Promises, Promises

Sometimes I wonder if God has these conversations with Pastor Matt and tells him what he needs to preach on because Erin needs to hear it. But I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not the only one who struggles with this crap. Why do we get like that? Believing we are beat down by something different and new and that no one would understand. It's craziness.

Matt is the greatest pastor ever in the history of the world. (OK that may be stretching it, but he really is awesome!) He loves taking us through complete books of the Bible. I started at The Village last year when he was ending up Ecclesiastes. Then he went through the book of Romans. Now he is going through the book of Luke. It's so awesome to hear connections and lessons that he can pull from the scripture. It's cool to go through a book that you've read a million times (OK maybe not millions!) and get something totally different from it.

Matt started out his sermon with how many of us don't believe the promises of God. Yeah, we read them. We understand them. We get it, cognitively. But we don't believe it. He gave 3 examples:

• God will give us an out when we are tempted - He won't give us more than we can handle. (1Cor 10:13)
• He will complete the good work that He started in us. (Philippians 1:6)
  
• "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)

I could add to that list of promises:

• For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
• Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart. (Psalm 37:4)
• God sets the lonely in families. . . . (Psalm 68:6)
• ...but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him. (Psalm 32:10)
• The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

I could go on and on. I want to believe these.

Luke 1.

Zechariah wanted proof of the promise. He was OLD. His wife was OLD. Then some angel appears and tells him he will finally get the son he has pleaded for. Zechariah wanted proof. "How can I be sure of this?"

Mary accepted that God could do anything. She is given the promise of bearing the Son of God. She asked how it will be done. She did not ask for proof. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I worked the parking lot this morning. There was this girl who was so completely and utterly happy and laughing and she just looked so pure, so confident. She was so beautiful - and it was because she was so full of joy. Her inward beauty shone out like a lighthouse. She didn't care who was around - she was letting her happiness out. We spoke as she went in to church. I had a huge smile. Later, church let out and I was back in my spot directing traffic. The girl and her boyfriend drive by and she just lights up and waves and smiles at me - like we were long lost best friends. I don't even know her name. But I want that to be me. I want the happiness that I show lots of times to be that real and that pure and not just Erin trying to be happy because everyone expects her to be.

So how does this girl and the promises of God go together? I'd be willing to bet that she believes the promises in her heart - not just in her head.

The question I wrote at the end of my notes was "Do I believe He really loves me?"

Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.

Answered Prayer

I'm a little embarrassed about this, but I'll go ahead and share because it just shows how awesome God is. The dude on myspace wanted to meet. I asked him to meet me at the movies tonight at 9:35. (I know! I know! I shouldn't meet random strangers at the movies. But I'm bored. And lonely. And wanted to go to the movies anyway!)

I decided after setting it all up that I didn't really want to do this. So I asked God to take care of it. I said something like, "God. I know I messed up. I know this is a bad idea. If You can please forgive my stupidness and take care of this situation, I would be very grateful. I don't know how You can fix it since I'm the one who kind of set it up. (Can you believe I said that? He is God, isn't He?) I'm the one who made the bad choice. I'm the one who initiated the where and when. I don't want to be rude and just back down. I know that's my people-pleasing issue. But God can you just take care of it somehow?"

The guy IMs me at around 8:00. I was getting dressed to go meet him because, in my stupidness, I didn't want to be rude. (I am a MESS!) He tells me he's not that into Jodi Foster. He never offers a different movie or a different anything else. Actually he kind of picks a fight with me over IM. I'm pretty amazed because - um - we don't know each other well enough to fight. So I tell him pretty much that I'm not the girl for him and it would be better for him to find someone else. So not only does God fix the situation tonight - He ends the whole thing! I deleted the jerk from my friend list on myspace. And I let him have it on IM that I was not going to be a doormat and I was not going to be blamed for how everyone else has treated him. And that if he didn't get his bitterness taken care of, it was going to eat him from the inside out. (Which made me think of Bleeker's song "Inside Out.")

I was yet again, trying to take the control back from God. And He, yet again, saves me from myself. Why is He so good to me over and over and over?

I want a boyfriend who becomes a husband. But this little episode again shows me that I really want it God's way. My way never works for me. My way stinks every single time. I'm glad I'm learning, but I wish I'd just get it learned already.

Made The Phone Call

Yes, I did. I called the Center for Christian Counseling. I haven't actually made an appointment, but will talk to the lady tomorrow I think. Of course, I'm already worried about that conversation. Do I call her by her first name or do I call her Dr? Sheesh!

I'm stepping in the right direction at least.

It's Too Hard

Two friends at church last night said they could tell I was sad because they could see it in my eyes.

I don't mind writing about myself - if you've read my stuff, you already know that. But I can't talk about myself. It's too hard - but not in the way you might think. (Disclaimer: the use of you below is the generic, anyone in the world, you.)

It's too hard to have you looking at me. It's too hard to because I can't edit and delete and start over. It's too hard because I get nervous and stumble over my words. It's too hard because there might be long pauses where you might think you need to fill it up with words. It's too hard because I don't know what you're thinking and I worry about that. If I'm writing, I don't have to care about what you're thinking because I don't see you. But if you're looking at me? Yikes. The worry about what you're thinking takes up the front of my brain and I can't communicate anything else because it gets shoved below the worry. It's too hard because what I'm feeling is probably stupid. In fact, I know that the things that are making me sad are stupid because they are minor things. There are others who have so much more difficult things to deal with; my stuff is trivial and actually quite selfish. It's too hard because I don't know if you really care. I mean, I know you care, but, maybe I don't understand why you care. It's too hard because if I share my heart with you out loud, you might go away. It's too hard because I love you so much and don't want you to go away.

I argued with my friends last night that I wasn't sad.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Guys Are Weird

So my myspace IMing friend has IMd me a few times. He's having a rough time with his marital situation. The cool thing is how up front I'm being about God and how He's been there for me and that maybe he should try Him too. Of course we chat about other things and it's easy to get flirty while IMing and somehow guys always have to go sexual in some way. Why is that? Oh, never mind. I know why. And to be honest, I'm sure it's not all guys. I wish I wasn't such a sucker for a good writer.

But anyway - I was very up front about how I will save all that fun stuff until I get married. I'm proud of myself for that too, because I wasn't that up front recently with another bloke because I didn't want to ruin my chances to get a kiss. I very much now wish I had ruined my chances, but you live and learn. Anyway (I keep getting off topic) I was trying to tell him that I wanted to wait because if a guy could make that kind of commitment to me and still want me - then he's a guy worth keeping. So my IM friend says, "I don't believe in that." I said, "you don't believe in what exactly?" And he replies, "We'll save that for another time. I've got to go to bed." That was quite a quick exit.

Now I'll be really surprised if I ever do hear from him again, seeing as how he knows he's not getting any from me. And I don't care one way or another - he's got way too many issues - number one being that he's still married. But it still shows how weird guys are. (I don't know if I have any male readers anymore. No offense. You're not all bad.)

This whole thing is making me remember another IM friend I had. He was separated too, but a Christian and I fell pretty hard for him. That's putting it mildly. I crashed and burned. Last December we came to the conclusion that we couldn't talk anymore because I couldn't keep it just at the friendship level and he was in no place to go over the friendship line (plus who knows if the thought ever crossed his mind anyway.) It's been almost a year. That fact amazes me. I wrote about this a lot back then, feel free to look back through my pain. I haven't been able to.

I didn't think I would be able to live with that pain. I hadn't realized how hard I had fallen. I haven't seen him since either - we used to see each other at school occasionally. I've almost seen him twice this year, but strategically kept myself out of view. He was also at Wal-mart right before school started - his son came to say hi to me. Holy crap - did I try to go where I didn't think he'd go. I kept looking around, but also trying to hide. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want him to see me - it was comical. I don't know how to look him in the face. I've never fallen for someone and let him know about it and been rejected. Actually, I haven't fallen that hard very many times in my life. I felt like this guy knew me better than anyone ever did - ever. I opened my heart and then had to retreat. Wow that hurt. I've gotten very nostalgic about him. I wonder if he's OK. I hope his heart healed from his broken marriage. I wish something could happen between us. I keep hoping that someday he'll contact me again. It's a silly hope. He didn't feel the same way about me. I accept that now. But every time the phone rings and I don't recognize the number - a crazy hope overtakes me that it'll be him. He's like the first face that pops into my head. It's weird because it's been a year!

Which brings me to the point of this post. IM is very dangerous for me. I totally let my heart go out to the first guy. He was always a perfect gentleman - only slightly flirty, which of course I always second-guessed because I wasn't sure if he really was being flirty or if I just was hoping that he was. (He probably wasn't at all. I'm the one who had feelings - not him.) We filled an emotional need for each other. That's the dangerous part. Then there was this friend of a friend who I liked recently. And now I have this new IM friend who is very needy emotionally. But I'm very aware of the emotional trap that IM can lead to. I still think it's fun, but I hope I'm doing a better job at being guarded. I don't want to fall for someone this way again. It's too painful.

I'm not sure why I just rambled out that whole story. Except that my memories are all rushing up to the front and I wish for things that will never happen. But it's all in God's hands. He knows who is right for me. I just wonder why, after a year, the feelings haven't just gone away. Why are they still so near the surface? Then of course, I drift off into the "wouldn't that be the greatest story? How I liked him all this time and he liked me too but wanted to heal from his heartbreak and how we became friends again and fell in love. . . ."

It would be a great story.

He's Listening

Funny how God works. My rant yesterday (about being trapped by negative feelings) was answered today. A friend (thanks Lisa) sent me an email newsletter she got and this was the beginning:

Become a Strong Woman Who Rises to Fight

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Holly Wagner's new book, Warrior Chicks, (Regal, 2007).

Life is full of crises that can defeat you if you go through them passively. But no matter what type of crisis comes your way -- a scary medical diagnosis, an unexpected financial burden, a painful broken relationship -- you can emerge victorious if you rise to fight.

Here's how you can become a warrior who taps into the power to overcome anything:

Believe that you're beautiful. Combat the lie that the culture often perpetuates -- that you're not beautiful enough and must constantly work to hide your flaws. Embrace the truth that you're beautiful just as you are, because God made you that way on purpose. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you. Instead of comparing yourself to others, be grateful for your uniquely beautiful features. Live in the confidence of God's love for you.

Now does this mean I am magically fixed? Of course not. But if I start praying to see myself as God sees me, maybe I'll be stepping in the right direction. It's just so hard! We're slammed by the media with the ideal visual and I'm not there. I'll never be there. Ever. So in the world's eyes - I'm not ideal. I just have to not care about the world, which is much easier said than done.

The Crazy Circle

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets swallowed up in negative thoughts about myself? Do you guys do that? Do you constantly think horrible thoughts about yourself? I know the idea has been raised many times that I should seek counseling. Have I done anything about it? No. Why not? Fear. What exactly am I afraid of? Being seen as weak in front of someone. Ah-ha - I would worry about what they think of me. Holy crap. It is a crazy circle.

But I'm also a bit bothered about the hate feelings that welled up inside me yesterday. Where did those come from? It's been 4 years. Yes, I've been angry with X since then, but I've forgiven him. I feel like I've forgiven him. Wouldn't I know if I haven't? Maybe it's because they are having another baby? Ugh. Who knows.

The myspace guy IMd Nire today. It was nothing - just telling her about a Star Wars game coming out soon. No hello or anything. He sent her a link. How does Nire feel? Totally relieved. She doesn't care if he ever IMs her again - at least she knows he is not consumed with hatred for her. Sheesh.

Last night, after dumping my stuff on here, I decided to give God some time. I've been neglecting Him recently. I prayed - "God, please speak to me. I need something to help me see the truth." The next Psalm I was to read was 77. I know it's long. I would summarize, but I won't do it justice.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Did you catch verse 8? "Has His unfailing love vanished forever?" I'm always questioning God's unfailing love. (Why?) Then in verse 12, Asaph turns himself around. He thinks to himself, "Wait - let's just spend a few seconds thinking about all the things God HAS done." I did that a little last night - God's been AMAZING to me. So why do I continue to question?

But it's funny - I question whether everyone likes me or not. Where does this lack of self-worth come from? I think people would describe me as confident. I hide my insecurity very well. You, right now, reading this? I've probably asked myself if you really liked me. I've probably uttered the words, "I don't think she/he likes me at all." Sad, right? Why? It does kind of make sense that I question why God would continue to like me if I wonder about my best friends from time to time. Heck, best friends? Try all humans! Notice a pattern? Why do I need constant reassurance from others? Why do I try to do everything I can so others will like me? Does it come from being adopted? Do I feel abandoned since birth? Does it come from having an alcoholic father and a drug addict for a brother? Does it come from having a mom who was crazy over the other two that I never felt like I got much attention? Or a grandmother who always says I'm her granddaughter - but not by blood? Does it come from having a spouse who abandons me for another woman?

Yeah, yeah. I already know what you're thinking. "It's called counseling, stupid." But we've already covered that fear.

The thing is - I don't feel hopeless. Not at all. I don't even feel very sad at this moment. I just question everyone's motives. I'm not sure why people like me. I really and truly don't need your reassurance that you really really do like me. On some level - I totally and honestly know that. But there's always this little thing that pops up from time to time where I go through a wondering faze.

Ugh. I need sleep.

Frustration

I don't even know how to explain my frustration without making it sound trivial. Right there - that tells me it shouldn't be a problem. I'm the one making it a problem.

Let's just say there's this girl. We'll call her Nire. She somehow hurts some guy's feelings, but really not because he's the one with the issues. Nire doesn't even know this guy - at all - just chatted with him from myspace. (Nire think myspace is from the devil. Ha.) The guy is super sensitive she supposes - going through a divorce does that to you. (Disclaimer - Nire knows it could all be a fabrication - it is the internet - but let's just give him the benefit of the doubt.) Nire makes it clear to him that she could not get involved with anyone who was still legally married (not that she'd get involved with anyone from myspace anyway, but there has got to be Christians out there somewhere). But chatting with him is fun. He flips out, talking about how he feels like he's an outcast, everyone runs from him when they hear he's separated, blah, blah, blah. Nire is very surprised by the outburst and tries to apologize for hurting his feelings. She didn't mean to. She never thought he had the plague or whatever he was ranting about. But he won't really accept her apology - wouldn't respond to her email. It bugs the crap out of Nire.

The frustration is because I care too much about what people think about me - even strangers! (Surprise - I'm Nire. Oh, you already figured that out? I haven't written in code for so long - I'm surprised that one didn't work.) Here is a total stranger that I don't even care about and I'm bothered because I somehow upset him. It's bothered me all day. I've said my piece to him but I'm still bugged by it. Why? Why am I still bugged?

I even told my friends Debbie and Shannon at church that I feel so guilty every time I see a person who works in the nursery. I stepped down (oh all right - quit) working in the nursery because it was stressing me out. Kids all day. Kid at home. Kids on the weekend. I hated it. But when I'd see someone from the nursery, I just knew they were thinking bad things about me - Erin the quitter - and talking about me. I just felt covered in guilt for not following through on huge need at church. Debbie and Shannon both looked at me like I was crazy - Debbie refreshed my memory that it's totally Satan trying to mess with me. But I don't want people to think badly of me. Sheesh - this is actually bringing tears!

It was a strange day. There is this wonderful lady at school who recently went through the falling apart of her marriage. It was for the same reasons that mine fell apart. Well, her almost ex husband came to school today to eat lunch with their kids. When I saw him, all this crap welled up inside me. I felt hatred toward this man that I really don't even know! Like all the angry feelings I felt for my ex when I was in the midst of the worst pain came rushing to the surface. It was strange. He waved and smiled at me (I taught their son) and I had to force myself to wave back. Where did that come from? It left me kind of defeated feeling.

I'm sure it's because I haven't made God important the last few days. I was exhausted this weekend and took a nap Sunday. Totally slept through church! So I didn't even get my weekend boost. I have issues I need to deal with - that's what Shannon would tell me. I could cry right now and I'm not really sure why.

Why can't nice guys from church talk to me? Losers seem to have no problem. Creepy guys seem to have no problem. Nice guys who aren't Godly seem to have no problem.

My focus is wrong again. I know. I know. I know. UGH!

Psalm 45:11 The King is enthralled by my beauty - The King. He's the one who matters. Abba Father - help me. Please?

More Proof

It's just so sad. It's such a true statement of our worldly world.

I was reading people.com today at lunch, as I do every day. (Don't judge me!) I came across an article that described Pamela Anderson's take on the fight between her two ex's at the VMAs - Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Blah, blah, blah, who cares. But one sentence popped out. She was on Ellen DeGeneres recently and Ellen asked her if she was involved with anyone now.

"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," Anderson told DeGeneres. "It's so romantic. It's romance."

She paid off a poker debt with sex and it was romantic? I'm confused. I'm so very confused.

It's just more proof to me that I want none of that. I want to wait. I think, after my most recent escapade, that kissing will most likely be off limits for quite a while. I want it God's way. I won't settle for anything less. He is enthralled with my beauty and I will honor Him.

Enthralled By My Beauty

Every woman who reads this will totally know what I'm saying. You have the days where you just think to yourself - I'm fat, ugly and no one will ever love me. Right? We've all done it.

I copied this verse on a post-it note and taped it to my mirror. I read it every time I look in the mirror. I'm inhaling it into my very soul. I want to believe it. You should too.

Psalm 45:11
The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord.

Enthralled - do you get the power behind that word? It means being held spellbound or captive. To be enslaved. To be filled with wonder and delight.

Our King is enthralled by each and every one of us. Enthralled, ladies. Completely enthralled.

I want to give Him my honor. I want to give Him my purity. He is all that matters and He is enthralled - by my beauty! Feels good. :-)

Hey Erin - You Listening?

Most of you know I've been struggling with a temptation recently. The thought that has gone through my mind is that everyone else has done it, so why can't I? Everyone else has their "fun" and has survived so - why can't I? Why do I have to make the right choice? My body is telling me one thing - my mind another - and my heart knows the truth. But ~ I want what I want.

I think we all have a struggle with something. And it can change to a different struggle over time. I think we try to hide these struggles from everyone because either we're that prideful or we're that ashamed (which is actually just another form of pride).

I've been very much up and down in my decision making process. I've made up my mind that I'm going to go ahead and do what I want if the opportunity presents itself. I've been back to I'll wait. I've thought about doing what I want again. At this moment, I KNOW I don't want to be used - and that's a big improvement! It's not my intent to do the wrong thing.

A few days ago I bought the new Casting Crowns CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet - Elyssa makes me listen to High School Musical 2 every time we're in the car. But I think it's because God wanted me to really hear a song today, when it was just me, quiet in the car. I'll paste the lyrics here, but you need to listen to it sometime. It's worth thinking about. Our downfall is many times just a slow fade.

Slow Fade/Casting Crowns/The Altar & The Door
Be careful little eyes what you see
It’s the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings.
Be careful little feet where you go
For it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises leave broken hearts astray

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see

First Day of School

Proudly showing the new backpack.

Can you see some of my Star Wars stuff in the background?

Look at my second grader!

Smart Friends

I have the best friends. One of my friends wrote me the greatest thing today and I wanted to share it. I've changed some names to protect the innocent.

it's not the guy you like at all. and as for that, i think you are better off this way. i love the guy you like and i still think he's a good guy, but just not the guy for you. i watched a video thing the other night at church and it made me think of our similar desires~marriage and baby. the guy that spoke created veggie tales. he talked about how he created this multi- million dollar company and thought he was doing good because it was all for God (teaching about Christ etc). well, he ended up going bankrupt after a series of events. all the while he was wondering why God wasn't stepping in to save him. after all, he was working to bring people to God. Anyway, his point at the end was that he had let his dream of creating this huge company with all it's productions become more important to him than God. Even though the whole purpose behind his company's goal was to teach about Christ, he had let the dream become more important. he put his relationship with God on the back burner. he said anything we are unwilling to let go of is an idol that we are choosing to worship instead of focusing on HIM. This part hit me really hard~~~~~ Give it all to God. Remain faithful to Him and realize (no matter how crappy or painful..this is my addition) that He may or may not realize your dream but that's ok because you have God. God didn't realize your dream with the guy you liked because He knew it wasn't right for you. He knows your desires and He will fulfill them. I hold that truth close to my heart. I know one day you will be find Mr. Right and one day I will have another child. It may not be the person or the path that WE would have chosen, but what do we know, right?!!

My pastor talks about how we hold some things tightly in our hands and that's making it an idol. I've got to learn to unclench my fist.

First Day Back

I miss my summer.

Got to school at 7:55 am.

Left school at 8:55 pm.

What the heck?

The Dark is Rising

New movie coming out based on Susan Cooper's book The Dark is Rising. Maybe you've heard of the first one in the series - Over Sea, Under Stone. They were written in the 70s. I wanted to read them before the movie comes out. I was reading last night and two quotes jumped out at me.

"He must not only be very brave, he must really love you as if he were your son," said Will, "to do things like this for you and the Light."
"But still he is only a man," said Merriman, and his voice was rough and the pain back deep in his face. "And he loves as a man, requiring proof of love in return."

This is my trap - loving as a human. Demanding proof of love in return.

The other quote illustrates temptation so well.

"So it will go," Merriman said. "He will have a sweet picture of the Dark to attract him, as men so often do, and beside it he will set all the demands of the Light, which are heavy and always will be. All the while he will be nursing his resentment of the way I might have had him give up his life without reward. You can be sure the Dark makes no sign of demanding any such thing - yet. Indeed, its lords never risk demanding death, but only offer a black life. . . ."

Something to think about.

Like A Child

Why do we drift so far from God? Even when we know we're doing it, but can't seem to turn it back. Even when we know how horrible we feel - even when we know we're unhappy - we still step away from Him.

I go to the greatest church of all time. Our pastor is amazing - so very real. He reminded me of something on Sunday.

As parents, there are times we deny our children things. Maybe it's candy before dinner or a new toy. Maybe it's telling her to get out of the pool now or leave a friend's house. My pastor's example was telling your child not to walk on the back of the couch that's right in front of a big window. But you know how when you do it - when you say no - you get that look from your child like you are stealing her joy? Your child thinks you are the most heartless, awful person in the world. How could you deny your child this happiness? You deny her that happiness, because you, the parent, see the bigger picture. You want to increase her joy later in life. You know that candy before dinner is not healthy. You know that falling through a window brings huge pain. You know more than your child.

Is our Heavenly Father any less knowledgeable? He knows the window is dangerous. He knows you will be cut to ribbons if you fall through it. He knows if you date the wrong person - the pain will be almost unbearable. He knows these things will hurt, so He graciously denies us these things. We, the children, throw tantrums. I know I do. We can't see past right now.

I want to remember this lesson. Lord, help me remember. I've been so unhappy for the last month. Maybe I didn't know how unhappy I was until just recently, but my focus has been wrong and it's been wearing me down.

I have a problem. I think that I should be better than this. It reminds me of Anakin in Star Wars. (Go ahead and sigh. I don't blame you. I'm a freak!) Anakin tells Padme in Episode II that he killed all the Sand People - women and children too. He was consumed by anger. She tells him that being angry is being human. He says, "I am a Jedi. I can be better than this." I think somewhere in my brain I have a plaque that reads, "I am a Christian. I can be better than this." Maybe my expectations are too high? I think when I fail, I don't deserve to be taken back. Or I don't understand somehow why I am being given another chance. Or I don't get why He wants me back after I've let Him down so many times. Why does He still love me even when I screw up in the same way over and over? Does that make sense?

I had a friend that I wrote with a lot last year. He had a great way of pointing out - God's showing Erin that He loves her again. It was just cool. I'm not sure why I can't just get it. Then I get upset because I think I should be getting it by now and the whole cycle starts again. You fail people too many times and they don't love you any more. You don't get chances over and over again with humans. Why can't I get that God is different than that?

Yeah, I know - CALL THE COUNSELOR!

Apologies

My words hurt people and I don't even mean it that way. I'm so selfish right now. I'm so sorry.

I think it best if I chill out for awhile and not dump out my whole heart here. Because, honestly, what purpose is it serving? Maybe it helps me to unload, but if what I'm saying is hurting my best friends - making them think things or doubt me - it's not worth it.

I'm done for awhile.

(OK - so it was for a very short while. But I am going to try to stop unleashing the depths of my heart. I don't think that's good for anyone. But I also don't know if I can actually stop writing that way. It's what I do. I just don't know.)

Too Much

Lots of anguish last night. I should stop writing in public when I'm feeling like that. I did spend lots of time writing, praying and reading with God last night. I actually threw my journal across the room - it was a strange feeling. I've never done that before. It crumpled some pages. I couldn't leave it that way for long - that's just being mean to the poor book.

I don't know that I'm in a better spot just yet. At home group tonight, some ladies were talking about accepting that God may want us single. I felt like God was just throwing it up in my face again. I hate hearing that. I hate thinking like that. I don't like it. It makes me mad. Why would God choose that for me? And if He did want that for me - why would He make me desire a husband so badly?

I wrote about Hind's Feet - the book we're reading. One lady pointed out the following paragraph. I remember reading it and thinking, "That just plain sucks."

It is God's will that some of His children should learn this deep union with Himself through the perfect flowering of natural human love in marriage. For others it is equally His will that the same perfect union should be learned through the experience of learning to lay down completely this natural and instinctive desire for marriage and parenthood, and accept the circumstances of life which deny them this experience. This instinct for love, so firmly implanted in the human heart, is the supreme way by which we learn to desire and love God Himself above all else.

It's not fair. I'm supposed to be married. Stupid X is the one who cheated. Not me. It wasn't me who wanted out. I'm supposed to be married right now - not single. Not lonely. Not by myself. So how is that fair? How is that good? How is that working for the good of those who love Christ? It doesn't fit. It just doesn't.

I fear that I will never accept that God wants me single. I don't want to accept it. I don't. Not at all.

I don't want to be single.

So Explain It

I don't get it.

Yipee - God answered one prayer super fast. He sure is amazing, isn't He? (Lightning is going to strike me dead if I don't quite yelling at Him.) Tell me why He won't answer the rest of them? I've prayed for a husband. Nothing. I've prayed to not be lonely anymore. Nothing. I've prayed to be happy with my place. Nothing. I've prayed to be accepting. Nothing. I've prayed to not care. Nothing. I've prayed that I'll look at what I've got instead of what I don't have. Nothing. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I stopped praying. Nothing. I ask for something drastic so I won't like a guy - and THAT one He answers immediately.

Explain it to me because I just don't get it.

I hate where I am right now. Hate it. Hate it with all my being. Hate feeling stupid. Hate getting my hope up. Hate caring. Hate pretending I don't care. Hate feeling helpless. Hate knowing that for the 5 million good women, there are maybe 2 good men out there. Hate that I don't feel I have one single special thing to offer anyone. Hate that I can't talk to people I don't know. Hate hate hate crying. Hate being selfish. Hate it all. I won't say I hate myself - but I'm not real fond of me right now.

You'll tell me to let it go. You'll tell me to lay it at the cross. Maybe I'm just stupid. I thought I did that. I must be stupid because I just can't do it right. So what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

I Asked For It

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

I finally prayed about it last night. I said, "God - You are going to have to do something drastic because I don't want to stop liking him."

This morning, my friend tells me that he is taking a job with his company where he will go out of the country for two months.

I don't want to hear any crap about "it's for the best" or anything like that. It just goes to prove the God doesn't want me to have any fun. (OK - I don't really mean that, but it's how I feel right now.)

This stinks. And I feel stupid for being upset at all. It was one freakin' date!

Can I say it one more time - I HATE DATING!