I know in my head that God is the only thing that can fill up my empty spot. I know that. I really do. I know that in my head. I KNOW HE IS ENOUGH.
How do I get it in my heart?
A friend used to tell me that the longings we have are because we see a glimpse of God in whatever is good or pleasing to us. I wish I could find his exact words - they are much better than mine. But if I go looking back through emails and chats, I'll just get sad. My pastor also talked about it recently. And a girl I don't even know wrote about the exact same thing on her blog. Carlotta - I hope you don't mind that I quote you.
Here's my position: No man or woman can ever fill that longing. It is impossible. That longing comes from the One who designed us in His image. We miss the mark when trying to find the right person. It isn't a person at all that we are longing for. We think it is. We argue the physicality of it all. However, the root is not a physical one at all. We long for pure love. Pure devotion. Love without bounds. Love without strings attached. Love without conditions. I GUARANTEE that you cannot find such a thing walking this earth. God designed you in His image. When we understand our God, then we can better understand our longing. Do you understand why God created "man" in the first place? If you don't, let me help you... He wanted a relationship--someone to love and someone to love Him in return. Someone with whom He could have a relationship. That's also why He gave us choice and free-will. Everyone wants to be desired by choice. He would have it no other way. That is why He gave us the choice to love Him and have a relationship with Him, or not. So---all of that being true, let's move on. If we are designed in His image (not meaning that we look like Him), then we too have something deep within us that spurs us into the same longing. We long to love and be loved in return. Who better can fill that void than your God? He made you specifically for that purpose. Why do we not understand this? Why put that kind of pressure on another human being? It's CRAZY to do so! .... Please (listen closely) know that God desires you as much as you are desiring someone else. Go for it. Let Him be your soul mate. It makes perfect sense. No one else can possibly fit your God-shaped hole. It is God-shaped for a reason. Seek Him out. Draw Him into your heart. You will find what you've been searching and longing for all this time. I PROMISE! It is HIS design.Pure Love. That's what I want. I am sitting here crying as I'm typing because that's all I want. I want pure love. Carlotta's description is a perfect explanation of what I want - what I need so desperately to feel complete and right. I fall into the trap that I can get that from a person. And I can't. So I blame myself - I'm not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I want that contentment. I know in my head that only God can do it for me. I struggle with getting it from my head to my heart. When I was going through my divorce, my counselor said that the farthest distance in the world is the space between our heads and our hearts.
It sounds stupid, but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to let God be enough. I want to - I want my ache to go away. I want God to be enough for me. I just don't know how to actually accomplish it.
I think I'm on the right path, but I am so weary.
8 comments:
Carlotta is one of the wisest women I know. You are very wise, too. It isn't an easy process to get what you know in your head to be something you know in your heart. For me, I had to literally hit rock bottom before I "got it." I think that is true for a lot of people. I don't know. Just ask God to put it there for you. Take that to him. Tell him what you know in your head and ask Him to put it in your heart, too. He can and when it is time, He will.
"I GUARANTEE that you cannot find such a thing walking this earth. God designed you in His image. When we understand our God, then we can better understand our longing."
Crazy agnostic girl jumping in here...anyone who offers me a guarantee about anything unprovable is questionable. It sounds wise because it tugs at the heart...and your heart is hurting. It makes you feel better to think that you're looking in the wrong place, and that's why you're hurting. That's not why you're hurting. You're looking in the right places. Your God gave us hearts and minds, human love, physical affection, all the things humans feel, right? The why on Earth would God be your soulmate? Does God kiss you and hold you in his arms? Stroke your hair? Say loving things to make you feel better? There's nothing wrong with desiring the physical aspects of love, because God created it that way, didn't he? If not, then where does it come from? Why do we desire it? Is love evil? Is physical affection of the devil?
Highly doubtful friend. There are no guarantees.
If God created you in His image, then he created EVERYONE in his image, which means that the probability of finding true and pure love in another human is highly possible. No?
No, I can't have those physical things with God. That's not the point. The point is that my empty spot isn't going to feel full until He is totally taking that space up. All the kisses and stroking and loving words are not going to fill that space in my soul forever. Because another human can't do that. I want perfect love and we aren't perfect.
Absolutely God gave us the physical desires. The stupid "religious" folk who turned it into the devil's work are a plague upon society. It is His creation - it is His gift to us. But He also placed parameters - boundaries - around the physical part in order to keep it right. One man - one woman - waiting for sex until after marriage. Attraction and sex are gifts from Him. They aren't from the devil at all. God thought them up! God wants us to enjoy them. He made us to feel it. Passionately! Completely! To the tips of our toes!
You know why I married Anthony? I knew he was wrong for me. I knew he was horrible for me! But I had sex with him before marriage. I felt that I had to marry him because I knew God's way was right and I had already made the choice to give that part of myself to another. I couldn't be with anyone else. You may not agree with that boundary - but I know that if I had waited - I would NEVER have married him. Do I regret it? Hell no. I have a wonderful daughter that I could never replace. But I do know that if I had waited - I wouldn't be divorced right now. Which is why I will wait until marriage to do it again. I messed with God's parameters and suffered for it. But God can still use me. I've been forgiven. I will do it right next time. And you know what? I miss sex like crazy! I feel it daily. I miss kissing most of all, but I'm getting off the point. I know the right way now and I will wait.
I think true love can be found here on earth. But it won't be perfect. I can't let myself think that another person will make me happy every minute of my life. I can't think my own intelligence/work/children/whatever will make me happy every minute of the rest of my life. My soul wants perfection and I can only get that from Him. We all crave it.
I am trying to learn how to let Him be it for me. Then I think that the love I will hopefully have one day here on Earth will be unbelievable - a true mingling of souls. Because I'm letting God still be the One.
Erin, I'm so proud of you!
I had a similar experience as Amy did - I hit rock bottom before I was able to transfer truths from head-to-heart.
And though you won't find the perfect PERSON on earth, I think you can find a perfect love. A love that is filtered through God to you and from you for your mate. A love that is beyond anything you thought you could capture on earth. A love that holds sacred your vulnerabilities and fears and a love that treasures all the beauty in you and sees it more than you ever thought someone could. I think you can find that... but I think (to your point) God has to fill your empty spot first, once that's filled (in both of you) by God, you can be the most imperfect people in world with the purest love imagineable because you're standing on the foundation of God's love, truths, His example and His will. There perfect person isn't out there, but a true love, filtered by God's heart and truth and love is attainable to the MOST imperfect humans on the planet.
But, you are right, He's GOT to fill that spot for you first.
I too had to hit bottom to "get it". I'd be glad to tell you about it via email or something if you want. I respect anonymous' viewpoint. But, I never said anything was wrong with wanting the physical. I even said it is good to have relationships with others in addition to our relationship with God if God blesses in that way. God cannot stroke our hair, hold our hands, kiss us, etc...and Erin you are right that wasn't even my point. Like Amy, I am SO proud of you and your response. YOU GET IT. God did make you. He DID give you those human desires, but Satan wants you to think that will give you the contentment that only God can give. Anonymous is right about that God making you human and thus gave you those feelings. I am not trying to sound wise by tugging at your heart. I am not trying to minimize your pain. I just know that no person can give you what God can. PERIOD. And we DO look to another person to fill all of our needs, and a person simply cannot. Doesn't mean we don't still have human longings. But I know that in my life, He has quietened them, as only He can. He is giving me all that I need. I GUARANTEE you that. ; ) Doesn't mean we don't all hope for the best earthly love possible. Would be a great thing to have, but it's not a requirement for happiness and contentment. Just one woman's view...
HUG!
The only thing about all this "rock bottom" talk - I thought I've already been to that place and climbed back up. I don't see how I can be more "rock bottom" than my divorce - being cheated on and left in a flash. I turned to God for that and have healed (mostly). I guess I'm still hanging on to something - some part of me won't get down off my pedestal - some part that won't let go. I don't know. I probably should go do some Christian counseling and see what I can find out. It's been suggested by more than one person.
I do appreciate all the comments, ladies. I love the honesty and respectfully allowing differing opinions. It's cool.
I didn't forget you....I'm working on making time to sit and reply stream-of-conscious style. :)
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