Lovin' Life

LIFE IS GREAT! I always get on here and complain about something. I'm loving life right now and wanted to be sure the world knew it. Working at church last week was awesome. I get to do it again this weeked, plus on Saturday my new members class starts.

I've just got a happy heart and a big smile on my face. God is good.

He Is Out There (Part 2)

If you'll notice from my previous post, the only thing Jake didn't show me, out of my entire list, was a love of children. I knew that was missing and thought it was not a big deal. Not a big deal in the fact that my guy will love kids - God just didn't show me that part today. I have no idea if Jake likes kids or not - that's not the point.

I worked the nursery tonight. Josh is kind of "in charge" for the 7:00 service. Josh is tall and has dark hair. I don't know how old he is - again, he's not my point. We didn't get any babies in the nursery so we were sitting around chatting. Josh was talking about some music and started to sing - he's got a great voice. He left to go do his duties. A mom showed up with her little boy, Israel. Israel did NOT want to be at church. He was probably one & a half or so. He was screaming and crying. Amy and I tried everything to get him happy again. Josh showed up. Israel quieted down some, but still wasn't really happy. Josh said, "Let me have him." I handed Israel over and the baby stopped crying. Josh cuddled and loved on that baby. Israel snuggled down for the evening. Josh said he'd just hold him for the rest of the service - he didn't want the mom to have to miss out.

God ~ You showed me every single thing on my list. You wanted to be sure that I knew without a doubt that there are strong Christian men out there who love children. You didn't want that left out of my lesson today. I thank You from the bottom of my heart. May I continue to see the things You do for me. May I continue to see Your love all around me. Open my heart so that I will be ready to feel Your love.

He Is Out There

God told me something today. No, I'm not crazy - He really did.

First of all - I am on fire right now. I met my home group last night and I worked the parking lot at my church today. I loved it! And the best part was that two people that I knew said, "Hey Erin!" when they saw me. People know my name. Me. Erin. And they were happy to see me. That's such a cool feeling. I don't know if I could be happier - I'm almost giddy.

Recently I wrote the "wish list" that every single girl makes about her dream man. You know you've done it too. This is what I wrote: "Is there a strong Christian guy out there who loves Star Wars and science fiction, but isn't a total nerd, likes to read & watch movies, loves kids, can sing & make me laugh and thinks I'm beautiful?" The only things I would add to that are that I prefer tall, dark haired guys.

There are six guys or so on my parking team. They were all super sweet - one (Jake) hugged me when I got there. Since we work both services, we have about an hour to kill between them. Phil took Jake and me to breakfast. You know how I hate going places where I don't know people? I had no fear today. During the meal I learned a lot about Jake. Now, don't jump to conclusions here - he's a baby. He must be about 20. Nothing is going to happen between he and I - that's not my point. But all these details came to me as I was driving home. He's got dark hair and he's tall. He loves to read - he's a Lit major at UNT and wants to teach High School English. He really enjoys reading the classics. He's taking a course on T.S. Elliot and Keats right now. Then he confessed that he loved science fiction and fantasy. I confessed my love of Star Wars - told him I was the queen of dorkville. He's actually read all the Expanded Universe books! I don't know if I've ever met anyone in person who has read the EU. (Please remember when I wrote about putting all my books in chronological order.) Then he wanted me to recognize some music group, so he started singing. He's got a beautiful voice. He was also cracking me up the whole day - he's silly and sliding around on some of the ice out there. We prayed before we ate. Jake grabbed hands around the table.

What did God tell me today? He told me that the guy I want does exist. He is out there. There are strong, dark-haired, tall Christian men who love science fiction and Star Wars, but are not total nerds, who love to sing and read and can make me laugh. I met one today. This one is not for me, but mine is out there. I believe it better today than I ever have before.

God ~ thanks for the message. I hear You and I love You.

Moved to Tears

It's just amazing to me when I'm over-powered by God's love. I was driving to Elyssa's soccer game and listening to Casting Crowns. I teared up - got a lump in my throat - couldn't sing - because He loves me that much. His love was almost more than I could handle.

It's a cool feeling.

Cause when I’m weak, You make me strong
When I’m blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don’t need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I’ll stand on Your truth, and I’ll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
Casting Crowns ~ In Me

Intimacy

Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy.
Max Lucado ~ Traveling Light

I've wondered many times why I write here for other people to read. Why does it please me? What do I get from it? I think I know. I want someone to know me intimately.

I have a hard time talking about my deepest thoughts, even with my best friends. I constantly worry that I sound stupid. I worry what the other person is thinking about my words and then I lose what I'm trying to say. When I write, I don't worry about what you are thinking. I can focus on what I'm trying to convey. I can fix it if it sounds stupid. I can make sure that it means exactly what I want it to mean.

You know why I'm struggling? I had an outlet for my deepest thoughts. I was able to write and be fully myself - silly, weird, serious, stupid, deep, Star Wars dorky - me. I didn't have to worry if I sounded dumb. I didn't have to read facial expressions and body language. I could just be me. And I was liked - I think. I was enjoyed. Somebody got me and wanted to know more. I was told, "You don't have to be generic with me" and somehow that opened up something in my heart. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. I got to be intimate with someone who understood me. That's what I miss. That's why this is hard. (Sorry if it's too much info - see there I go, totally concerned what you are thinking of my deepest thoughts. crap!)

I know now that it was too much too fast. But that's what I miss.

This relates to the fact that I have to let God be that One. Because He will never leave. He will never leave. He will never leave. He will never leave. And that's what I want.

Fantasy Land For Sale

For the sake of those you love, travel light.
For the sake of the God you serve, travel light.
For the sake of your own joy, travel light.
There are certain weights in life you simply cannot carry. Your Lord is asking you to set them down and trust Him.
Max Lucado ~ Traveling Light

It takes effort to have a deeper relationship with God. It doesn't magically happen. It must be fought for, pursued, and chased. My pastor encouraged us to pick a book and pick a time. My time is before bed. I want to get up in the morning, but it seems not to happen very often. I didn't know what to read. I prayed about it and Esther popped in my head, so I went with it. I read it last night. I knew the story, but God had something in specific for me last night.

For those who aren't familiar: Xerxes was the King of Persia. King Xerxes orders his queen to come to him so he could show off her beauty to his buddies and she didn't - so he replaced her. (It's kind of funny. The king and his buddies were worried that all the women in Persia would stop obeying their husbands so they had to do something drastic. Heaven forbid a woman doesn't jump when her man orders her.) He held a beauty contest and picked Esther. She was Jewish. Her people had been taken captive long ago, so she was in exile there. She didn't tell the king or his court that she was Jewish. Long story short - another guy in the court (Haman) gets mad at Mordecai (Esther's adopted father) and decided to kill all of the Jews in Persia. He gets the King to agree. Esther bravely goes before Xerxes to plead for the Jews lives to be spared, knowing that to go before the king without being asked means almost certain death. She finally succeeds with her plan and the Jews are saved.

Esther went to her King but didn't ask her request right away. Her discretion/self-control contrasted with Haman's recklessness. He built gallows to hang Mordecai even before asking the king. (Haman ended up hanging there himself.) I think God wanted me to learn more about self-control.

Max Lucado says the battle for self-control starts in the mind; it is a battle with our passions, thoughts and desires. He says it better than me:

We must learn to say no to those passions when they first enter our minds. Above all, we must pray for the inner strength of will necessary to curb our passions and desires. . . . Our own particular areas of vulnerability must be made the subject of earnest, beseeching prayer for God's grace to work in our wills. At the same time we must realize that the will is strengthened by obedience. The more we say no to sinful desires, the more we will be able to say no. But to experience this, we must persevere through many failures.

I have the tendency to focus on my desires too much. (Yeah, like that's news to anyone.) I have to stop it in my mind. The hardest part is that I like my fantasies. I like playing what if. I like getting everything I want in fantasy land. But when I finally come back to the real world, I'm very disappointed. I don't think I've begged the Lord for help in that area because I like my fantasy land. It's very hard to give up.

But in order to travel light, I have to get rid of my junk It's so hard to let go. I've got a white-knuckle grip. I foresee many failures. But I can do it.

For Sale - one highly used land of fantasy. It has a beautiful outside - everything you desire! For the adventurous sort, it is rugged and treacherous the farther back you go. Previous owner must leave for heart-health reasons. It comes fully furnished - previous owner is leaving everything behind.

One Day Down

I just want you to know - I did not cyber-snoop once today.

Be the woman that Jedi might be looking for, not one spending her time and energy on Cyber-snooping and the like.

God ~ Help me to remember this!

My Jedi with Shining Lightsaber

I've been in bed for the last two hours with my head just swimming. I can't sleep. I've been praying a lot - for healing hearts, for correct focus, for the right words to say. I made a promise - no cyber-snooping for an entire day. I know that's laughable - I wanted to go for a week, but goals are supposed to be attainable, right? I figured if I could do a day, then I could do another. Letting go takes waaaay more steps than I first thought. Sigh. Cyber-snooping is too easy, but if I think it through logically - it's not helping me let go. It's actually the opposite of letting go. Princess Leia said it: "The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." (OK - if I wasn't a total SW dork before, I am now. I wanted to be sure I had the quote right. I actually just went and watched that scene in the movie to be sure. It is 1:20 am. Is anyone who actually reads this going to have any idea what the quote is? Are they going to know Tarkin? Are they going to care in the least?! {I did have it right, by the way, except for putting Tarkin's name in the middle.} I am so pathetic. Is it any wonder I'm not dating? I hope being queen of SW Dorkville will be endearing to somebody or all hope is already lost. [small funny - did anyone catch the pun? the movie is called a new hope. ha.] ) So I must release my tight grip. I'm working on it. It may not seem like it, but I really am.

And now I'm just sitting here, chin on fist, staring at the screen. Anonymous - you've been on my mind too. I know we don't believe the same thing. I appreciate you drawing me into a discussion about it. That sounds weird. I'm saying thanks because if I truly believe something I should be able to talk about it and support my beliefs. I also appreciate that you let me do it with writing instead of actual talking. Some of us are just better writers, as you well know. :-)

It's almost 1:30. I really need some sleep or cranky Ms. G will show up at school tomorrow and that makes for a long day. But you know, another thought just came to me. There are lots of SW dorks out there. Male ones. I bet some of them are cute Christians too. Shouldn't they be excited for a female SW dork? Just a thought. Someday maybe I'll get my own dorky Jedi with a shining lightsaber to whisk me off in his starship through hyperspace.......

:-}{-: (doesn't that look like people kissing?)

I need sleep. Seriously. Or help. Maybe there is a SWA (Star Wars Anonymous)?

Someday

At church tonight, the pastor said something that really hit home. He said that I have to trust that God is working on me even if I can't feel it. There are times when we walk in the desert and can't feel His presence. I don't think I'm actually in the desert - I feel Him often - but I just don't get His timing or I don't think He's doing it right. He's not doing what I want. For example, I don't get why other girls get to be friends with the person that I want to be friends with but am not able to right now (or maybe ever). It's not fair. I don't get why I have jealous feelings and stupid tears when I have no basis, no knowledge, no right for those feelings to even be there. Of course, if I'd stop snooping around I wouldn't even know these things in the first place, so I guess that's my fault.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess it's good to know that someday I'll understand. Someday I'll look back on all this and understand why it had to be this way. Someday it'll all be worth it. Someday when I'm actually getting what I want, I'll look back and know why this didn't go my way.

I'm not a fan of waiting for someday. I want to know now.

Enough

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just that stupid.

I know in my head that God is the only thing that can fill up my empty spot. I know that. I really do. I know that in my head. I KNOW HE IS ENOUGH.

How do I get it in my heart?

A friend used to tell me that the longings we have are because we see a glimpse of God in whatever is good or pleasing to us. I wish I could find his exact words - they are much better than mine. But if I go looking back through emails and chats, I'll just get sad. My pastor also talked about it recently. And a girl I don't even know wrote about the exact same thing on her blog. Carlotta - I hope you don't mind that I quote you.

Here's my position: No man or woman can ever fill that longing. It is impossible. That longing comes from the One who designed us in His image. We miss the mark when trying to find the right person. It isn't a person at all that we are longing for. We think it is. We argue the physicality of it all. However, the root is not a physical one at all. We long for pure love. Pure devotion. Love without bounds. Love without strings attached. Love without conditions. I GUARANTEE that you cannot find such a thing walking this earth. God designed you in His image. When we understand our God, then we can better understand our longing. Do you understand why God created "man" in the first place? If you don't, let me help you... He wanted a relationship--someone to love and someone to love Him in return. Someone with whom He could have a relationship. That's also why He gave us choice and free-will. Everyone wants to be desired by choice. He would have it no other way. That is why He gave us the choice to love Him and have a relationship with Him, or not. So---all of that being true, let's move on. If we are designed in His image (not meaning that we look like Him), then we too have something deep within us that spurs us into the same longing. We long to love and be loved in return. Who better can fill that void than your God? He made you specifically for that purpose. Why do we not understand this? Why put that kind of pressure on another human being? It's CRAZY to do so! .... Please (listen closely) know that God desires you as much as you are desiring someone else. Go for it. Let Him be your soul mate. It makes perfect sense. No one else can possibly fit your God-shaped hole. It is God-shaped for a reason. Seek Him out. Draw Him into your heart. You will find what you've been searching and longing for all this time. I PROMISE! It is HIS design.

Pure Love. That's what I want. I am sitting here crying as I'm typing because that's all I want. I want pure love. Carlotta's description is a perfect explanation of what I want - what I need so desperately to feel complete and right. I fall into the trap that I can get that from a person. And I can't. So I blame myself - I'm not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I want that contentment. I know in my head that only God can do it for me. I struggle with getting it from my head to my heart. When I was going through my divorce, my counselor said that the farthest distance in the world is the space between our heads and our hearts.

It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to let God be enough. I want to - I want my ache to go away. I want God to be enough for me. I just don't know how to actually accomplish it.

I think I'm on the right path, but I am so weary.

Nuclear Wessels

I just got it.

Laughing.

:-)

So maybe you miss it too? A tiny bit? Maybe?

Maybe.

Hope

One of my students just asked my Magic 8-Ball if I was ever going to get married. It replied, "All I see is yes." I said, "woo-hoo!" Then I said, "Wait, girls - ask it if I'm going to ever get a date since you really need to date before getting married." I love Grayson. She clarified with the Magic 8-Ball and asked, "Is Ms. G. going to have a HOT date?" The Magic 8-Ball replied, "All signs point to yes."

Woo-hoo!

Said I Wouldn't

What do you do when you want to send an email and you know you shouldn't? I don't know what you do, but I come write about it on my blog. Feeling so stupid.

So - I want to - - - - but I'm not - - - - because I said I wouldn't.

This stinks.

God Loves Freaky Me?

Remember the analogy that my pastor made about how God celebrates our steps? It's just like when a baby is first learning to walk. We don't yell at the baby for falling - we are excited about the steps.

Matt made another analogy in a different sermon. Parenthood is messy and gross sometimes. Our children throw-up, poop and pee all over the place. We get snot on our shoulders and greasy food stains on our fronts. We change a bazillion diapers. It's gross! But you know what? Loving parents don't yell at the child for throwing up all over the bed in the middle of the night. Loving parents don't keep their child away from wonderful hugs just because she has a snotty nose. Loving parents don't say, "You are so gross now. I can't wait until you are older so I can love you." Loving parents know the mess is there and still love the child.

Our Heavenly Father is the same - even better. We are His gross children. We make the biggest messes. But He loves us anyway - right now. He doesn't love some future version of us. He loves me right now - as screwed up as I am sometimes. I think I hide my "screwed-up-ness" very well. (I had a friend who commented on that. She saw me after school one day, then read a blog I wrote later that evening. She said I seemed fine and then she reads and sees how much I'm hurting.) God doesn't disown me because of the messes I make. He doesn't say, "When you finally get it right, Erin, that's when I'll love you." He loves me right now.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to remember that. (Where are these tears coming from!?!) Why do I have such a hard time with this? A friend used to remind me of that often. Something would happen and he would say, "Look. God's showing Erin He loves her again." Why do I fall away from believing that so easily? Is it because I'm not getting what I want when I want it?

I'm tired of this desire. I want a new one. I want this one to go away. What's the purpose? All I do is want and hurt - want and hurt - want and hurt. How is this good for me, God? What the heck is it for?

I'm doing a Bible Study with my friend Christy in Chicago. (We didn't talk about it yet though. Christy - I'm on Day 6. Where are you? We need to get together.) We are going through a Beth Moore study on David. Remember, I have a love affair with David. He's so screwed up too! One section was about Hannah who becomes Samuel's mom. She couldn't have a baby. The author writes this:

Oh, but God had a plan. A marvelous plan. He allowed Hannah to be childless so that she would petition God for a child instead of assuming it would be the normal result of marital relations. He also allowed Hannah to be deeply desirous of a child so she would dedicate him entirely to the Lord. He sovereignly planned for His word to come through Eli at the temple so that she would return him to the exact place where she made the vow. Why? Because God had a plan for Samuel that was far more significant than even the most loving set of parents could devise.

How does this apply, you ask? I'm assuming that since God is in control, He is allowing me to be deeply desirous for a husband. He's allowing me to be husbandless so that I will petition Him for a husband? Hannah made a vow. Am I supposed to make a vow? I have nothing to vow. That doesn't feel right for me. So am I supposed to have hope because Hannah got what she wanted? You know what? Abraham's wife Sarah - she wanted a child too. You know how long she had to wait? 25 years? 30 years? More than that? These stories don't give me hope. Luke Skywalker had to wait 10 years before he and Mara Jade finally got together. Do you know how old I'll be in 10 years? 46! Holy crap! 46! Elyssa will be 16. I don't want to wait 10 years. God, please tell me - how on earth can that be good for me? (Is anyone else laughing that I think about Star Wars so much that I easily tied in a random fact, like it's just as important as a lesson from the Bible?)

Why do I want a husband so badly? Why do I watch couples and wish I could have that? Why do I watch Stupid X interacting with parents at his step-daughter's birthday party and wish I had a husband to interact with other parents? I don't even like Stupid X very much. But I get to watch he and Tara thanking people, getting kids ready to go and packing up gifts as a couple. Why does he get that but I don't? I don't understand. He's the one who cheated!

Oh I'm in such a crap place right now. And friends, no offense because I know you love me, but you don't want to hear about it anymore. Because what can you say that you haven't already said? What can I say that I haven't already said? But I feel like my heart is breaking into bits and I'm all alone with it. This sucks. And I know God doesn't mind hearing about it - but crap! I'm sick of it too. It doesn't go away.

And I can think of one person who might read this and avoid me even more than is already being accomplished. I can tell you've changed your schedule - too awkward? to protect me? to protect yourself? I'm psycho woman - watch out. Run for you life! Who needs this much emotion? "Run - run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, you freaky wo-man." I know I am absolutely destroying any hope of ever connecting again. I have no confidence. And no patience either - but I'm sure everyone noticed that. I think I'm a big ugly loser. I know I'm the only one who can make that go away - but how? Can losing a friend really take that big a chunk out of your heart? This is getting kind of ridiculous, don't you think? I do.

(Somebody is going to bring up counseling again, aren't they? Two already have. I'm a freak. A freak with issues. Although, can you be a freak without issues?)

So how'd I get from "God loves messy me" to "I'm a freak" in this one post? Amy - thanks for encouraging me to write, but I'm not sure this is what you had in mind! :-)

Where Does Good Always Win?

No one wants to hear it anymore.

Do you ever feel like that?

No one wants to hear it - but it still wants to come out. I feel like a pretender sometimes.

Do you ever feel like that?

I'm going to go get lost in the Star Wars Universe. Good always beats evil there.

Two Lists

I'm sure I'll have to add to these as I continue to think about it:

My goal for 2007 is that people will look at me and say to themselves, "There's a girl who loves Christ."

What stirs my affections for Jesus?

• songs
• listening to good/real/applicable sermons
• Max Lucado books
• writing for my blog or in my journal
  
• talking to friends about spiritual issues
• an ah-ha when reading George MacDonald & CS Lewis
• reading the Bible for a purpose
• helping others with things that seem trivial to me, but are huge to them
• having one of those prayers where I'm really pouring my heart out and crying and can just feel God listening to me (no matter how hard I'm hurting, I feel His peace)
  

What robs me of those affections and/or changes my focus?

• lots of kissing in movies (I really miss kissing.)
  
• focusing on my loneliness
• getting behind at school
• a messy house

Excited

I really came back to God after my divorce. I joined a big church and loved it. I joined a class that a friend was in - it was a married class, but that was OK. I pretty much just sat back for the last three years and soaked in everything I could. Maybe that's just what I needed. Maybe I was so empty that I didn't have anything to give. I had to be filled first.

Lately, I've had a yearning to be involved. So listen to all of this! I am now officially part of the B Team to work the parking lot a few times a month. I emailed a lady about working in the nursery with the babies. (I told them that I could not do any children that were walking and talking. I have too much of that during the week.) I registered for the new member's class. I actually went to a Single's thing last Saturday night! (It was easy though - no mingling - no small talk.) I'm going to my first home group this Saturday night. And I emailed a lady about mentoring. I saw a sign in the lobby and thought that my heartache could probably help some other woman who is going through the same thing. The head of the women's ministry said I sounded like I'd be a great mentor and as soon as I got through the new member's class, I should sign up.

Hopefully I won't be sitting around worrying about myself (and other things) so much anymore.

The Thing

Pretend like there is this thing. It's a great thing and it can be looked at in two distinct ways. You begin looking at the thing one way, but slowly you start seeing it a second way too. You can see it clearly both ways - the first and the second. The second way is a more powerful view, but you never stopped looking at the thing the first way. When you are looking the second way, you can still look at it the first way too.

The second way gets weird so you try to go back to only looking at the thing the first way. But it's really really hard. The second way keeps jumping to the front. So then you have to give up looking at the thing at all. And you are sad.

You begin to miss looking at the thing in the first way since you aren't looking at it at all anymore. That's what you think about the most - that first wonderful way to look at the thing. Since the second way is more powerful than the first way, you wonder if you can go back to looking at the thing the first way only. You don't think you can. And the worst part is the thing realized you were looking at it with the second view and the thing remembers stuff. You are realizing as more and more time passes since you looked at the thing at all, you really miss looking at it the first way. So you feel like you screwed everything up by ever looking at the thing the second way. But you couldn't help it.

The first way to look at the thing is very much missed. You hope and pray that you get the chance to look at it the first way again someday, but you are afraid your chance is lost forever.

Wanting

I think I said I wouldn't do this anymore, so I'm sorry.

I want to communicate but I can't, so I'm just going to say hi here and say that I'm praying all the time. I miss stuff.

Maybe just getting it out like this will help me in some way.

Cheating

Those of you who really know me are about to crack up - a lot.

I feel like I'm cheating. I need to go ahead and admit it. Being open about it will bring healing.

I'm watching Star Trek movies. And I'm liking them. (GASP!)

I've always been VERY VERY VERY anti-Star Trek. How on earth could it compete with my first love - Star Wars? I thought that I might as well watch the movies, just to see. I like Sci-Fi. I like space sagas. Maybe Star Trek can hold my attention. The first one pretty much stunk. But it was made in the late 70s so I tried to let that go. The second one was pretty good. And I really like the third one. I'm excited because there are 10! Woo-hoo. Lots of movies to watch. And I found out they are making #11 for 2008. It's being directed by JJ Abrams, who did Lost and Alias and directed Mission Impossible III.

I will not ever be a Trekkie - but Elyssa and I did practice the Vulcan hand salute.

Live long and prosper. And may the Force be with you.

Unexpected

And sometimes, you get the best advice from unexpected places.

Thank you to my new friend. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

:-)

It's Back Again

Hmph.

There are things I want to say and things I want to ask, but I can't because I said I wouldn't, so I haven't and I won't (maybe). Clear as mud?

I don't like it.

I come here and make cryptic comments that anyone who knows me has no difficulty deciphering. So, why do I do this and how does this help? I think I know why, but I don't think it helps.

I'm so tired of the what if game asking me play. How do I make it go away for good? It taunts me with possibilities. Somebody ask it to come play with you for awhile.

If I say something different in any other post (past, present or future), you should know that I'm lying. I've got it bad. And that's bad. Very very bad.

Blech.

My Goal for 2007

I have never heard anything about the resolutions of the apostles, but a great deal about their acts.
Horace Mann

I don't make resolutions - they don't last. But I have a goal for this year. A goal is different, because with a goal, you have to have a plan. It's not just something you say. You have to map out how you are going to achieve it.

Hebrews 10:22-23
Let us come near to God with a sincere heart and a sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold firmly to the hope that we have confessed, because we can trust God to do what He promised.

Hebrews 10 lets us know that Christ paid it all. There are no more sacrifices required - ever. In the Old Testament, people had to offer sacrifices when they messed up. They'd go to the Temple and tell the priest what they did wrong and he'd look in the Law and tell them they had to do this and that and kill a bull or goat and their sin would be forgiven. Jesus doesn't want sacrifices. He doesn't want legalism. He doesn't want me to follow a bunch of rules: you must dress this way, you must listen to this kind of music, you must not read these books . . . blah, blah, blah. He doesn't care about that. He cares about my heart.

In 2007, I want people to look at me and say, "There's a girl who loves Christ." I want to draw closer to Him. I don't know about you, but lots of times - I don't know how to do that. You hear about the things you should be doing (quiet time anyone?) but I'm not sure what that looks like. I've always felt so stupid, like this is something I'm supposed to innately know how to do. I thought that everyone else knew exactly what quiet time was. I didn't want to admit that I had no clue. Just sitting and reading the Bible didn't do it for me. I don't always feel closer to Him just by reading His word.

I listened to another sermon that helped so much. He says quiet time can look completely different to every person. He came up with two questions, which just opened my eyes.

1. What stirs my affections for Jesus Christ? What, when I'm doing it, when I'm around it, when I'm in it, when I'm a part of it, what stirs my heart, what stirs my mind in it's affections towards Jesus? What, when I'm doing it, reading it, a part of it, wants to make me know and be faithful and walk deeply with Jesus Christ?
2. What robs me of my affections? What robs my heart from really wanting to know and walk with and experience the fullness of Christ?
   

I've been thinking about my answers to those questions. I'm going to compile a list and share them with you soon.

I Can't Sleep

This song won't leave my head. It's Hannah Montana from Disney Channel. (I know, it's sad.)

If we were a movie,
You'd be the right guy
and I'd be the best friend,
that you'd fall in love with.
In the end we'd be laughing,
watching the sunset.
Fade to black,
Show the names,
Play that happy song.

Life is not a movie, Erin. Get over it.

Kevin Max

Kevin Max is coming in concert - Feb 8th. Does anyone out there like him? I don't want to go by myself.

this is such a strange beginning
I follow you and I find new meaning
we are formed from all these pieces
take my love and give it reason
and you know our day will come
and you know our day has come
and you know, you know, I know and you know oh

When ? Met Erin

I went to a party. I thought I'd have fun. That's just not my thing anymore. It's not what I want.

You know what I want? I want When Harry Met Sally. Harry sprints to where Sally is on New Year's Eve and tells her he loves her. "It's not because I'm lonely. It's not because it's New Year's Eve. It's because when you figure out you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Where's my Harry?