Matt made another analogy in a different sermon. Parenthood is messy and gross sometimes. Our children throw-up, poop and pee all over the place. We get snot on our shoulders and greasy food stains on our fronts. We change a bazillion diapers. It's gross! But you know what? Loving parents don't yell at the child for throwing up all over the bed in the middle of the night. Loving parents don't keep their child away from wonderful hugs just because she has a snotty nose. Loving parents don't say, "You are so gross now. I can't wait until you are older so I can love you." Loving parents know the mess is there and still love the child.
Our Heavenly Father is the same - even better. We are His gross children. We make the biggest messes. But He loves us anyway - right now. He doesn't love some future version of us. He loves me right now - as screwed up as I am sometimes. I think I hide my "screwed-up-ness" very well. (I had a friend who commented on that. She saw me after school one day, then read a blog I wrote later that evening. She said I seemed fine and then she reads and sees how much I'm hurting.) God doesn't disown me because of the messes I make. He doesn't say, "When you finally get it right, Erin, that's when I'll love you." He loves me right now.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to remember that. (Where are these tears coming from!?!) Why do I have such a hard time with this? A friend used to remind me of that often. Something would happen and he would say, "Look. God's showing Erin He loves her again." Why do I fall away from believing that so easily? Is it because I'm not getting what I want when I want it?
I'm tired of this desire. I want a new one. I want this one to go away. What's the purpose? All I do is want and hurt - want and hurt - want and hurt. How is this good for me, God? What the heck is it for?
I'm doing a Bible Study with my friend Christy in Chicago. (We didn't talk about it yet though. Christy - I'm on Day 6. Where are you? We need to get together.) We are going through a Beth Moore study on David. Remember, I have a love affair with David. He's so screwed up too! One section was about Hannah who becomes Samuel's mom. She couldn't have a baby. The author writes this:
Oh, but God had a plan. A marvelous plan. He allowed Hannah to be childless so that she would petition God for a child instead of assuming it would be the normal result of marital relations. He also allowed Hannah to be deeply desirous of a child so she would dedicate him entirely to the Lord. He sovereignly planned for His word to come through Eli at the temple so that she would return him to the exact place where she made the vow. Why? Because God had a plan for Samuel that was far more significant than even the most loving set of parents could devise.How does this apply, you ask? I'm assuming that since God is in control, He is allowing me to be deeply desirous for a husband. He's allowing me to be husbandless so that I will petition Him for a husband? Hannah made a vow. Am I supposed to make a vow? I have nothing to vow. That doesn't feel right for me. So am I supposed to have hope because Hannah got what she wanted? You know what? Abraham's wife Sarah - she wanted a child too. You know how long she had to wait? 25 years? 30 years? More than that? These stories don't give me hope. Luke Skywalker had to wait 10 years before he and Mara Jade finally got together. Do you know how old I'll be in 10 years? 46! Holy crap! 46! Elyssa will be 16. I don't want to wait 10 years. God, please tell me - how on earth can that be good for me? (Is anyone else laughing that I think about Star Wars so much that I easily tied in a random fact, like it's just as important as a lesson from the Bible?)
Why do I want a husband so badly? Why do I watch couples and wish I could have that? Why do I watch Stupid X interacting with parents at his step-daughter's birthday party and wish I had a husband to interact with other parents? I don't even like Stupid X very much. But I get to watch he and Tara thanking people, getting kids ready to go and packing up gifts as a couple. Why does he get that but I don't? I don't understand. He's the one who cheated!
Oh I'm in such a crap place right now. And friends, no offense because I know you love me, but you don't want to hear about it anymore. Because what can you say that you haven't already said? What can I say that I haven't already said? But I feel like my heart is breaking into bits and I'm all alone with it. This sucks. And I know God doesn't mind hearing about it - but crap! I'm sick of it too. It doesn't go away.
And I can think of one person who might read this and avoid me even more than is already being accomplished. I can tell you've changed your schedule - too awkward? to protect me? to protect yourself? I'm psycho woman - watch out. Run for you life! Who needs this much emotion? "Run - run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, you freaky wo-man." I know I am absolutely destroying any hope of ever connecting again. I have no confidence. And no patience either - but I'm sure everyone noticed that. I think I'm a big ugly loser. I know I'm the only one who can make that go away - but how? Can losing a friend really take that big a chunk out of your heart? This is getting kind of ridiculous, don't you think? I do.
(Somebody is going to bring up counseling again, aren't they? Two already have. I'm a freak. A freak with issues. Although, can you be a freak without issues?)
So how'd I get from "God loves messy me" to "I'm a freak" in this one post? Amy - thanks for encouraging me to write, but I'm not sure this is what you had in mind! :-)
2 comments:
I wanted you to write from the heart. I think you've done that.
Believe it or not, I see promise and hope here. You know what needs to be done, you just don't know how. That's a step. You keep taking baby steps. I'll keep praying.
Hey Erin... I did the chapter last night that you refer to here - in the margin, I wrote that Trae is my "Samuel" in a way. I also wrote in the margin the same comparison you made. Really, the only vow I made to God about it (before I found him) is that I would love this man and treasure him and NEVER forget the blessing he is and the gift from God he is. So far, its a daily thing and I've kept it - I'm treasuring God's "child" as His gift to me. I vowed that to Trae as well.
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