Loneliness is not the absence of faces. It is the absence of intimacy.I've wondered many times why I write here for other people to read. Why does it please me? What do I get from it? I think I know. I want someone to know me intimately.
Max Lucado ~ Traveling Light
I have a hard time talking about my deepest thoughts, even with my best friends. I constantly worry that I sound stupid. I worry what the other person is thinking about my words and then I lose what I'm trying to say. When I write, I don't worry about what you are thinking. I can focus on what I'm trying to convey. I can fix it if it sounds stupid. I can make sure that it means exactly what I want it to mean.
You know why I'm struggling? I had an outlet for my deepest thoughts. I was able to write and be fully myself - silly, weird, serious, stupid, deep, Star Wars dorky - me. I didn't have to worry if I sounded dumb. I didn't have to read facial expressions and body language. I could just be me. And I was liked - I think. I was enjoyed. Somebody got me and wanted to know more. I was told, "You don't have to be generic with me" and somehow that opened up something in my heart. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. I got to be intimate with someone who understood me. That's what I miss. That's why this is hard. (Sorry if it's too much info - see there I go, totally concerned what you are thinking of my deepest thoughts. crap!)
I know now that it was too much too fast. But that's what I miss.
This relates to the fact that I have to let God be that One. Because He will never leave. He will never leave. He will never leave. He will never leave. And that's what I want.
6 comments:
Someone has mentioned it before - about keeping a prayer journal... writing your prayers to God. It sounds like you "get" that God needs to be who you build the intimacy with, but the "how" and how do YOU internalize that intimacy is the tricky part. I have found that keeping prayer journals in times like that, even more than praying out loud, helps me feel connected. You can tell HIM everything, be angry with Him, cry, voice frustration, fear, etc. and you'll feel him and that closeness you're so hungry for. Again, I know someone else has already recommended it and I just want to encourage it. If you have done it or are doing it, just keep on. Write to HIM, in a notebook, not us - and you'll feel it. (well, us too!)
when I said "well us too", I meant keep writing to us, not that we'll feel it too! =)
Well said. That's one of the reasons that I write too. It's a format in which you cannot be interrupted, lose your train of thought, and you can rewrite/reword anything that initially sounds "stupid" or doesn't come out just right, etc...I totally get that. It's easier to open up and be REAL when you are certain your words are coming out in the truest way that you are feeling them. I love your writing. I get so much out of what you write. Keep it up!
As for the intimacy with God issue, I think everyone has different ways to do accomplish this and gain true closeness and initmacy with Him. You should find what works the very best for YOU.
My favorite thing about God is that He gets me. Even when I don't get myself. The thing is He gets me and still pursues me!!
Christy - I'm glad you clarified because for a second I thought you meant I should chill on the writing. I worry I put too much out there.
I do write to Him a lot. I just need to push past something I guess.
I love the book I'm reading - Traveling Light.
NO - you aren't writing too much! Don't stop doing that! =)
Whew, glad I clarified!
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