Two friends at church last night said they could tell I was sad because they could see it in my eyes.
I don't mind writing about myself - if you've read my stuff, you already know that. But I can't talk about myself. It's too hard - but not in the way you might think. (Disclaimer: the use of you below is the generic, anyone in the world, you.)
It's too hard to have you looking at me. It's too hard to because I can't edit and delete and start over. It's too hard because I get nervous and stumble over my words. It's too hard because there might be long pauses where you might think you need to fill it up with words. It's too hard because I don't know what you're thinking and I worry about that. If I'm writing, I don't have to care about what you're thinking because I don't see you. But if you're looking at me? Yikes. The worry about what you're thinking takes up the front of my brain and I can't communicate anything else because it gets shoved below the worry. It's too hard because what I'm feeling is probably stupid. In fact, I know that the things that are making me sad are stupid because they are minor things. There are others who have so much more difficult things to deal with; my stuff is trivial and actually quite selfish. It's too hard because I don't know if you really care. I mean, I know you care, but, maybe I don't understand why you care. It's too hard because if I share my heart with you out loud, you might go away. It's too hard because I love you so much and don't want you to go away.
I argued with my friends last night that I wasn't sad.
Maybe I'm wrong.
4 comments:
You're right - there are worse problems; you and Elyssa are healthy and have each other, a roof over your heads and food on your table. Regardless, your worries aren't trivial if they are making you sad - period.
I think the real question here is why you concern yourself with what others are thinking about you and your problems/worries. You seem to value yourself so little that you don't even allow your worries to carry any weight.
I understand where that comes from - I was right there with ya! You can't go through what we've been through without feeling... disposable...worthless. Insignificant.
But you aren't. Not in the eyes of your daughter. Not in the eyes of your students. Not in the eyes of your co-workers, your friends, or your boss. Not in the eyes of God.
But in your own eyes...?
I just wish you could see yourself as we do.
Oh - and I love the new look on your blog - and the scripture. WOW, you are an amazing woman!
I PROMISE you, anyone you ran into at church who actually took the time to LOOK at you and SEE sadness in your eyes and ASK you about it - that's a blessing a gift from God and perhaps His way of providing you physical arms for hugs and ears to ear words and faces to respond in kindness and empathy. Keep in mind that He uses us in each other's lives and those wonderfully caring and loving people who saw that in you and asked quite possibly could have been Him trying to give you some of the physical interaction and "friend" love that you've been needing. You bless them just as much by allowing them to see God at work in them. How good do you feel when you know that you've supported someone or cared for someone with God's love. Embrace the love He provides you from your brothers and sisters in Christ as much as you embrace the love He provides you from Heaven. You won't get through this without your community... and it isn't STUPID - you are wired a special and beautiful way and sadness is very real and you must accept yourself and things that make you sad and understand how you feel and what you think is critically valuable to those of us who love you and to God.
I relate to you on EVERY one of your blogs and pray that our friendship will grow from our emails and from group meetings because I do feel like I've known you forever from your blogs!! A verse that helps me is Romans 8:1-"There is therefore now no condmenation for those who are in Christ Jesus". The realization of this truth takes a lot of stress out of face to face conversations and helps me to be comfortable being me.
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