Frustration

I don't even know how to explain my frustration without making it sound trivial. Right there - that tells me it shouldn't be a problem. I'm the one making it a problem.

Let's just say there's this girl. We'll call her Nire. She somehow hurts some guy's feelings, but really not because he's the one with the issues. Nire doesn't even know this guy - at all - just chatted with him from myspace. (Nire think myspace is from the devil. Ha.) The guy is super sensitive she supposes - going through a divorce does that to you. (Disclaimer - Nire knows it could all be a fabrication - it is the internet - but let's just give him the benefit of the doubt.) Nire makes it clear to him that she could not get involved with anyone who was still legally married (not that she'd get involved with anyone from myspace anyway, but there has got to be Christians out there somewhere). But chatting with him is fun. He flips out, talking about how he feels like he's an outcast, everyone runs from him when they hear he's separated, blah, blah, blah. Nire is very surprised by the outburst and tries to apologize for hurting his feelings. She didn't mean to. She never thought he had the plague or whatever he was ranting about. But he won't really accept her apology - wouldn't respond to her email. It bugs the crap out of Nire.

The frustration is because I care too much about what people think about me - even strangers! (Surprise - I'm Nire. Oh, you already figured that out? I haven't written in code for so long - I'm surprised that one didn't work.) Here is a total stranger that I don't even care about and I'm bothered because I somehow upset him. It's bothered me all day. I've said my piece to him but I'm still bugged by it. Why? Why am I still bugged?

I even told my friends Debbie and Shannon at church that I feel so guilty every time I see a person who works in the nursery. I stepped down (oh all right - quit) working in the nursery because it was stressing me out. Kids all day. Kid at home. Kids on the weekend. I hated it. But when I'd see someone from the nursery, I just knew they were thinking bad things about me - Erin the quitter - and talking about me. I just felt covered in guilt for not following through on huge need at church. Debbie and Shannon both looked at me like I was crazy - Debbie refreshed my memory that it's totally Satan trying to mess with me. But I don't want people to think badly of me. Sheesh - this is actually bringing tears!

It was a strange day. There is this wonderful lady at school who recently went through the falling apart of her marriage. It was for the same reasons that mine fell apart. Well, her almost ex husband came to school today to eat lunch with their kids. When I saw him, all this crap welled up inside me. I felt hatred toward this man that I really don't even know! Like all the angry feelings I felt for my ex when I was in the midst of the worst pain came rushing to the surface. It was strange. He waved and smiled at me (I taught their son) and I had to force myself to wave back. Where did that come from? It left me kind of defeated feeling.

I'm sure it's because I haven't made God important the last few days. I was exhausted this weekend and took a nap Sunday. Totally slept through church! So I didn't even get my weekend boost. I have issues I need to deal with - that's what Shannon would tell me. I could cry right now and I'm not really sure why.

Why can't nice guys from church talk to me? Losers seem to have no problem. Creepy guys seem to have no problem. Nice guys who aren't Godly seem to have no problem.

My focus is wrong again. I know. I know. I know. UGH!

Psalm 45:11 The King is enthralled by my beauty - The King. He's the one who matters. Abba Father - help me. Please?