
and do not control their selfish desires.
They make fun of others and speak evil;
proudly they speak of hurting others.
They brag to the sky.
They say that they own the earth.
So their people turn to them
and give them whatever they want.
They say, "How can God know?
What does God Most High know?"
These people are wicked,
always at ease, and getting richer.
So why have I kept my heart pure?
Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong?
I have suffered all day long;
I have been punished every morning.
God, if I had decided to talk like this,
I would have let your people down.
I tried to understand all this,
but it was too hard for me to see
until I went to the Temple of God.
Then I understood what will happen to them.
You have put them in danger;
you cause them to be destroyed.
They are destroyed in a moment;
they are swept away by terrors.
It will be like waking from a dream.
Lord, when you rise up, they will disappear.
When my heart was sad
and I was angry,
I was senseless and stupid.
I acted like an animal toward you.
But I am always with you;
you have held my hand.
You guide me with your advice,
and later you will receive me in honor.
I have no one in heaven but you;
I want nothing on earth besides you.
My body and my mind may become weak,
but God is my strength.
He is mine forever.
Those who are far from God will die;
you destroy those who are unfaithful.
But I am close to God, and that is good.
The Lord God is my protection.
I will tell all that you have done.

I'm trying really hard to believe these promises. But sometimes my desire feels like it will pull me under. And I do worry about getting angry with God. He's the Master of the universe; what right do I have to question Him?

Max Lucado answered it this way:

A misconception people have in dealing with life's troubles is that it's wrong to ask why - that a Christian simply accepts and never questions. Abraham, Moses, and David all interceded and struggled to understand God. But the lives of these men model for us a total reliance on God, even in the midst of questioning.

It's not a sin to doubt. Disbelief is a sin, but questioning - sincerely seeking - is acceptable to God, because in the presence of God you may ask any question you want.

God never turns his back on those who ask honest questions. He never did in the Old Testament; he never did in the New Testament. So if you are asking honest questions of God, he will not turn away from you.

Perhaps the reason that God doesn't always give us the answer to the whys of our existence is that he knows we haven't got the capacity to understand the answer. In learning to depend on God, we must accept that we may not know all the answers, but we know who knows the answers."

I'm sorry this post is so long. Why are you still reading? Sometimes I'm not really sure why I'm writing. I wish my faith were stronger. I feel strongest when I'm actually reading His Word, but then I get lost in my day. And forget my purpose. I'm using that to get back into His Word quickly, sometimes even when I'm supposed to be doing something else. But like Jesus said to Martha - sitting at His feet is more important than everything else. That makes me sound like such a saint, right? Ha. The everything else is drowning me.

I just feel like a failure. My house is a mess: I haven't put up my Christmas lights outside, the grass needs to be edged, the bushes are overgrown, there are tons of weeds, the back needs to be mowed and poop picked up, the dishes are piled up, trash to take out, toilets to clean, showers to clean, laundry needs to be done . . . . And then all the other stuff: papers to grade, lessons to plan, my kids won't stop talking at school so it's a battle every day, food to cook, lunches to make, we didn't get Elyssa's science fair project done, she's been crying for the last two days for who knows what, I can't get her to do her homework without a fit, she won't go to bed . . . . And I want a boyfriend on top of all that? What the heck am I thinking? Do I think that will make life easier? Holy crap, Batman.

And now the added worry of you thinking my house is a pit - it's not that bad. I'm just overwhelmed.

Bottom line is that nothing else matters - only my faith and love in Christ. Sometimes I believe that. Sometimes I just think I'm a loser. I just wish I knew if I was doing it right, you know?