The Voice of Truth

First, a comment. If you've read my stuff very much, you know that I tend to pour out what is on my heart. I'm finding that being so free is sometimes hard to do because people are reading it. That sounds so silly. Do you know what I mean? I don't know any other way to write except exactly what I'm thinking. It has to be personal for me or it doesn't work. I'm sure you've noticed that I've tried writing in generic terms, in code and secretly (black writing on black screen), but those aren't really hiding anything either. That's due to the fact that I'm totally transparent and can't hide diddly. I guess being transparent is OK. I've had someone tell me it's a good thing. Who knows. I am what I am. What I'm trying to say ("Yeah, get to it," the crowd mumbles) is that I'm not trying to embarrass myself or you, so if there is embarrassment, you can just pretend you didn't read it. Sound like a deal?

I was worrying about something on the way to school today. Well, worrying is a little strong. Anticipating? Wondering about? It was some "Holy crap it's coming soon!" kind of thinking. To spare myself some embarrassment, I won't get much more detailed than that. But the something? It's not something I'm good at, if that makes sense. (Uh, Erin. No. It doesn't make sense because we don't know what you're talking about!) I think about the other times I've done this something and it never turned out very well. Feelings were hurt. Mine most of the time, but at least once it wasn't my feelings. I don't want hurt feelings - at all. So I worry.

A song came on this morning. Elyssa and I were listening to Casting Crowns on the way to school. The song, Voice of Truth has spoken to me many times. It's all about how we need to not listen to any voice other than the One Voice that matters.

The first time God used this song for me was last year when I found out Elyssa's new step-mom was going to have a baby. We were driving home from school. I was crushed. I wanted another baby, still do actually. I had to hold back the sobs in front of Elyssa and that was really hard. Then my sweet little girl (5 at the time) starting singing along to Voice of Truth. I was stunned into silence. "The giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed." Yeah, my marriage failed. Yeah, things aren't going the way I planned them to go. Yeah, I felt like X was laughing at me. "But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says this is for MY glory." Wait - my divorce, his re-marriage and new baby can be for God's glory? It stopped me in my tracks. It was going to be OK.

This morning, as I was worrying about the "something" that's coming up, Voice of Truth came on again. It was the first verse that got me this time.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

See, stepping out of my comfort zone is what I have to do now. I've tried it out there - in the realm of the unknown - it wasn't fun for me. I failed at it. (Or it failed me?) I'm afraid of the waves. I do imagine the past waves laughing at me, telling me what a loser I am and how I will always fail out there. But the Voice of Truth, He's telling me a different story. He's telling me that no matter what happens, it's for His glory. He's already out there on the waves, ready to take my hand.

I have to listen to Him.