The Cross. The Swastika.

Oh yeah, I have a blog. Wow. It's been months. Anyone still reading?

So a girl I know wrote this as her status update on facebook:

"I look forward to the day when the cross sits discarded beside the swastika as just another reminder of the dangers of blind faith." -Craig Smiths.

It bothered me quite a bit, but I didn't know how, or if, I should respond. I kind of feel like I should have responded, but she's way smarter than me and I don't think I could defend myself logically - which is what seems to be most important to this lady. I do like this girl a lot. We aren't hang out buddies or anything, but she's got a lot of great qualities. I just wish she wasn't so lost.

Anyway - this is what I wanted to write:

I wondered how can these two things be compared to each other. At first I thought it was just plain craziness. The swastika is a symbol of total tyranny and hate. It is a symbol of death. That's when I stopped. I guess there are some similarities. The cross is a symbol of death too. But a very different kind of death. The swastika symbolizes one man's vision of perfection. The cross symbolizes perfection in Christ. The swastika is a symbol of killing others who are different than you. The cross is a symbol of one Man (different than us because He was sinless) dying for you. Of course, Christians did (and I'm sure still do) kill for their belief. But that's not what Christ wanted. Imperfect people - sinners - kill in the name of Christ. But Christ did not want that. Christ came in love and peace. He died so that we don't have to. I guess the cross and the swastika have some similarities, but they aren't the same thing at all.

Restless

I want to write, but just can't. I even tried to write an "I have this friend" so that I could write more freely, but it's not working. I've been feeling restless the past few days. I think part of it is that I can't write it all out. I'll stick to some safe topics for now.

Family camp is in just 2 more weeks. Elyssa and I can't wait! I'm hoping to develop some deeper relationships with people from my church.

Speaking of Elyssa, she's hardly been at her dad's this summer. He is always working, so even when she is there, she never gets to see him. Elyssa told me they even had people over on Father's Day. They had a Father's Day party! So you know she played with the kids that were there and didn't spend any time with her dad. I wish I could make him understand that he is wasting so much time right now. I appreciate the fact that times are tough and that they may need the extra money. But I wish he could understand that all those material things he's working so hard to pay for won't help him in his relationship with his daughter. It really makes me sad.

This is another reason I'm looking forward to family camp. If we could meet some godly families and if the men could love on Elyssa so she knows what that looks like. . . I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I can't wait to see her playing with the dads at family camp. It makes me sad - she should have grown up in an environment where I get to see her playing with a dad every day! But that's just a consequence of some of the choices I made in life. Thankfully God can still make good out of it.

I wouldn't mind some of that attention myself. Not the kind of attention you may first think of - these are all married guys. There are not very many singles going to family camp. And I love that. I need to learn how to be around men and learning with godly men seems to be the best way. Godly men are a different breed - very foreign to me. I don't know how to build regular friendly relationships with men.

In the past I've been very single-minded: is he cute? is he married? does he like me? All this is going on in my head from a distance, because you know I'll never go talk to someone! And if anyone would look at me - augh! I look away so fast. I've even set goals in the car: I will smile at 4 men between home and wherever I'm going. Isn't that dorky? We're driving along in our own little bubbles of social safety and I still feel uncomfortable! It's the car! I don't know these people! I can speed up and drive away from them! The smiling I can do OK, but I don't hold eye contact. So this week at family camp will be a learning experience for me. At least I hope it will. I will know 2 people there - hopefully I will branch out a little. I've already been jokingly told that my 2 friends are going to shun me in order to force me to meet other people - hopefully they are totally kidding.

Look at that - I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to get out and it's not awkward or too embarrassing at all. Big sigh of relief. I feel very stifiled if I can't write what I want to write. Hopefully the restless feelings will go away now.

Late Thoughts

I found a verse in Proverbs that stings a little. Someone recently reminded me that often, when something stings, it just might be Truth.

Proverbs 18:1
Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

Not sure I want to comment on that verse at this point, but wanted to be honest that I found it.

And I've got other things to say, but am finding it hard to write about certain things right now. I'm not good at being vague. And I'm hesitant to be totally open because . . . well, it's scary. How's that? I'm treading new waters and learning new skills and it's weird. It's a good weird, but still weird. Ha.

Avoidance

I'm here at church, up in the booth, listening to people chatting after church. I wish I belonged like that. I wish I had people to talk to. But I hide up here all alone. It's pathetic.

I avoid people. I know I do it, but can't seem to break the cycle. It's depressing. It's so ingrained - I don't know how to change.

When I was parking my car, I found a spot away from people. I actually had the thought, "if I park here I won't have to talk to the parking people." And all that would have required was a smile and hello. Difficult, right? I will wait until the lobby clears before going to the restroom because I'm afraid everyone out there will look at me and who knows what they are thinking.

I did it last night at my soccer game too. I'd come off the field and go way down to the end away from people. I'm not sure what exactly is my reasoning. I guess deep down, I don't think people would care about me. So then I probably come across snobby.

I can stand in front of 500 children and not feel threatened at all. But peers? Forget it.

I'm jealous of the ease others seem to have. It sucks. And what will I do after working this service? Go home and watch a movie by myself.

I wish I believed the promises of God a little better.

Control/Trust

I had dinner with 2 friends tonight. It refreshes my soul to be around godly women, especially after hearing so much from the world about how life is supposed to work itself out. What a difference! Matt made the comment last Sunday about how God's economy is flipped upside down to the world's economy. Everything God is opposite of everything in the world. Sometimes I think I can have it both ways. I somehow keep trying to make God's way fit with the world's way. It's not working out for me very well. It's helpful to put it all back in perspective again.

I mentioned not wanting to mess up whatever path God has me on now. I want to do things God's way and not my way. Luci mentioned a verse about "thwarting" so when I got home I looked it up. I found Job 42:2 "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." What a great promise! God is in control. Nothing I do can mess up anything that God has planned. On the flip side, nothing I do can make things happen if they aren't God's plan. I found Isaiah 14:27 too. "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" If I will simply trust Him.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

I obsess at times about taking Bible verses out of context. That's a good thing, in a way, but a bad thing too because sometimes I don't belive God's promises are really written for me. They were written for whoever long ago, but not to me. I found Habakkuk 2:3-4.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.

So I was thinking, whatever the vision is, it is going to happen at the time God wants it to happen. It may seem slow, but it's God's plan - He knows the best time for things to happen. And the guy's soul that is puffed up - he's a guy who thinks he knows what's best - full of pride - it's not going to work out for him. But the righteous one, the one who is trusting in God, the vision is going to work out for him somehow, when God is ready for it to work out. He's living by faith and is going to accept God's plan for his life.

Then I was thinking - what if I'm making all that up and that's not what Habakkuk meant at all? So I looked in the notes and was pleasently surprised. "While the phrase, 'his soul is puffed up' refers primarily to Babylon in this context, it could include anyone who is proud. It will take faith to wait patiently for God's plan to unfold, but the rigtheous believe that God will accomplish it."

Then I wondered if God's plan only refers to Christ and how He justifies and sanctifies us - you know The Big Picture. Can the plan/vision be something on a smaller scale such as what job to take or when to start a family or any other desire of your heart? See, sometimes, (oh who am I kidding?) often times, I want to make God the God of the big things in life. Surely He can't be concerned with the little things. That's me sticking God up on the top of the mountain. He's got whole galaxies to keep spinning. I forget to make Him the God of all things, big and small. So maybe the plan/vision that Habakkuk is referring to could be some of the smaller scale items.

I think I'm rambling and not sure if any of it is making sense. I'm just saying that I want to be one of the righteous who will wait patiently for God's plan to unfold - whatever that plan is, if it's God's plan, then it is just right for me.

Jeremiah 29

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

I just needed this. It goes with my last post. It's verse 13 that's the kicker. Most people know verse 11, but it's 13 that makes me stop and think.

Set on the Spirit

I just got back from church. Matt spoke such truth today - it really stirred my thinking. I can't even summarize what he said. It was one of those sermons that where it was difficult to take notes because there was too much being said - I couldn't miss any of it. I need to listen to it again or talk about it with someone who heard it too. He attacked Bible-belt religion which always shakes me to the core since that is what I grew up hearing. A lot of the truths that I thought were truths are in actuality only partially true. And partially true may be worse than flat-out lies.

Matt was teaching from Luke 18 - the story of the rich young ruler. After Jesus spoke to the young ruler, the people were like - well, how the heck can we be saved then? I love the simplicity and greatness of Jesus' answer, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Thank God He can do the impossible.

Then Matt moved to keeping our mind set on the Spirit. He took us to Romans 8.

5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Is my mind set on the Spirit? Can my mind be set on the Spirit and also be interested in very earthly things? How does a girl set her mind on the Spirit but at the same time have other thoughts going on up there? Can the two things go on at the same time? Can I still want the other thing while at the same time strive to let Jesus be the center? Can I let Him be in charge of every facet of my life, but at the same time plead with Him about the things I want? I talk to God often during the day, opening up my hands around my desire while I'm also asking Him for that same exact desire.

Ugh. It's confusing in my head and it's not any better typed out. I'm not even sure why I'm writing.

Thank God He can do the impossible.

Not Right Now

I've thought a lot today about the fact that what I want and what God seems to want aren't exactly the same thing. I wish I could say that I'm totally comfortable with that and concede to God's greatness. But I'm still arguing with Him. And it's not that I feel like God doesn't want this thing for me ever - He just seems to be saying a lot of "not right now." Maybe if He'd just tell me flat out, then it wouldn't be so hard. You know, rip the band-aid off and let it sting for a second. Not right now is hard. It's got enough of a yes to give a person hope, but enough of a no to make a person want to scheme and plan. It's been not right now for years! And as I write that, I think of Sarah and Abraham. They had a not right now for way more years than me. They schemed and planned and really screwed up. So scheming and planning is a big no.

As I spoke of this with a good friend, she said maybe I needed to repent for not trusting God very much. Ouch! It's true, though. Another friend told me, "this could be just another example, set in front of you by God, to show you what is out there." My question is, how many examples do I have to see? Quite a few, it seems.

I was reading a blog by our music pastors called Sound Doctrine. In it, Michael says, "The Creator, in their hearts, is moved from the center and becomes merely peripheral. Only when there is great desperation will there be a call for help. As long as they remain in the center of their own world though, they will fail to acknowledge their depravity and His marvelous mercy and grace in sending His Son as a propitiatory sacrifice." Creator moved from the center? I'd have to say yes just a little bit. Remember when I wrote about having Jesus in my living room, watching CSI? I'm doing it again.

Anyway, I don't have any answers for myself. I don't have any big "ah-ha!" to write about. I do know that I don't want cheap and meaningless, so I guess that's why there isn't any. No matter how much the world says cheap and meaningless is fun, I'm just not interested. But I'm kind of tired of hearing from the world, you know? I know how to help quiet the world - so I'm off to search for Him and hear what He has to say to me.

(It's funny - this is an attempt to write about something without really saying much. I don't think it worked.)

Define Yourself

So, when someone asks you to tell them a little bit about yourself, what do you say?

Pastor Matt's sermon tonight was about Luke 18:15-17 where the disciples were rebuking people for bringing small children to Him. He told them that whoever doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Then Matt went on to explain how we do that. He started with the opposite of his topic by explaining what kind of people we are when we are apart from Christ. We're slaves to sin (Rom6:20), blind to the glory of the gospel (2 Cor 4:4), walking in darkness (Ps 82:5), dead in our transgressions (Eph 2:1) and can do nothing to fix it (John 15:5). He gave the example of a newborn and how they cry out for all their needs. That's what we're supposed to do.

Then Matt goes on to say how children are defined by their parents. That means that children are protected, provided for and saved by their parents. As Christians we are defined by Christ. We take lots of other stuff and try to define ourselves by it. I started listing some of the examples Matt gave:

My career does not define me.
My things do not define me.
Money does not define me.

I didn't have really any problem with any of those because truly, they don't define me. I don't care so much about money or things. (I mean, of course I like having them, but they've never been that important to me. Money and things do not give me happiness. Did you ever do that 5 love languages thing? Bottom of my list is gifts. I think this comes a little bit from my parents because they would give me so much like they were rewarding me since my brother was so screwed up. I don't feel loved just because you give me something. Anyway - I'm getting off topic. I do that a lot - have you noticed?)

I'm sure this has happened to you. You're sitting through a service, really enjoying it. The things being said make a lot of sense to you, but nothing is making a deep impact. Then POW, a sentence hits you between the eyes. Matt's next example was:

My relationships don't define me.

What a second. That one was a little harder to write down. It made me pause for a second. I think I do have some issues with that one . I then wrote below it:

My singleness doesn't define me.
My divorce doesn't define me.

When I'm asked to describe myself, I say that I'm a single mom who has been divorced for a little over 5 years. Is that what defines me? The fact that I'm divorced and single? No!

God help me to turn that definition around. Christ defines me. That's it. He alone.

Tron at Subway

I did something tonight that I have never done before. I bought a homeless guy dinner.

I worked really late at school to get a lot of end of year junk finished. I decided to stop at Subway on the way home. There's this homeless guy who pushes his grocery cart around the shopping center near my house. I've seen him often - Elyssa and I have discussed him before. His cart was in front of Subway and he was sitting farther away. As I about to get out of my car, I just had the feeling that I should buy him dinner. After the thought crept in (while I was checking email on my phone by the way) I kind of shrugged and figured that was a weird out of the blue thought.

But the feeling got stronger as I walked inside. If you've ever had that nudge from God before, then you know what I mean. Anyway, I argued a bit: "Um, God? It's dark outside. I've never done that before. What would I say to him? I have no idea what kind of sandwich he'd want. What if he doesn't like Subway?" So I made God a deal - isn't that funny? I said I'll buy the sandwich, and if the guy is still out there then I'll give it to him. If he's not, then no harm, I'd take the extra sandwich home.

I decided on a foot long turkey with everything, chips and a bottle of water. I pretty much got the same thing except mine was a six inch with only lettuce, mayo and cucumbers. Just in case you were interested.

I walked out of Subway and his cart was no longer there. I was like, "Whew!" But he'd just moved it a bit. So I unlocked my car and put my food inside and walked over to him. I told him I just thought he might be hungry so I wanted to give him this. He said, "Wow. Are you serious?" and then proceeded to ask me if I'd help him share the message of God because He's coming down soon and going to destroy the world and I need to read Revelation 21 and he asked me to be a warrior/bodyguard for him because he was in some program where God was going to give him 10 million dollars if he could get enough bodyguards. I told him I just wasn't interested in any of that. I told him that I felt like Jesus wanted me to give him dinner and that was all I was asked to do. He asked me my name and told me his name was Tron. We shook hands, I told him to enjoy and then I went back to my car.

It was very interesting. And I feel like I was obedient. Cool, huh? Elyssa and I talked last summer about going to help at a homeless shelter. I think we will make more of an effort to do that this summer. She keeps telling me she wants to go on a mission trip. We can start here in Dallas.

And maybe we'll buy Tron dinner again.

Home Group

My home group meeting tonight gave me such hope that real true community is out there. After my old home group fell apart, I was feeling rather lost. I didn't know if I'd find another one. Ha. I just assumed that I couldn't find another one. I've only met with these ladies for a few weeks. We are all different ages and I think that's wonderful! There was laughter tonight, there was a huge confession of sin, there were tears and there was love. It was amazing. The bravery of one girl to confess a sin to a room full of people - it blew me away. I got tears because it was community. It was what Pastor Matt talks about all the time. It was amazing and I'm so thankful for being able to share it.

On a side note, I'm praying right now that God guards my heart but at the same time that He opens it. Is that weird? I want peace and contentment, but I don't want to shut down as I am known to do. I have some protective walls that I have built around my heart and they are prepped and ready to slam. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I want to say! I don't want anyone to read between the lines and assume they know what I'm saying, because it's not what you may be thinking. Light bulb just went off! Maybe that's why I'm so blunt in my writing. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm saying. If I'm blunt then I can say exactly what I mean and there can be no wrong ideas. Hmmm. Interesting.

Being married has always been my desire. When I was a little girl, I planned on being a teacher, a wife and a mommy. So marriage has become an idol to me that I've worked with God on letting go. But somehow along the way I forgot how to be friends with guys. I've assumed that no one is sincere, that everyone plays some kind of games and there is very little realness out there. And I've never had the experience of having godly men as friends. And I'd assume that godly men are sincere, don't play games and are very real. I want godly men in my life. I've written about that before. But I don't know if I know how to do that. And when I don't know how to do something, I get fearful. (I'm sure that goes along with my "I'm not good enough" crap. If I can't be perfect then I'm afraid.)

How can God take one thing and use it in so many ways to teach so many lessons! (Very rhetorical question.)

So my fear is that somehow I'll screw it all up. That's why I'm praying for a guarded open heart. Guarded that I don't go down a path that is not really there. Open that I'll go down the path that is before me. Does that make sense?

Connect the Dots - La, La, La-la

Did you watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse? He used to sing that - Connect the dots. La la la-la. (How on earth do I start a spiritual post with Pee Wee Herman?!)

God has connected some dots for me in the last day or two. I like it when He does that.

First I'm reading a book that a friend gave me. I refuse to give you the title because I hate even admitting that I'm reading a book like this. Before you think it's like a Harlequin romance or anything (do they even make those any more? do people really read them?), it's a Christan book for single ladies. I will NOT write the title because honestly, it's embarrassing. Debbie actually gave this book to me months ago, but I don't want to read books like this. (Hmmm - do you sense the same pride issue that I'm sensing?) Due to some recent circumstances, I decided to pick it up and just see what it was about. I'm going to copy part of it here (and if the copyright police are watching, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to write the title!) The beginning of the book is about having intimacy with Jesus.

When Jesus knocked on the door of your heart and you let Him in, did you assign Him a seat in your living room and leave Him there? He wants the two of you to be so close that He can freely roam around and make Himself at home in your private world. But He also respects your space; He is not going to move off that couch until you ask.
How's your conversation with Jesus? Is it an even exchange or is it boring, formal, impersonal, and one-sided? Jesus wants to sit on the floor, share popcorn, and discuss your day. He wants to talk about what you like and don't like, what makes you laugh, cry, or sigh.

There's more of course, but the teacher in me (cite your sources!) won't let me copy any more without . . . citing my source. And I refuse! (If anyone asks, I do not read books for single women. I just don't. So there!)

Now back to my point - can't you just see Jesus on the floor with you eating a snack and asking about your day? Does that stir anything in your heart? It sure does in mine. The thing is - Jesus doesn't want to be in just one part of our heart. He wants it all. And the scary thing is that it may hurt a little because He's going to clean house and tear down walls and let in lots of light so nothing bad can hide in there.

Which brings me to dot number two. I'm reading my Bible again! Isn't that amazing? (I know life works better when I read the Bible, but I continue to not make time! Ugh!) I was reading 1 Corinthians 3:16 which says, "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"

Dot number three. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Then tonight came dot number four. Galatians 5:17 "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do."

And dot number five. Galatians 6:8-9 "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

So now you want me to connect all the dots for you, right? Or at least show you how they connected for me. I'm tired and have to sleep so I'll attempt to keep it brief. (We all know how well that works for me, right?)

Jesus is in my heart just cleaning house. I've gotten lazy with the status quo. I think I relegated Jesus to the living room, thinking He could watch CSI and hang out. But He's not there to watch CSI. He wants to be with me. He wants my attention. He wants intimacy with me! He's knocking down walls and pointing out things I'd rather just forget. I've tried to keep Him out of certain closets and bathrooms, but He's very adamant that He goes in there. But since I am His temple, I kind of want Him to do whatever He thinks is best. And sometimes what is best is for things to come out in the open, even if they are embarrassing. (I'm still not sure I agree with that. I wasn't trying to get anything out in the open. I honestly was quite happy with things being the opposite of out in the open.) But it's just a momentary affliction (although momentary can seem to last a long long time!) and it's preparing me (somehow!) for eternal glory. And maybe, just maybe, I should get my mind off the worldly things I can see and put my mind on the unseen things. Those unseen things are eternal! But it's a battle because the desires of my flesh are at war with the desires of the Spirit. But I need to not grow weary of doing good. Sometimes I want to stop being the good girl. I want to just have fun. But I can't grow weary of doing good because I can't give up. I want to reap eternal life from the Spirit, not corruption from the flesh.

There. It's what God is telling me right now. Imagine all the wonderful things I could learn if I'd make time for Him every day!

What To Do?

So when I write, do I pretend I don't think anyone is reading? You know, be an ostrich? If I can't see anyone, then no one is really there. How do I balance spilling my guts like I usually do and not saying too much?

Maybe one suggestion is to have a private blog. I have a journal - funnily enough, this is not the place I really spill my guts. (Can you imagine reading that one!?)

Do I change how I write because people are reading? I've asked this before I think. I know there are some of you who write without really telling the details. I'm not sure how to do that. Should I learn how or just keep writing? Ugh. It's confusing.

The thing is - my deepest desire is to be fully known by others. So, I think that means I just keep writing. If I get embarrassed, then so be it. Right?

Twitter - Facebook Phenomenon

I read other people's blogs and I wonder why I don't write anymore. Why don't I write anymore? I know it's a time issue - I don't make the time to do it. But it may be because I find myself struggling with the same issues over and over and I think you must be sick of hearing about it by now. I don't write when things are going fine. I have to have some angst within me or it just doesn't flow. So yeah, there's stuff going on right now - mostly my impatience and how men I am attracted to won't do what I want - but this post is nothing about that. :-)

Anyway - I had a thought. Maybe you've already had this thought. Maybe this is something that everyone already knows. But I've never heard anyone say it. So here goes - I've figured out exactly why updating our status has become such a huge deal.

People want intimacy.

We, as God intended and created us to be, want to KNOW and BE KNOWN. It's not easy to put yourself out there. It takes some bravery to let people know what you're thinking or wanting. It's hard to put dreams out there for the world to see because who knows how those will be received.

But on Facebook/Twitter, we can throw something out there and see how it lands. I know that I have put cryptic messages to people on my status, hoping and pleading that they (OK - he) will read between the lines. You know how excited you get when someone comments on your status, right? And if it starts a flurry of responses - that's just awesome! It makes you feel good. It makes you feel loved. Am I right? Or is that just me?

I love the TV show My Boys. The one from this week was all based on Facebook. It was hysterical. PJ (the girl who narrates) did end up saying that virtual friends are good, but real friends are better. I agree.

Do we think updating our status online will create true intimacy? I think it would be easy to fall into that trap. But hopefully we won't get stuck there. I want to continue to take risks out there in the scary real world. I want to open up to real people. I want to be brave and let others know what I'm thinking.

On a side note, I just have to say that waiting on a guy to do something is insane. They just don't get it! (No offense to any male readers!) I want to go back to 5th grade and ask a friend to ask him if he likes me. Wasn't that much simpler? Ugh! I could write a note and fold it into the shape of an arrow or that other fun fold that I can't even begin to describe. (Remember those? It was rectangular and had a little flap that stuck down inside. Random. I wonder if kids still fold notes that way.) Anyway, waiting stinks. I immediately go to the bad place that says it's me, I'm unlikeable, blah blah blah. But I am likeable, so what the heck? I just want to ask a guy what he is thinking. Guys don't put cryptic messages on their Facebook for me to analyze, darn it! I just wish it could be simpler, you know?

I'm totally off topic now, so I better end this and go update my status on Facebook.

Patience

I don't have any. Just thought I'd let you know.

Gloom and Doom

Gloom and doom. Gloom and Doom. I've been crying off and on all evening. What is it with the Sunday night blues?

God help me. I written and erased two or three different paragraphs. I have nothing to say. Except -

gloom and doom. gloom and doom.

I don't like Sunday nights. I think they are even worse than Monday mornings.

I Need Sunshine!

It's been too gloomy for too long. I need some sunshine. Could that be my problem? I've been very prone to crying the last few days. When will the sun come out again?

God is Cool

Maybe God doesn't want be referred to as cool, I'm not sure. But - God is cool!

Short story - I'm not sure how to be cryptic and I maybe kind of need to be. . . don't know. I'm not good at just referring to "something" that's going on and talk around it. I kind of have to just say it. But what if my words mess up something? And as I write that, I realize how stupid that is. If something is going to happen or not going to happen, I think God probably is in control of the situation. I'm doing my best to let Him handle this one.

OK - fine. I'll say it. It makes the story better anyway. (I said this was short and I'm turning it into one of my novels.)

Nope - can't do it. I just wrote and erased a big paragraph because as I was writing, "I'm letting God handle this one and not doing any of my usual scheming and planning," I realized in a way I wasn't letting God be in charge. What if someone new was reading this and realized the writing sounded very familiar? You know? Not that anyone new is going to read, but you just never know.

OK - so I'm being cryptic. Ugh. I don't like being cryptic! OK - short version - I was thinking about something as I was getting into my car. The first song on my iPod was a song by Jeremy Camp. The first line of lyrics that I heard was, "I will trust in You." It just made me smile. God was just telling me to continue letting Him be in charge of it all.

It was cool.

But I don't like writing in circles. Just so you know. But I'm going to let God be in charge. :-)

Phone Blog

Can I really blog from my phone?

~Erin
Sent from my iPhone

God is Good

Wow. I wrote that previous post before church and then was slammed multiple times by God on the way and during church. Awesome!

First was the Casting Crowns song Who Am I. There I am listening to the world, feeling lonely and unloved. In case you don't know the song:

Verse 1
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Verse 2
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Who am I? I am loved by God and He's all I need, all I will ever need. Then it was their song Voice of Truth. Which voice am I going to listen to?

Chorus
But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
the Voice of Truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of Truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Then Matt's sermon was fantastic! First of all he starts with a huge Star Wars reference which just about made my day. He summarized all of Empire Strikes Back and talks about how it is the good guys getting beat up though out the entire movie and then the movie just ends. He said that's how his sermon was going to be today. I loved it. His little summary in 5 minutes was brilliant. But even more brilliant was the sermon. It was about our total depravity.

We sin and never really feel the magnitude of it. He gave reasons why - we never make it personal. We feel like we are basically good people - we can always find someone who is less moral than ourselves. So we never really feel the weight of our sin pressing on us.

He referred to what CS Lewis called the intimate dance of community between the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I'm not familiar with where this comes from, so forgive me if I butchered it. We are invited to be part of that Great Dance with the Trinity. We are invited to be in a deep personal relationship with our Savior. If that relationship is not primary in our lives, then all our other relationships suffer because of it. I've slacked off in making God first. He is enough for me. When I love Him first and most, then everything else works.

My singleness is God's plan for me. It is where He has me right now. And it's for His glory. I don't know how it's for His glory and I may never know. I may be single for the rest of my life - or (I pray for this) the right man for me will come along. But whatever it is, it is for His glory. Why do I forget that?

So my loneliness - the best way to remedy that would be to seek Him first and most.

Lonely Again

Hello? Is there anyone out there? I've neglected you for so long, you may have left me forever. I can totally understand, but hope you still check back occassionaly.

I IM'd with an old friend from college last night. We reconnected on Facebook. We dated for awhile back in 1989-90, but I couldn't remember why we broke up. I felt somewhat weird talking to him - knowing that he's married now. But I had to ask! He said we broke up because I was stubborn. Stubborn? About what? He said I had standards. Ha. That was his nice way of saying I wouldn't sleep with him. I don't remember that at all! He said I probably just got sick of telling him no so we drifted apart. He said he's always respected that about me and has always remembered me fondly. I just think that's hilarious.

But it also got me thinking. I've said no all my life. I really have. I know why and I know it's right but . . . I don't even know what to say. There's no logical "but" to that. I know it was good to say no. I know I saved myself a lot of heartache. I know I was doing what God wants us to do. But . . . .

I've watched too many romances and seen too many images in the last few days - um, have you seen Hugh Jackman in Australia? The scene near the beginning where he's washing off in the middle of the outback? Wowza! It was one of those pause and rewind and pause and rewind kind of scenes. OK - sorry - getting off track. Then there is Hot Dad at school. I've got the bigest crush on him! Then there is the other hot dad from 2 years ago that I just can't seem to shake. My mind must just be in the gutter. But after talking to John last night - I'm lonely again. There - it's said. I'm lonely. I want somone. I'm tempted to take matters in my own hands. But fortunately not brave enough to do that.

I'm going to get ready for church. Maybe it will help. I'm tired of the loneliness.

Pictures this weekend!

I'm so excited that Amy will be taking pictures of Elyssa and me this weekend! I've known Amy through the blog-world for over 2 years now. We've never met, but consider each other friends.

Please check out her website - her pictures are beautiful!

Amy Calderon Photography

Nothing to Say

I never write anymore.

Maybe I can only write when I'm in pain. (Life's flying by - no problems - no worries.)

Maybe I'm hiding. (I think this is huge!)

Maybe I'm letting life be too filled up with stuff. (This is huge too!)

My counselor is in Germany for 3 months. I miss her.

My home group is no more. I miss them. (I have tried out a new one - once.)

I'm standing outside again - I want connection. But I withdraw or I don't know how to . . . what's the opposite of withdraw? Indraw? Withoutdraw? Nonwithdraw? (I like to make up words. Elyssa's teacher told me that Elyssa makes up words in class too - sound effects and just weird stuff. My daughter is so cool. She's at her dad's. I miss her too.)

I need a topic. I want to go to seminary. Is that weird? I don't have time to go to seminary. I don't want to be a pastor or anything. I just want a class like structure where I can learn the history of the Bible and how it all plays out. I want to know theology. I want to be surrounded by brainiacs who love Jesus. I'm not a brainiac though, so I'm not sure where that's coming from. (I've been watching a lot of CSI and I also want to be a CSI. Something about the smartness of the men - I'm very attracted to intelligence. But he's got to be funny too. And he must love Jesus more than anything. He's worth waiting for - if he's out there for me.)

I want my own brainiac who loves Jesus. I watched an interview with my pastor and he looks after his wife spiritually. Like he guages how she is and engages her into a deeper relationship with Jesus. No one has ever looked out for me like that and it resonated within me. And I'm guessing I'm supposed to be doing that for Elyssa and I worry that I'm not doing a good enough job. I wish she had a father who did that for her. I worry that she's going to be searching as I am.

Look at that - I did have something to say after all. Well, sort of anyway. It's kind of a ramble. Maybe I'll be back later tonight. The leader of the home group that I tried out suggested writing about what stirs our affections for Jesus. I've written on that topic before. Maybe I need to do it again. Jesus is my brainiac. A new song was sung this weekend at church and it talked about leaning against Jesus' chest and hearing His heart beat. I wish He'd just come back. Funny how I never understood why people would say that. I get it now.

I'm rambling again.

Mind Games

I need help. I have horrible self talk. Horrible. I say horrible mean things to myself that I would NEVER say to any other human. I lost weight. I put on muscle. I felt great! Then came the appendix and the knee. I've put on weight. I've lost muscle. I feel horrible.

I struggle so much with liking myself. I know all the answers, but maybe I still don't believe them? Why do I let Satan get in my mind like that? Why do I let him use me that way? He knows what works and I know he knows, but I still let him whisper in my ear.

Please pray for me. Pray that I'll lean on God. Pray that I'll stop trying to fight this battle alone, because I'm still trying to be super woman. Pray that my pride will lessen and that my confidence as a child of God will soar.

I am not what Satan says I am. I am a warrior for Christ and though Him I can do all things.

Do any of you have horrible self talk? What's been your best weapon against that?

No Time

I'm doing it again. No time to write - or at least I'm not making time to write. I'm not making time for anything. That's why I feel so down in spirit, you know?

It's almost 11 pm, my daughter is still not in bed, I'm not in bed, I haven't made lunch, her bag isn't packed, I didn't exercise today and blah blah blah. Ugh.

Today I have been divorced for 5 years. FIVE YEARS! How can that even be possible?

Cute Backgrounds!

I love it when I stumble across free awesomely cute backgrounds! Fun!

And I should be in bed. I'm counting way too much on us not having school tomorrow. Watch us have a regular day. That'll stink!

Confusion

How is it that people get divorced and within weeks (OK maybe months) they are engaged again? It's not even people I really know - just random "friends" on facebook.

I haven't even really dated and it's been 5 years! How do you not fall into the trap of there must be something wrong with me? Not that I'm really falling into that trap but I could see myself going there. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Blech. It just sucks and that's all there is to it. And it makes me just a little bit angry which is probably wrong but it is what it is.

poop.

Bible Study

My problem with Bible study is that I don't want to do something like a Beth Moore study - no offense to Beth. I'm sure they're awesome. I just want to do a Bible study. But I just don't feel like I know how. I was telling my counselor (who I finally got to see again last Saturday - long story - more later) that what turns me on the most is having a bunch of books spread out on a big table and a big spiral for me to take notes in and an outlet for sharing what I learned. I want to know the history behind what's going on and what words mean and why they were chosen and how it connects to other things in the Bible. Honestly, I should go into seminary because I think I'd love it. Not that I want to be a preacher - I just want to take the classes. But that's not something I see in my immediate future. Although, the dad that I was talking to yesterday told me about a class called "Precepts" which I think my church is offering or has offered or something. I need to look for that. And my counselor suggested me finding a class to take in a college - maybe even at seminary. Hmmmm. But now I'm off topic. . . .

The dad told me about a book and I bought it today and I am fired up about reading it! It's called How to Read the Bible for All Its Worth by Fee and Stuart. I've read the first section or so and it makes so much sense! Lucky you (you can read that with or without sarcasm - your choice!) I'm going to share some of what I learned. I was reading and taking notes and rereading and summarizing. It was great fun for me! After an hour, I kind of felt funny because I hadn't read the Bible at all - but I think this book is going to help me read the Bible better, so it's worth it.

First of all, there are two words that you need to know. Exegesis means finding what the biblical text originally meant (then and there). Hermeneutics means hearing the same meaning in the different context of today (here and now). The goal of Bible study should be to do both well. (Now I'm going to seem to go off task but it winds itself back to these two things, so keep reading.)

We must interpret what we are reading. The purpose is to get at plain meaning. The authors say that usually when someone finds a unique meaning, they are often wrong. We should not dive in trying to find something unique - that really points to pride. "Correct interpretation, therefore, brings relief to the mind as well as a prick or prod to the heart." (18) There were some great examples of other religions who find "plain meaning" in parts of the Bible that support their kooky ideas, but I'm not getting into that part right now.

One cool thing was the description of the duality of the Bible - it is, at the same time, both human and divine. It is God's word, but it is written by human hands in human words. God chose to deliver His word this way for a reason. I'd never really thought about the why of that. ". . . He chose to speak His eternal truths within the particular circumstances and events of human history." (22) This should give us hope. Since He chose to speak to us in the context of human history, we can believe that the same words will speak to us right now in our history. He also chose to use every available type of human communication - all types of genres: laws, genealogies, historical narrative, poetry, riddles, prophecies, drama, parables, letters, sermons. . . everything you can think of. We need to know the special rules that apply to each type of genre so that we can best understand what He is trying to tell us. I knew the Bible was made up of all those different types of writings, but never ever thought of why God did it that way. It makes perfect sense. He had a reason for throwing all that together. That's greatness! I know it's kind of 'duh,' but it's like a light bulb went off. Funny how you can know something but not really know.

Since He shared His Word with real people, He had to use events and language that they would understand. "God's Word to us is first of all His Word to them." (23) We are far removed from that time. That's why we need to learn to interpret the Bible. Before we can learn why it is important for us, we must first know why it was important to them.

So first we have to know the then and there meaning (exegesis). Then we must learn to hear the same Word here and now (hermeneutics).

It's cool! It's deep! It's real Bible reading. I'm very excited. I'll probably be writing about this some more, so I hope it's somewhat interesting to you.

Double Conference

I had a conference with a parent today about his child. The student is struggling in school a bit so we were just going over strategies. This conference was about 20 minutes long.

Then I had a conference with this same parent for about 30 minutes about his field of study. He's in seminary. We talked about Bible study and how I don't do it very well and he was giving me some ideas and is going to write down some commentaries and books that I should get. I was explaining how I don't want to do a Beth Moore study - I want to do a Bible study. But I wasn't very good at it. I didn't have the right tools. It was great! I told him I was sorry I took up so much of his time, but that I really enjoyed our talk. He laughed and said that was his area of expertise. I'd already shared my expertise so it was his turn.

I really enjoy talking to this parent - he and his wife are awesome! I just think it's cool how in a public school where we're not supposed to talk about God, an almost-pastor and I can discuss God's great writing and how to best learn it.

Stupid Body Image Thoughts

It seems so cliche to write about my struggles with body image. I mean, seriously, who really wants to read that? But maybe you feel the same way or you have in the past and you can give me encouragement. Isn't that really what my blog is all about? Me laying out my crap and you telling me something - good or bad. It's hard for me to write about this because this is the ugly side of my heart and if I show you the ugly side, will you still like me? That's the "I'm not worth it" issue working itself up and out. I have to earn your love, right? I must have to earn God's love too. (I know that's not true - it's just deeply ingrained in my heart and I'd rather do other stuff than look at it too closely.)

Is it just me or do you ever get that hopeless feeling that it's all pointless and why does it matter? It being eating right and exercising. I get stuck there so fast. I can never celebrate the great things I've done. I lost about 30 pounds. I added about 10 pounds of muscle. That's greatness. I can only focus on the 10 pounds I've put back on since my knee surgery. I can only focus on the fact that I have no leg muscles anymore - especially in my left leg. Clothes don't fit right. I'm not happy. It immediately goes into - I don't like myself. Then it goes deeper into - I will never get where I want, there is no finish line, I can't do it so why try, I will be gross my whole life and no one will ever find me attractive. . . and on and on. It sucks.

What sucks the most is that I KNOW it's the way Satan wins. You may think I'm crazy but I really believe this. Satan finds that one thing that will hold you down and put in you the pit so that you aren't doing it what you can for God. Body image is how he does that for me. It puts me in a funk and I don't like myself. If I don't like myself, how on earth can I show God's love to other people? I can't even show God's love to myself!!

I ate wonderfully today. I'm writing all my food down again. I drank more water than usual. I did the treadmill for 30 minutes and then did weights for about 30 minutes. I did great things today! But because I don't see an instant result, I don't like myself. It's so pathetic. My knee surgery was in October. It's January. It took me about 2 months to put on 10 pounds. It didn't happen overnight so why would it go away overnight? But in my head I am totally the defeatist - it will never happen, I will be gross my whole life, why bother even trying? Everyone can tell me over and over that I'm beautiful, but I just don't believe it. It's like I CAN'T believe it. As I was (somewhat frantically) trying on clothes tonight to find something to wear tomorrow, I was not very positive about myself. I don't want my daughter to hear that! And she was so sweet trying to tell me that everything looked really great. I told her to stop telling me that. I told my daughter to stop telling me I was beautiful. What the crap? That's HORRIBLE! But in my head, the little voice was saying, "She's your daughter. She HAS to think you are beautiful. It doesn't really mean anything." I'll do the same with you - "That person is your friend. They HAVE to say you are beautiful. They don't really think you are. They are just being nice." AUGH!

There is too much going on in my head. Look at that verse up above. Funny how God led me to that verse a week or so ago. Isn't it appropriate? Not that I can be still and God will miraculously fix me. But He will fight for me. Why won't I let Him fight for me? Why am I always the tough girl who will do it all by myself? When does that change? Does it ever change?

Pastor Matt's sermon last week and this week totally hit on this very subject - not body image, but just the battle in our minds and hearts. I will go through my notes and tell you what I learned next time.

Sleep would probably be good for me right about now.

Biking Plans Killed by Flat Tire

Yeah - thought I'd go for a quick ride before getting ready for church.

Stupid tire.

2009

I can't believe it's another year. I know everyone says that, but where is the time going? You know what's the funny/dorky/dumb thing that is on my mind? In February it will be 5 years that I've been divorced. FIVE YEARS! What a waste of time to be thinking/worrying/wondering about that. Ugh.

I'm so tired. But not sleepy.

New year means new goals and wondering about the previous year. Did I accomplish what I set out to accomplish? I think I made progress, but I wish I had made more. I'm going to have to go back and read last January's thoughts and see.

My immediate goals? To write more. I think I've stopped that because I've worried too much about saying something that will annoy/aggravate/piss off a reader. (And I'm wondering where all my slash marks are coming from?) Carlotta wrote about that recently as well - worrying about people - not slash marks. It's funny - why we worry about what others will think. They don't have to read - they chose to read. We should not worry about them!

I want to meet Carlotta and Amy. It's time. It's past time. It's waaaaay past time. :-)

I want to become a bike rider. How do you do that? Since I had knee surgery in October, I've put on some of the weight I'd lost. I'm not too worried about it - it's just breaking bad eating habits and exercising. Exercising with a weak knee sucks. I want to ride and enter races. What kind of races? I have no idea. Do they even have that kind of thing? I would assume so - Lance Armstrong comes to mind. But I don't want to enter that fancy race in France. Ha ha. Surely there are like marathon thingys for bike riders, right? I've got a crap bike from Wal-Mart. Will I be laughed at for riding my crappy bike from Wal-Mart? I just didn't want to spend a bunch of money if I wasn't going to ride. Do I have to wear spandex? Yikes! Not sure about that!

My 20th high school reunion will be this year. AUGH! I have high hopes of meeting the man of my dreams there. Wouldn't that make a great story? Of course, it seems that they are all married. Sigh. Probably won't be happening for me.

I am SO rambling. I must go and try to sleep. We're taking Hershey to a dog park tomorrow. That should be an event. We've never done that before.

I think I have a couple of readers still hanging on out there. Thanks for sticking with me even though I never write anymore. I'm aiming for twice a week this year. I have so much to say. I must just make time for me.