The Crazy Circle

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets swallowed up in negative thoughts about myself? Do you guys do that? Do you constantly think horrible thoughts about yourself? I know the idea has been raised many times that I should seek counseling. Have I done anything about it? No. Why not? Fear. What exactly am I afraid of? Being seen as weak in front of someone. Ah-ha - I would worry about what they think of me. Holy crap. It is a crazy circle.

But I'm also a bit bothered about the hate feelings that welled up inside me yesterday. Where did those come from? It's been 4 years. Yes, I've been angry with X since then, but I've forgiven him. I feel like I've forgiven him. Wouldn't I know if I haven't? Maybe it's because they are having another baby? Ugh. Who knows.

The myspace guy IMd Nire today. It was nothing - just telling her about a Star Wars game coming out soon. No hello or anything. He sent her a link. How does Nire feel? Totally relieved. She doesn't care if he ever IMs her again - at least she knows he is not consumed with hatred for her. Sheesh.

Last night, after dumping my stuff on here, I decided to give God some time. I've been neglecting Him recently. I prayed - "God, please speak to me. I need something to help me see the truth." The next Psalm I was to read was 77. I know it's long. I would summarize, but I won't do it justice.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Did you catch verse 8? "Has His unfailing love vanished forever?" I'm always questioning God's unfailing love. (Why?) Then in verse 12, Asaph turns himself around. He thinks to himself, "Wait - let's just spend a few seconds thinking about all the things God HAS done." I did that a little last night - God's been AMAZING to me. So why do I continue to question?

But it's funny - I question whether everyone likes me or not. Where does this lack of self-worth come from? I think people would describe me as confident. I hide my insecurity very well. You, right now, reading this? I've probably asked myself if you really liked me. I've probably uttered the words, "I don't think she/he likes me at all." Sad, right? Why? It does kind of make sense that I question why God would continue to like me if I wonder about my best friends from time to time. Heck, best friends? Try all humans! Notice a pattern? Why do I need constant reassurance from others? Why do I try to do everything I can so others will like me? Does it come from being adopted? Do I feel abandoned since birth? Does it come from having an alcoholic father and a drug addict for a brother? Does it come from having a mom who was crazy over the other two that I never felt like I got much attention? Or a grandmother who always says I'm her granddaughter - but not by blood? Does it come from having a spouse who abandons me for another woman?

Yeah, yeah. I already know what you're thinking. "It's called counseling, stupid." But we've already covered that fear.

The thing is - I don't feel hopeless. Not at all. I don't even feel very sad at this moment. I just question everyone's motives. I'm not sure why people like me. I really and truly don't need your reassurance that you really really do like me. On some level - I totally and honestly know that. But there's always this little thing that pops up from time to time where I go through a wondering faze.

Ugh. I need sleep.