Confidence

I recently "confessed" to not feeling comfortable around new people. I guess God was waiting for that confession so He could teach me something.

In my David study tonight, the section I was reading is called Self-centeredness in Disguise. Samuel lets Saul know that he will be king. Saul doesn't understand because he is from the smallest clan of the smallest tribe of Israel. (He's also the tallest man around which is just kind of ironic if you ask me!) He goes and hides in the baggage when Samuel is casting lots to show the people who will be king. Samuel and Saul already knew the outcome, but Saul went to hide.

Oh, that sounds so much like something I'd do. To have the focus of all those eyes on me? Yuck, unless they were all under the age of 11. I can handle tens of thousands of children's eyes on me. I could get those 10,000 children to follow my directions and do whatever it was I needed them to do. (OK - maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But I've done it with close to 100 kids!) But adults - who will judge me? Adults who will decide if they like me by how I look or how I'm dressed or the way I sound? Adults who may not (and probably won't) take the time to find out what's in my heart? Yikes!

Beth Moore writes:

How do we distinguish between godly humility and low self-esteem? . . . . One key lies in our focus. A person with godly humility looks to the Master. He or she neither exalts nor denigrates self, because to do either is to make self the center of our universe. When we're really serving Christ, our reputations and abilities simply cease to be so important. We must decrease that He may increase. (emphasis mine)

Have you ever really thought that lack of confidence is focusing on self? I think maybe I've heard it before, but it never really struck me until tonight. Admitting to something really opens the door for God to teach, doesn't it? So now my goal is to improve that. How? I don't know. Lots of prayer and taking steps to get out of my comfort zone, I guess. I took a baby step today, by the way. I did something I wasn't entirely comfortable doing. I wanted to do it, but lacked confidence, because I don't know how it will turn out. So does it count if you do something even though you lack the confidence still? I did it, but I'm still focusing on self. I'm getting a bit circular - maybe because it's after 2 am!

The next section is about people-pleasing, which I think is another huge problem I have. If I don't please people, why on earth would they like me? It's funny because they seem like such opposites. One is focusing on self. The other is focusing on others. Both are taking the focus away from where it should be - on Him and Him alone. People pleasing to the extreme helped me to be a doormat for my ex-husband. And did that help my marriage? Nope - it ended anyway.

Galations 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Ouch. But you know, during my marriage I was not a servant of Christ. I was a Christian - I know that. But I was no servant - except a servant to people. And that, honestly, is no fun.