Easter Eggs!

We had a quick egg hunt when Elyssa finally got home. She's so cute.





And here's me - It's the first picture where I can actually tell that I've lost weight. It makes me feel good - and is making me stop eating those stupid Peeps! My gosh - what is it about those horrible things?

Darn It

So Elyssa's dad just told me he's not going to get her home in time to go to church with me. In the grand scheme of life, it's not that big of a deal I suppose. But I wanted my daughter to go to church with me on Easter. I mean, it's not really with me since she goes to Kid's Village and I go to the main service, but still.

I guess I need to keep in mind that it's not like Easter is the only time we go to church each year, right? So really it's not that big of a deal. Right? Yeah, I need some convincing. Sigh. I hate divorce. I hate sharing a kid. I hate sharing holidays. I hate that their big happy family is all together and I'm by myself. Again. On a holiday. I'm supposed to have my daughter with me.

On another note, I'm reading a Star Wars book and one of the Jedi is named Eelysa. That's got to be pronounced the same as my daughter, correct? That's kind of cool.

And I've been spending some time writing about my wounded inner child sitting with God and having a conversation. It's pretty cool. I may have to post this one - it's not as intimate as my adult self sitting with God. I'll think about it.

Sorry to rant and rave and pout on a special day. I was overcome with sadness there for a bit. But Elyssa and I can talk about the meaning behind this special day when she gets home tonight. It doesn't HAVE to be at church. I hope you all have had time to reflect on what our great Savior did for us today.

He lives!

All I Need

From The Search for Significance Devotional Journal:

Here I am for You to help me see what my most basic needs are so that I will know that You are the source for all I need. Help me this day not to give in to the temptation to find those answers anywhere else.

Stagnant

That's how I feel. I'm stuck. There's something I'm not getting - something I'm not doing right. There's something I need to learn or something I need to accept and I just can't seem to get there.

It's sounds hokey but I'm supposed to be envisioning my inner child going up to God the Father and allowing Him to love me. I'm struggling with that. The question I'm supposed to be answering is why am I struggling with getting there? What's holding me back?

It's going to take me admitting that my childhood wasn't perfect. I mean, no one's childhood was perfect. But mine lacked something fundamental and I'm having a hard time accepting that. My parents loved me. But somewhere along the way, I accepted as truth that I wasn't very important. Everyone deserves more attention than me. Everyone needs it more than me. But I'm learning that I actually needed it too. That little girl always went into her room and read a book because there was so much drama out with everyone else. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting blame on my parents. They did what they could. It's not their fault so much as it is just something that I needed that I didn't get. It still happens now. My parents don't come down to my house anymore. My grandmother is too old and going downhill. Once again, someone else is more important than me. I think my dad tries to make up for it like he used to. He's getting some work done on my house - it's getting repainted, the wood is getting replaced. I'm paying for new flower beds. We're getting a new fence. I need those things - my fence is about to fall over. Seriously, a tree is holding it up on one side. But what I want more than the outside of my house being pretty is that my family would want to spend time with me - down here at my house. We always go there.

Then I struggle with feeling badly because my grandmother is 94 years old. Doesn't she deserve the extra time and effort? But I think what I'm supposed to see is that I deserve the time and effort too. Don't I?

My counselor says that I have to get that within myself. My value doesn't come from outside - it comes from God and God alone. It's funny how I'm 37 years old and I'm still wanting to feel important to my parents. It's all I've wanted - to feel important to someone. That's why I want a man - I want a man to make me feel important. But that's just grasping at air. It's not going to fill me up. I constantly doubt my value to all who claim to care about me. Do they really? It's not them. It's me. I don't think I have value so I can't accept it from others. Does that make sense?

It's funny how I'll think I have that core belief beaten back, but it's still there. The value of Erin.

Please don't leave me a comment with how valuable you think I am or how much value I have in Christ. That's not what I'm looking for at all. It's me who has to think I'm valuable. It's me who has to do it. It's me who has to see my worth in Him. You telling me doesn't make me believe it any better. You can just pray for me - that I'll get it - that I'll learn it. Pray that I'll believe it so I can get on with my life and be what He wants me to be.

Aquarium Fun

We went to the Dallas World Aquarium today. It was fun - super crowded, but we had a good time.

The Bible

My pastor's sermon about how much we spend our money on Christian books. Not that there is anything wrong with inspirational books. He wasn't going there. He was warning us to be careful with what we read and just make sure it follows the Bible. He reads them all - he just was amazed at how so many Christian books make up stuff or add to the cross and how we have to be very careful. He read us a passage from a best seller and how it made God sound like He was surprised at some things that transpire. God surprised? How can an all-knowing God be surprised? He gave us 4 questions to think about when reading other books:

1. What does the book do with the scriptures? Does it imply that the Bible is cold and dead? (The Bible is comprised of writings over 1000 years with many different types of authors and is cohesive. It is not cold and dead - it is living and good for the present day.)
2. Does the book add anything at all to the cross? (Christ died once for all! Nothing needs to be added to the cross.)
3. What does the book say about the essence of man? Does it imply that man is intrinsically good? Does it imply that man is the center of everything and God did everything for man? (Nothing could be further from the truth. Man is not good. Man is a sinner. God created all for His glory - not because He was lonely or to make us love Him.)
   
4. What does the book do with Jesus? Does the author make Him effeminate? Does it imply that Jesus is only a good moral teacher or is He God? (Jesus is God - fully man, but fully God.)
   

Luke 6:39 says, "He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?"

Are you going to follow a man or are you going to follow God? I'm not a book burner or one who thinks books should be banned. Take the recent hub-bub on The Golden Compass. I bought it. I read it. There were a few things that made me uncomfortable. I won't recommend it to anyone else. But I don't think the fuss that a lot of the Christian community made about it should have occurred. Same with The Da Vinci Code. It was actually a great book. It was just fiction. I think discussion about these types of books is important, but to ban them as evil is funny to me. It's like the Harry Potter series. I absolutely love those books. They are the epitome of good verses evil. I have a little girl in my classroom is not allowed to even listen to the soundtrack because the mom told her Harry Potter was evil. The soundtrack is evil? I of course won't play it when she's in the room because I don't want to offend anyone, but that is craziness! The soundtrack is by John Williams - the genius behind the Star Wars music. My daughter will read Harry Potter - heck, I'll read it to her! And we will have great discussions about fact verses fiction and how magic is not real and what great lessons we can take from Harry Potter. Anyway - I'm getting off track. My point of this entire post was not to rant about censorship. Everyone has their own opinion.

My point is that my pastor's sermon made me think about how many times I will pick up a Christian book instead of picking up the Bible. Why do I think I'm going to get more from some other human's thoughts about the Bible instead of reading it on my own? I fall into the trap of reading more from other places than from the Bible. And that's something I want to change. I want to spend more time in the Bible.

Great Abba Father - lead me to Your word, to Your truth, to Your love.

Names

This was on someone else's blog and I just thought it was funny. Mostly it was the Star Wars names that caught my eye.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car):
Angel Puff Explorer

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Mint Chocolate Chip Flip-flop

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green Dog

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born):
Lou Dallas

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Erigi

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Purple Coke

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers):
Olan Riley

8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent,favorite candy):
Peach Chocolate

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Roth Richardson

10. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Summer Tulip

11. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Apple Pajamas

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Oatmeal Fruitless Pear

Spring Break!

Yea for Spring Break. I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday, March 25th!

THIS is why it's GREAT to be a teacher! People can complain all day long about how we don't get paid enough. Of course, I'd love to get paid more - who wouldn't? BUT we get so much time off. I'd rather have the time off than more money. I love the time off. I don't have to work, but am still getting paid. People need to stop complaining and enjoy what they have! Right? :-)

Enjoy the beautiful weather!

Here I Am!

I know it's been forever since I've let loose on my blog. I'm sure something will come soon! I've been doing a lot of off-line writing. My counselor had me write about how I visualize God the Father. Have you ever done that? I didn't have a visual for Him at all. I do now. You know how people talk about letting God fill up that spot in your heart? I think I finally felt what that was like. It is a pretty powerful piece of writing, but I don't want to put it here.

Basically, I walked into a crowded room and saw God over there waiting just for me. I had to get rid of all the other people and walk across the room to Him. It was hard for me to do that - walk across the room to Him. But when I was finished with the writing, wow. What a great joy and peace I had about me.

So that's what I'm working on right now - keeping that visual of God in my head.

Thanks for all the prayers for Elyssa. She is finally acting more like herself. We're going to school tomorrow. It's TAKS day! Yippee! I just HAVE to be there, so I'm praying she will stay healthy enough all day.

Oh - and I put a site tracker thing on my blog. It shows me how many hits and where people are looking from. I had someone in Canada reading! Amazing to me. So welcome all you blog stalkers! :-) Don't worry - I have about 10 that I stalk too. Feel free to leave a comment sometime. I hope you're getting as much from reading as I do from writing.

Sad

Elyssa is sick with strep and and ear infection. We've been battling 103 fever all day. It looks like I won't get to see Van Halen tomorrow. But it's OK. I hate seeing my little one so sick.

Despair? Or Trust God?

Please go read this.

2 Favorite Things

I just wanted everyone aware -

Star Wars Clone Wars will not only be a weekly TV show sometime this year, but they are also starting it first as a movie! I am beyond excited! This time Elyssa and I can both go to the 12:01 AM showing! How exciting that I can wait in line and share this awesome thing with my daughter! She gets to experience the real Star Wars phenomenon with me. We may even dress up!

It's coming August 15th, 2008. Then, in the fall, the weekly TV series will be on. Yippee!

The other thing is that I'm going to see Van Halen on March 3rd! I'm jazzed about getting to see a sober Eddie with David Lee Roth singing. I've never seen VH with David Lee Roth - only with Sammy Hagar. And Eddie's son Wolfgang will be playing bass. Cool dude!

Do You Believe?

God is amazing.

My counselor is making me write why I believe what I believe. I think I mentioned that already. (I still haven't started.) Guess what church was all about?

Matt's sermon today was on whether Jesus is a liar or not. He asked us if we really believe what Jesus said. We're going through the book of Luke and read through Luke 4-6 tonight. Matt walked us through how Jesus came to "preach good news to the poor. . . to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." And then, in His ministry, right out of the gate, He went straight to the poor, oppressed, blind and helpless. He said what He was going to do and He went and did it immediately.

We tend to believe more of what people DO than what they SAY. Jesus has done exactly what He said He was going to do. So, do I believe or not?

Matt told us to "get over ourselves." We so often think we can't be of service to Him until we get our act together. But God constantly uses the broken and oppressed, because when we are weak - He is strong.

Abba Father, ~ I want to run to You - not away from You. Give me courage and strength to quit focusing on my deficiencies and truly know Your love for me. Give me the faith to believe in Your perfect plan for me. Give me the faith to believe in Your love. Pour it into me Lord so that I can be of use to You.

Consequences

So I'm rereading the Star Wars New Jedi Order series and stumbled across this today. It's from Dark Tide I: Onslaught. Mara is the lady who married Luke Skywalker and Anakin is Han and Leia's youngest son. This is about 25 years after Episode IV A New Hope. They are discussing using the Force for trivial matters, like setting up tents and hauling crates from their ship. Mara is trying to teach Anakin that it's wrong to use the Force just because you are able to use it.

"If you start thinking that you know the best for people and denying them the chance to make their own errors. . . "
Breath hissed in between Anakin's teeth. "Using the Force becomes easy, and if you are confident you know what is right, you're making yourself the center of reality. That's just selfish, and selfishness is the core of evil, of the dark side."
Mara walked to him and threw an arm over his shoulders. "That's very good, Anakin. We have to be responsible for ourselves, our actions and responsible to society. Usurping someone else's personal responsibility, though, denies them their sentience. It's right and good to help someone who cannot help himself, but forcefully shielding them from the consequences of their actions, no matter how foolish, is wrong.

It's just interesting to me how it goes so well with my earlier post. It's so very much like God and how He lets us make mistakes. He doesn't shield us from our consequences (even though He easily could) because that would take away from what it is that makes us human. Our love for Him can't be forced or it's not really love.

Rules

This is a hard one and I'm not sure if I can get it to come out right. But here goes.

Let me start by listing a few facts. Feel free to correct me if my facts are not true.

• The pharisees were rule followers and they were wrong.
  
• Christ loves me just as I am, not some future version of me.
• Christ died for my sins - all of them. Past, present and future.
  
• As a Christian, my purpose is to be more like Him.
• God knows I'm going to fail and still loves me.

I was listening to last week's sermon and Matt was relating our falls to that of a child. He said something like if we knew that our child was going to have 15 horrendous falls but then would be able to walk and run strongly, would we try to prevent those 15 falls? Wouldn't we accept those falls will heartache, but also with a little bit of joy because then we would know that it was only 14 left. Then 13 left. Then 12 left and so on.

So I guess my most basic question is: Do we have to fall in order to be strong?

I've been a rule-follower all my life. It's part of my people-pleasing nature. I just, for the most part, follow the rules. So am I living my life in order to please Jesus or am I just following the rules? Can you at all see what I mean? Let's get into a specific example that just lays it all out there. (Uh-oh. Here she goes again.)

I miss sex. I do. A lot. I miss kissing. I miss feeling a man's touch. (Ugh. Why is that so hard to say? I know I'm not the only one who thinks that.) Anyway, I haven't had sex with anyone since my divorce because it's against the rules. Am I not having sex because I'm keeping myself pure for Jesus? I mean, it's not like I've had a lot of offers, but it's been a struggle in the last few months. But I don't think I've said no because of Jesus so much as it's against the rules. Does that make sense? So do I have to fail in that specific example to really learn? I know that sounds dumb. Yes, Erin. Go have sex so that you'll learn it's not right. But can you understand at all what I'm saying?

I don't give myself the freedom to mess up because I don't want to mess up. I want to do what's right. Just because I will be forgiven, does not give me the right to abuse Christ's love. Paul says somewhere that His grace is not a free ticket to sin as we wish. But if I'm doing what's right for the wrong reasons, then am I really doing what's right? I've lost you I think. Jesus will still love me if I have sex. He has that much grace and mercy. But as a follower of Him, I'm to strive to be more like Him and do things for His glory. Having sex would not accomplish that so much. But again I ask, do I have to fail in order to know?

I don't want to be a rule follower with my relationship with Jesus. I want to experience the freedom that so many people say they have. But I can't figure out how to get there.

Please don't ridicule my example. I know I have a horrible dirty heart and that sin is not just actions - it's what we think too. I'm just using it to try to explain what's going on in my head. Is failure the only way to really and truly learn?

Increase My Joy

I didn't come up with this - it probably came from Pastor Matt. Maybe it's even in scripture - I should look it up. I may have even written about this before, but it bears repeating. (I found where I had written about it before.)

God withholds things from us not to knock us down or keep us in misery. He does it to increase our joy. We just can't see the why because we are too small. Thank God I have a daughter who needs to learn things so that in turn, I can learn things from my Father.

Yesterday after soccer practice, Elyssa decided she wanted to go look at goldfish. A friend on her soccer team has one and she's decided that she wants one too. She begged me to stop at Petco on the way home. I said no. I'm tired of doing things after soccer or exercise because then it's so late when we get home, so dinner is late and then bedtime is late. We have had a week of good mornings with no crying and no yelling. We've even gotten to school on time for at least 4 of the days. I told her no. She begged some more. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about, "please please please please please please. . . . " Then comes the pouting. After pouting comes the anger.

I looked at her and said, "Elyssa, I know this is hard for you to understand. I have given you logical reasons for why we are not going to stop. You still don't understand because you are so full of "want" right now and it's hard to see past that. I totally understand that feeling of want. But I can see the big picture. I know that giving in right now will not be the best thing for you and me. You think I'm trying to take your joy away, but what I'm really trying to do is increase your joy. It's just hard for you to see. You're going to have to trust me."

Yes, I really do talk to my kid that way. She's brilliant I tell you!

Anyway - in the midst of my talk I was reminded how God is basically saying the same thing to me. I'm so full of want that I can't see past it or understand why His giving in to me is not in my best interest. He knows best. He's not trying to take my joy away. He's trying to increase my joy because He knows best. My job is just to trust Him. I even told Elyssa that there are things I struggle with because I want them now and I don't feel like God is giving them to me. (We've talked briefly about how I want to be married and have more babies.)

We need to wait for God. His perfect plan is. . . well. . . it's perfect. He only wants the best for us. We just have to trust Him. Lord ~ help me trust You!

God's Masterpiece

My kick boxing instructor asked me if I was sad last night. Methinks the fake Erin mask is slipping.

And on a totally different subject, but related by sadness, I took Elyssa to meet her new baby brother today. This is her dad and his wife's second child. It was much harder for me than I thought it would be. I am having a hard time keeping in the tears. It's just weird watching how the two of them (dad and step-mom) interact. They seem very emotionally connected and are experiencing the things I want most desperately. It is hard to watch. Not that I miss it with him, but he was not so emotionally connected to Elyssa and me. There was always some distance. I think because he was already connected to the now wife at that time too. The baby - a boy - is very beautiful. It hurts. Watching him play with his 1 1/2 year old is hard too and even how he talks to his mom-in-law. Of course, it's all just outward appearances that I'm seeing. But . . . it is very hard to see. It makes me very sad. And I don't want to be sad because of him anymore.

On to the point of my post: During home group last weekend, I was asked to write about how God sees me - what I look like to Him through His eyes. I couldn't do it. I struggle to see myself through His eyes. I, of course, got teary and shut down - wouldn't talk about it any more. When I told my counselor, she said that my homework this week is to write about how God's sees me. She said I have to give her a detailed list, so I started it last night. Then I got this devotional this morning from a friend who sends them on when they really speak to her. It is amazing what God uses to get His point across.

God's Masterpiece.

How precious and priceless you are. I made you with exquisite design and fashion. You are so beautiful and delightfully pleasant to behold. I would not change a single thing about you. To see you, hear your voice or to receive you prayers and intercessions, bring Me exquisite pleasure I cannot fully describe. Joy floods My being when I think of you. Knowing the plans I have for you excites Me. Just keep being you and that will be enough. My love for you is vaster than the universe, higher than the tallest mountain and deeper than the largest sea. I do hope you understand. God's Masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things He planned for us long ago."

You are discouraged with where you are. It is in your eyes and the way you carry yourself, and of course I know what's in your heart. I see what your closest friends and family do not know. You don't want anyone to know how low you're feeling, thinking you should be more mature. You wonder if you will ever get to the place of victory. Do not entertain those thoughts. Ask Me to cleanse your heart and mind. Set your mind on good things your heart will follow. Center your thoughts on Me. I have such good plans and blessings for you. Trust in Me and you will get there. Psalms 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Bev & Ras Robinson

If The World Worked My Way

• Knowing what your problem is would make the problem go away.

• Knowing someone is a jerk would make you stop hoping he'd call.
  

• Knowing someone is not right for you would make you stop wondering about it.

• Knowing something in your mind would be enough.

Changed

by Max Lucado

When you believe in Christ, Christ works a miracle in you. You are permanently purified and empowered by God himself. The message of Jesus to the religious person is simple: It’s not what you do. It’s what I do. I have moved in. And in time you can say with Paul, “I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me” (Gal. 2:20).

If I’m born again, why do I fall so often?

Why did you fall so often after your first birth? Did you exit the womb wearing cross-trainers? Did you do the two-step on the day of your delivery? Of course not. And when you started to walk, you fell more than you stood. Should we expect anything different from our spiritual walk?

But I fall so often, I question my salvation. Again, we return to your first birth. Didn’t you stumble as you were learning to walk? And when you stumbled, did you question the validity of your physical birth? Did you, as a one-year-old fresh flopped on the floor, shake your head and think, I have fallen again. I must not be human?

Of course not. The stumbles of a toddler do not invalidate the act of birth. And the stumbles of a Christian do not annul his spiritual birth.

Do you understand what God has done? He has deposited a Christ seed in you. As it grows, you will change. It’s not that sin has no more presence in your life, but rather that sin has no more power over your life. Temptation will pester you, but temptation will not master you. What hope this brings!

Hear this. It’s not up to you! Within you abides a budding power. Trust him!

Think of it this way. Suppose you, for most of your life, have had a heart condition. Your frail pumper restricts your activities. Each morning at work when the healthy employees take the stairs, you wait for the elevator.

But then comes the transplant. A healthy heart is placed within you. After recovery, you return to work and encounter the flight of stairs—the same flight of stairs you earlier avoided. By habit, you start for the elevator. But then you remember. You aren’t the same person. You have a new heart. Within you dwells a new power.

Do you live like the old person or the new? Do you count yourself as having a new heart or old? You have a choice to make.

You might say, “I can’t climb stairs; I’m too weak.” Does your choice negate the presence of a new heart? Dismiss the work of the surgeon? No. Choosing the elevator would suggest only one fact—you haven’t learned to trust your new power.

It takes time. But at some point you’ve got to try those stairs. You’ve got to test the new ticker. You’ve got to experiment with the new you. For if you don’t, you will run out of steam.

Religious rule keeping can sap your strength. It’s endless. There is always another class to attend, Sabbath to obey, Ramadan to observe. No prison is as endless as the prison of perfection. Her inmates find work but never find peace. How could they? They never know when they are finished.

Christ, however, gifts you with a finished work. He fulfilled the law for you. Bid farewell to the burden of religion. Gone is the fear that having done everything, you might not have done enough. You climb the stairs, not by your strength, but his. God pledges to help those who stop trying to help themselves.

“He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6.) God will change you from the inside out.

From Next Door Savior
Available in Hardback or Paperback
Copyright (W Publishing Group, 2003) Max Lucado

Hello

My name is Erin and I'm a love addict.

I was mad at my counselor. She told me to buy this book called Facing Love Addiction. What garbage, I thought. I rolled my eyes at her and she gave me a little smirk and said buy it anyway. She let me know it was a secular book, but it would have some points that might make some things clear to me. I've had it for a week and just kept looking at it, glaring at it really, because I thought it was stupid. I don't like self-help books anyway. And love addiction? What kind of crap is that?

But, being the people pleaser that I am, I figured I better try it out so that at least I could tell Ann I read a little bit. I hate to have homework that's not even attempted. I didn't want to have to go to her and say I haven't even started it.

The beginning just fed my hatred of it. It had a lot of Al-Anon type jargon in it and that always bugged me. I got so much of that from my mom. (Don't get me wrong - Al-Anon worked for her and I'll always be grateful for that. But I didn't want it - didn't want anything to do with it.) I skimmed a bit and read a bit and skimmed some more until I got to the middle of chapter two. A few sentences kind of hit me. Then a couple really stood out. Then I got to chapter three - The Emotional Cycles of The Love Addict. HOLY CRAP! This was my weekend. This cycle was exactly a play by play of my weekend. It goes from being attracted, to feeling high, to getting relief, to showing more neediness but denying the walls, to crumbling denial, to withdrawal, to obsessing, to acting compulsively to repeating the cycle. I won't go into all the gory details, but . . . it just made me think. (sorry the picture is so bad - I can't get a good scan of it.)

Not sure I want to share, but you're on this journey with me, so you might as well hear it all.

Caught in the Middle

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle.

This song struck me today. I was going to pick up Elyssa and chose Casting Crowns because I knew I needed spiritual lifting.

But will we trade our dreams for His?

I asked God to show me His dream for me because my dreams weren't going the way I thought they should. I'm bothered by my last few posts. Yeah, I'm hurting but I am so fortunate compared to a lot of people. When do I stop being so selfish? How do you reconcile your own hurt (that it's OK to hurt) without being lost in it? I'm struggling to find the middle-ground without being caught in the middle.

I'm concerned about putting my hurt out there - you catch a glimpse of it in some of my writing. Did you know it was just a glimpse? But it seems like every time I do this (write when I'm in extreme pain) I hurt someone with how I feel. I've done it to Christy and I've done it to Karen (although that was in email not blogging). My counselor wants me to let it all out but who is ready to withstand that storm?

Enough

The sermon tonight was on the temptations of Jesus. Pastor Matt talked about how the last temptation was like tempting Jesus to stay in His comfort zone. "You won't get hurt because the angels won't let you get hurt." (Matt connected it so much better than I can remember. I only remember what struck me the hardest.) Matt said that it's like us - we have to risk getting hurt - we have to risk being known by others. That our biggest fear of being known by others is rejection. We play it safe so as to feel secure. But playing it safe is a false sense of security. Playing it safe all the time, avoiding rejection, is damaging to our soul.

I hate rejection. I know everyone does - but rejection scares me terribly. I hate calling people. I hate asking my friends to do stuff. I hate the thought of them saying no. I seem to get no a lot. My friends all have lives of their own. I feel like I'm intruding. Especially on the weekends when Elyssa is at her dad's. I want them to want to be with me. I don't want to be pitiful Erin who is needy.

This weekend has been horrible. I was so excited by the idea of it. But God has decided that He's not going to let me sin. (I even invited the sin over TWICE and been shot down TWICE! God is very much against it. It's easy to see that.) So I've spent a lot of time on the couch. I've spent a lot of time crying. I've spent a lot of time trying to disappear by reading and watching movies. But each time the movie is over or the book is finished, I'm still alone.

But you know what I've decided? People don't really want to hear that you're sad. People don't want to hear that you're hurting. Especially if it's a hurt that is so deep down it doesn't seem like you'll ever find the bottom, let alone heal it. People would rather see the happy face. I really believe that. Sad, screwed up Erin is not any fun. And friends are supposed to be fun, right?

Then, you know what else I decided? I decided there is something wrong with me because my focus is so self-centered and horrible. I can't get past my hurt. So what kind of friend am I? The world does not revolve around me, but I feel like I'm constantly saying "woe is me!" It's a very vicious circle that I can't get out of and I hate it.

This counseling stuff is bringing crap up that I'm afraid of. What if no one likes me anymore? What if people are sick of hearing that I'm hurting? Why aren't you all saying ENOUGH! Why do you still read? Maybe it's just the fact that a train wreck is fascinating. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what's bubbling down there in the depths of my heart. I'm afraid that everyone will be so sick of hearing about it that they won't hang around. If you see the real me and don't like it - you're gone. Right now I'm like the kid sticking his finger in the dam so that the water doesn't leak out. But the cracks just keep getting bigger and farther apart. I can't keep them all plugged up. It's going to be a nightmare.

I don't even know the point of this post. Just more crazy midnight ramblings from Erin.

Protected From Myself

So I get that God's protecting me from myself. I really do. And I thank Him for it. He knows more than me. He wants me for Himself. He sees the big picture while I only see about 2 seconds worth.

But here's my question (which I'm not really sure I want answered):

If He wants me protected so much, why can't He take away the sadness, the loneliness, the feelings of worthlessness that prevail because what I wanted to happen didn't happen? Why can't He protect me AND help me be happy with it?

What a long freakin' empty weekend. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I sound so pathetic. Why don't I get off my butt and fill up the time? Do something constructive instead of sitting around in a pity party? All I've got are excuses. It's sad.

Reminders

How is it that God knows exactly what someone needs to be reminded of? How is it that the three things I read on someone's blog are exactly what I struggle with? When am I going to stop being surprised by God? And when am I going to trust Him?

I'm pasting her stuff here. I don't know her except that she goes to my church. I'm bored and lonely and was just blog stalking and God uses it to remind me how much I need Him. Why can't I just take His hand and leap? What am I waiting for?

1) I have two tanks inside of me, one is the flesh and one is the spirit. I am not how I feel, so when I don't feel like doing things or acting a certain way that I know the Lord wants me to act then all I have to do is take some of the spirit from the other tank and God will give me the strength to be obedient...even in small things . . . .

2) I am not who people tell me I am, or who the enemy tells me I am. I am a daughter of the King and he loves me no matter what I do or how I react. I don't have to believe the lies, only the truth. I just have to learn how to discern between the two.

3) I am free and I have chosen not to walk in that freedom. The Lord has given me freedom, but I have not accepted it yet. I want to accept it, but I don't think I know how to fully walk in it right now.

Frustrated

AUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Thanks. I just needed to get that out.

I'm so bored!

Redeeming Love

I'm not much into romance novels. I've always shied away from anything by Francine Rivers. I'd heard she was good, but just wasn't interested. Sci-fi is just more my style. But this book is worth the read. It's based on the book of Hosea. God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute who would break his heart over and over. God allowed Hosea to fall in love with her - just as she was. He got his heart smashed a million times. Hosea had to rescue her from prostitution a few times; had to bear the fact that she had children by other men; and had to purchase her from slavery.

God used Hosea to show us how much He loves us. Hosea's love for his wife is just a glimpse of what God's love is for us.

Amazing to me how God puts things in front of me that show me how's it really supposed to be. How the only way I will be filled is when I fully accept His love for me - that it doesn't take any work on my part. I don't have to earn it. It's there, free. . . I just have to accept it.

Not A Mistake

Big thing in counseling today. I'm not sure what to say. But I realized a lie I've been believing for a long time - a loooooong time. You know I'm adopted. (And if you didn't, surprise!) My counselor has been saying the last few weeks that adults who were adopted as children have issues with being adopted. I assured her that I had no such issues. Nope. Not me. I was special because I was chosen. I was wanted by my parents. The birth mom knew it was a better life for me. She did the right thing. I have no issues with being adopted.

You know what came out today? I have issues with being adopted.

I said I was a mistake. The tears that came (that I still wouldn't let all the way out) were weirdly comforting. I never really knew that I thought that, but the moment I said it out loud, I knew it was the truth. I was a mistake.

The thing is - God doesn't make mistakes, does He? God isn't surprised. God didn't gasp in shock and say, "Holy Crap! How'd that girl get there?" (Did you ever think about how God really is the only one who can truly say holy crap? Sorry. That just gave me the giggles. Can you see Him saying that? And no, Ann, I'm not trying to change the subject.)

So I'm still trying to process it all, but I thought I'd share. I'm not a mistake. I'm not.

Amazing.

Mr Big - To Be With You

There's just something about this song. . . .

Ironic

My temptation - his name is James. My counselor sent this verse to me today:

James 1: 14 - 15
but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.

You can't say God isn't funny.

Grace

I swear our pastor must have said the word grace 500 times during church tonight. First of all it started with the music. Bleeker is so good at picking songs that match the sermon. All of the songs were about God's unending love and amazing grace. I had to sit down, listen and cry. Why do I continue to wear mascara to church? And I wish I wasn't always alone. It would be nice if I'd have these break-downs when I know someone sitting next to me. (Of course, would I allow myself to break down if I was sitting next to someone I knew?)

I guess I'm in a heart crisis. That sounds really stupid. But I can't think of any other way to describe it. I don't understand grace. I know what it means. But why? Why does He continue to shower my stupidity with grace? How am I worth that? (I know, I know - I'm listening to Satan's lies again.)

Here's the thing - without being too detailed. (Although, why I'm hiding details is beyond me. That's not really my style. I'm sure you'll figure it all out. I'm just refraining from being graphic. Like Patterson said in his sermon tonight - I'm just keeping it PG-13 instead of R.)

Why does God continue to shower grace on sinners who know they are sinning but still continue to sin and still continue to want to sin? It doesn't make sense to me. Like, shouldn't I stop - shouldn't the desire to sin stop once you realize you are heading toward sin? Wouldn't a good Christian flee from temptation as it says in the Bible? I feel like I'm sprinting toward the sin. And I'm not even strong enough to ask God to take the temptation away because I don't want it taken away. I want what I want. God even gives me outs - clear cut ways out of temptation and I refused to take it. I knew it was an out from Him - KNEW it was. Didn't want to have anything to do with it. I basically said, "Nah, God, I've got this one taken care of. I don't need Your help." How can that be forgiven?

At the same time, I want to do what is right in God's eyes too.

But I think I've already decided to do this particular sin. I've certainly got my toes across the line already. How dumb is that? Knowing something is wrong but still knowing that you'll probably end up doing it anyway? So my question becomes - why would God give me grace if I want to do something that I know is wrong but I want to do it anyway? At what point does He finally roll His eyes and say enough is enough? In case you were wondering, I'm not using the "get out of jail free" card. I'm not sinning because I have the freedom to do so. I'm not sinning because I know I'll be forgiven. I'm wondering why on earth I'd be forgiven if I'm knowingly doing something wrong.

How can my heart want two polar opposite things? Well - let's be honest now, shall we? My heart wants one thing. My physical being wants another. It's a battle.

I talked and cried and prayed with my home group leader on the phone tonight. And I meet with my counselor tomorrow. (She got on my case last week because she finally figured out that I'm a master of changing the subject when things get too deep and I start to tear up. As soon as those tears start coming, my brain goes into overdrive to figure out a way to get the tears/feelings far far away from me. I'm really good at it - it's automatic. I'll even make it sound like my changing the subject is not really changing the subject so the person will listen and then - poof - the feelings/tears are gone. She said she'd be more vigilant on not letting me run away from those. She's going to try to break the master down. Ha. We'll see. ;-) Ann, I know you're reading. I'll tell you right now - I won't want to break down when I see you tomorrow. Be ready for some masterful strokes of genius.)

Pray for me. I'm not praying the right way. I'm trying, but not really meaning it. I'm even praying for help so I can mean what I'm saying. Augh! Why does He love me so much? I'm a mess.

Not a Rottweiller

This sentence from The Search for Significance made a lot of sense to me:

If making achievements and gaining approval are our primary means for obtaining self-worth, we will tenaciously hold to them until we are absolutely convinced that only God's love and acceptance of us can ultimately meet this need.

I don't want to be a rottweiller holding tight to a lie. I want the freedom of His grace.

Feelings Don't Matter

I read something last night and it was very profound to me. You see, I have issues. I have horrible automatic thoughts that almost always lead me straight to thinking I'm not good enough. I'd say I was working on it, but sometimes that doesn't even feel true. Let it suffice to say that I'm hoping to work on it. My counselor even prayed last time, "Lord - what am I going to do with her?" It made me laugh. She's awesome.

Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.

I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.

On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.

And this is what I read that blew my mind:

You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.

I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.

I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.

What's The Feeling?

Remember my recent downward spiral? So that happened last Saturday night and I wrote about it on Sunday. That Monday my counselor made me analyze exactly what was going on in my head when I started down that slippery slope. She made me describe the scene and then stopped me and asked me to look at my feelings. Could I remember them?

It's the first time I started to cry in counseling. It's funny how tough I think I have to be. I may be crying on the inside, but you'll not see it. You'll see me laughing. I wonder how many of you can see the tears under the laughter? Anyway, I digress....

The feeling I had could only be explained as an emptiness. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of word she was looking for, but that's the only way I could describe it. She told me to focus on the feeling so that I could recognize it next time. Then I could tell Satan I wasn't going to believe his crap any more.

Friday night I went to the Stars game with my good friend Rachel and her roommate. They were both in the front seat and I was in the back. Both of them were texting boys. I didn't have anyone to text and that feeling came roaring in - empty, empty, empty. All of a sudden, I recognized the feeling for what it was and quietly told Satan to get the hell out of the car! It was just kind of cool to realize what was coming and nip it before it got a hold of me. I prayed for a few minutes, asking God to keep me from believing Satan's lies.

Hopefully I'll continue to see it for what it is and not fall for the trap.

Quick Question

I read other blogs and most people don't go into specific detail like I do. So my question is this - is it a good thing or a bad thing to go into specific detail?

I know we all like hearing the "dirt" in other people's lives - you can try to deny it, but you know it's true! :-) But is it good for the dirty person to spread all their dirt out there? I know I feel good getting it out. But does that make it right?

Know what I just noticed? I'm worrying about what other people think. AUGH! Who cares if you think it's a good idea. I like writing this way, so I'm gonna keep doing it!

and so ends another moment in the brain of Erin. . . . aren't you so glad you stopped by?

Briefly Free

I had one of those brief moments of clarity. It didn't stay long, but for just a second in church tonight, I think I felt what it must be like to live freely and fully in the grace of God's love. It's like my heart did a little thing. I don't remember what Pastor Matt was saying. . . something about how so many people think they have to act a certain way or do certain things in order to win God's approval. I think I've been that way for most of my life. Intellectually I know that I can't do anything to win His approval and that's why He freely gives His grace and love to me. But my whole life - I've been the good kid. I didn't drink until college - and even waited until after soccer season - I wasn't going to drink while I was in training. (My logic - so silly.) I didn't have sex until I met my stupid X when I was 18. (I'd saved myself for so long! Why oh why did I give in? I really think that's the only reason I married him - I'd already given him that which was only to go to my husband. OK - getting off topic. That's for another day.) I've never done any drugs. I never even smoked a cigarette. (Although I did light one for my friend once b/c I wanted to look cool - silly Erin.) I came home on time - mostly. I got good grades. I was good at soccer. I didn't lie, cheat or steal. My brother was so messed up, that somewhere I got the idea that I had to be good because he was so bad. I can remember my dad telling me how he very much appreciated that I did the right things. I think that just reinforced the idea in my head. My parents needed me to be good because Riley was so bad. I'm not blaming them - just explaining how I think it might have started.

Anyway, in church my heart did this little thing. I can't explain it really - but I'll try. It felt like an openness. I guess it was just freedom - release. It wasn't empty - just open. But something immediately clamped back down and the feeling was gone. I'm not beating myself up about the fact that it went away so quickly. I've been locked down for 36 years. It's not going to happen right away. But feeling it so briefly makes me want to feel it again.

Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I'm sure it's tied to my feeling of having no value. As my counselor would say, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth.

FYI - My temptation is returning from out of the country in one week. We've been IMing a lot. We've made plans to go out again. I want to. Very much. But maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. Very much. Intellectually I know he's a temptation because he likes me. He makes me feel worthy. Intellectually I know that that's not where I get my worthiness. But my heart wants to go out because he makes me feel beautiful and I like it. Augh!

The Answers

I know you've been dying to know!


3263827 - The garbage smasher everyone is trapped in. Luke yells this number to C3PO.
94 - the docking bay that the Millennium Falcon is in on Tatooine.
r2 - R2D2 (duh!)
17000 - the number of credits that Obi Wan will pay Han Solo to take them to Alderaan.
1138 - Leia's cell on the Death Star.
2 - 2 meters is how big the exhaust port is on the Death Star. Luke says he used to bullseye womp rats back home, and they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
12 - 12 parsecs is how fast the Falcon made the Kessel Run.
.5 - The Falcon can go .5 past lightspeed. (That's pretty fast!)
52577 - Release date of the first movie - May 25, 1977

Don't ya just love it?

Christmas Cards

I got the cards ordered today. I love making this stuff!

Ah-Ha!

It's funny. I've read stuff like this before:

Spiritual growth is not magic. It comes as we apply the love and forgiveness of Christ in our daily circumstances. It comes as we reflect on the unconditional acceptance of Christ and His awesome power and choose to respond to situations and people in light of His sovereign purpose and kindness towards us.

Search for Significance (p. 121)

But I've never really thought about how I respond to myself! I'm horrible to myself usually. I try hard not to respond horribly to others, but have no problem responding horribly to myself. It was just an ah-ha moment.

I loved reading in black and white that spiritual growth is not magic.

God's showing His love for me over and over. I got this in an email today from Pastor Matt's weekly email:

I was reading Matthew 7:9-11 last night. It says, "Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" I know this text sounds simple. It's simple but it's significant. I enjoy giving gifts to my children, Audrey and Reid. It brings me an immense amount of joy to watch them laugh and get excited. The reason I love giving, though, is because I love them. Jesus is saying that if we know how to give gifts out of love—we, who have sin in our lives—how much more must God, who has no sin, be able to love us? Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked talking about gifts. It's the love that's significant. It is out of His love for us that He gives good gifts. How profound. He loves you. Right now you are reading this email and the God of the universe loves you, knows your hurts, doubts, frustrations and joys and loves you. Think on that for a few minutes.

I got tears in my eyes. Right now while I'm writing this - God love me. He knows all my crap, and He loves me still. Awesome!

Chew-pumpkin

I know Halloween was long ago, but here's a cute picture of how my class decorated our pumpkin.

How Well Do You Know Star Wars?

I can proudly say that I knew what every one of these numbers meant in Star Wars. A friend did have to slightly correct my thinking (darn it - he's not supposed to know more than me!) on one item. How many do you recognize?

Downward Spiral

I guess it's good that I'm noticing the downward spiral, but I wish I was past the point of just noticing and able to nip it in the bud. It frustrates me.

A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.

It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)

So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.

He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.

Flickering Is Good

It's not really that I'm scared to write. I think scared is the wrong word. Part of it is that I'm not making the time to do it. My counselor said I need to write. It's a gift God gave me and I'm not using it. So here's a few little nuggets from the life of Erin lately:

• I met with my nutritionist lady to evaluate my progress in the last month. How the scale works to give all this info is beyond my comprehension, but here's the breakdown - 5 pounds lost, but 5 pounds of muscle gained; 15 inches total lost; almost 3% body fat lost. Everyone I tell gets much more excited than me. I don't think I look that different. All I know is my pants fit better. :-) And I focus on the parts I don't like more than the parts that were already OK. Anyway - it's definitely progress.

• My counselor told me to focus on the fact that Christ is IN me. He's not just in the same room. He's not just beside me - He's closer than that. He is within my very soul. I know you've heard that since you were a kid - Jesus is in your heart. But have you ever really stopped to comprehend it? He's in there. IN. It's been a bit eye-opening. Then I listened to a sermon from Matt talking about the indisputable power of Christ. Demons never got a chance to argue with Him. He said, "Go." They went. Some of the demons even asked Him, "Are You here to kill us early?" They knew His power. A storm is raging and the disciples - fishermen who are used to the sea - are quaking in fear. It must have been a heck of a storm! Jesus says, "Stop." And the ocean goes calm immediately. So this power - it's in me! What do I have to fear? Of course, I'm not saying that I could make a storm go away. Heck - I can't even make a mosquito go away! But His power is IN me. And if you're a believer - He's in you too!

• My kids at school are fun to watch when they are just about to understand something new. You can see the light bulb flickering over their heads. The moment that the light bulb turns all the way on - that's what makes being a teacher worthwhile. It is the greatest thing to witness. You can see the light shooting out of their eyes; it makes me smile. I feel like that a lot of times -like my light bulb is flickering over my head. I almost understand/believe/trust the depth of Jesus' love for me. Every once in awhile, it burns so brightly that I get tears. But then it goes to flickering again. I used to worry about that - like, why wasn't I getting it already? But I'm learning that it's a process. I probably won't get it - my light bulb won't turn on - until I'm standing there with Him. I'm learning that's OK. Just flickering is just fine.

• I'm reading The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. One little mantra that I'm memorizing is : I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and complete in Christ. I've spent so much of my life trying to meet some self-created standards so that others will love me. I've been stuck for so long thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to love me. Duh! Right? He loves me anyway. He loved me while I was still a sinner. I'll never be good enough - no one will ever be good enough. That's the awesome thing about God. He loves me anyway.
  

• I'm going to end with words that are not my own. I read my pastor's wife's blog today and LOVED her thoughts. I'd link you to it, but don't really know her personally and don't want to do a random link to someone else's blog without permission. She was writing about having a hope and that hope not being met. She said it so well, I'm just going to paste it here. (Lauren - if you're reading - hope that's OK!)

  Hope Deferred by Lauren
  

  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
  
  There is a hope I'm holding onto right now that is currently deferred. In a sense, I am left in the waiting room with legs crossed, bouncing the top one to the rhythm of the sadly mediocre music. I'm flipping through the magazines gazing at the pictures and articles but not really taking them in. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is on the "what if" rather than the what is.
  
  In the midst of the waiting and the hoping, the verse above ran through my mind like the unending pleas of my 2-year-old for "cake, Mommy, cake!" It was as if the Lord was saying "Lauren, pay attention. Turn yourself towards me. Hear what I have to say. Hear what MY desire is for you."
  
  So I turned and this is what I heard.
  
  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
  
  Okay. I get it. My heart feels sick because my hope is deferred. And when I get what I want, I'll be happy. Makes sense. No grand revelation here.
  
  But...(a very beautiful "but" I might add)...is there a place I can put my hope that it is never deferred? Sure, I may not get what I think I want or need...but is there something better I can get?
  
  And Psalm 42:5 answered me...
  
  "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
  
  Indeed, there is a better hope. There is a place I can put my hope that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him. He is a hope that is never deferred.

Scared to Write?

I know God gave me the gift of writing to sort out my thoughts and feelings - to get the the truth of things. Lately, I just haven't been able to write. It's amusing to me. The carefully crafted wall around my heart is beginning to crumble. I can feel it crumbling - I want it to crumble - but I find myself with my duct tape and super glue, ready to build it again, just in case. In case of what? I have no idea. My brain knows that fully surrendering to God will be just the thing I'm looking for.

My counselor said I have to make time to write.

It doesn't even have to be writing here. But I'm not even writing in my pen/paper journal. What's holding me back? Fear. Who is the fear? Satan. I don't want to be in his power. I'm told it's a process. I want instant fix. But nothing really worth it is instant.

I'm off to kickboxing and yoga.

Phone Prayer

Have you ever had someone pray for you over the phone? Tonight was the first time that's ever been offered to me.

I was having a bad moment because of my dad. My dad just has a way of making a person feel guilty and wrong about things. Long story short: Mom called to ask if I had pudding. I said no and asked if she was going to go get some. She said she didn't think so, but what did I need if she did go. I asked for milk. She wrote it down. Then my dad gets on the phone and tells me I need to be more supportive of my mother instead of asking her to go to the grocery store for me. See, my mom has to make a decision about her job. My grandmother was in the hospital all week and is now home with oxygen. My mom may lose her job if she does not go back to work, but my grandmother isn't really well enough to stay alone. I got very angry with my dad. How dare he act like I'm ordering my mother to go to the grocery store! How dare he assume anything when he's mostly drunk and has no idea that I was talking to my mom the night before and asking if I needed to stay home with Mer? I know it's his deal and I shouldn't take it on, but being a burden to someone or asking someone to do something for me is one of my hang-ups. I don't do that. I don't ever want someone to think I've treated them badly. And here is my dad telling me that I need to be more supportive. I was angry and crying and of course the guilt starts creeping into my head. Here come the doubts: was I treating my mother wrong? Was I not being supportive enough? The answer to those questions is no. My dad just made some assumptions about me. But why make those assumptions about me? What have I done to make him think that way about me? When had I ever treated anyone that way before? Was it because my daughter spent the day down there? Was that bad? Was she in the way? Was I a bad mother because my daughter stayed down there?

Oh I was angry. And sad. And hurt. Do you see how the bad thoughts just spiral out of control for me? I somehow go from my dad being a jerk, to me being a bad daughter and a bad mother. Wow.

I called my friend Shannon because she has some dad issues like mine. I was just going to ask her to pray for my mom and her decision. She said of course she would, but right now she was going to pray with me on the phone. So she did. I just cried and cried. I want to be surrounded by people who love me like that. It's making me cry right now. I so desperately need love and support like that all the time. But I have to break this wall around me where I think I have to be put together and happy all the time. I have to reach out to the love and support that's right there waiting for me. I like the breaking wall. Of course, my wall is just barely cracking. It's hard as hell and hurts and is scary. But the love you feel after . . . it's worth it.

It's like how Jesus is waiting for us to ask Him for help, love and support. He won't ever force it on us. We must go to Him.

Thank you Shannon, for being there. Thanks for offering to pray with me on the phone. Hearing you reach out to our Lord for me - I can't explain it. I loved it. And I love you so much.

Lessons From My Daughter

Sunday

Last Sunday was another great sermon by Pastor Matt. We're going through the book of Luke. I should have written about it back then, because now I'm forgetting what struck me the deepest. It was about living well and suffering well and not being fearful of death - we need to die well too. But on the way home, Elyssa had something else to teach me. We always go through her lesson from church so we can talk about meaning and see if she understood it all. Her lesson was that God always provides what we need when we need it. She read from my Bible about how God provided a ram for Abraham so he didn't have to sacrifice his only son. She kept telling me that He knows best. He wants us to trust Him and let Him provide for us. Listening to her say that just made me pause. I said "wow" and she wanted to know what was wow. I said it's like how badly I want to be married again. But how I have to let God provide that for me - I can't go out there and make it happen right now. I need to trust Him completely with that. He will provide it when I'm ready.

Tuesday

Elyssa and I were brushing teeth and getting ready for bed. We were joking around about something and she said some idiotic comment about her not doing her homework would make me not love her. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I looked at her and said, "Really? You think something as pointless (in the grand scheme of life) as homework is going to be just the thing that makes me stop loving you? Do you know how crazy that is? Do you think there is anything out there in the world that you could do that would make my love for you go away? There is NOTHING that you could do or say that would take my love away from you."

Then I paused and slightly smiled. I could just see God up there saying - "Are you listening to yourself?" I can't completely 100% accept God's love for me because somehow I am unworthy of it? I think there's something I can do that will make God stop loving me? Does He not love me infinitely more than I could ever love Elyssa?

It's just funny how my thinking has changed in the last few weeks. My counselor has just said a few things that have struck me to my core. Like how feeling worthless is a sin because of how God feels about me. She talked about how Satan uses any old thing to keep us down because as long as we're down, God can't use us for His glory. We talked about my self-image and all the negative thoughts I have about myself. That Satan uses food to keep me down. I was like, huh? I need to look at things as a spiritual battle and see how Satan tempts me with garbage food so I'll feel bad about myself and be trapped in that value-less circle. I'd never thought about it that way. I thought temptations were super bad things, you know? But not food! I'm happy to say that I've been working with a nutritionist and for two weeks have done a great job at changing my eating habits. I've even lost about 5 pounds! When I want something bad, I think about the spiritual battle that is taking place. It's helped me a lot. Today, I again emailed my meals for the last few days to my nutritionist. Her reply was not as "hooray" as the last few emails. She's proud of my changes but picked at some of the stuff I've eaten - too much yogurt, you don't need yogurt as a dessert, that chicken you ate was bad, you need more veggies . . . . So, what did I do? Immediately go into thoughts of "I can't do this. I will never lose weight. What's the point of even trying? I'm going to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life. No man will ever love me." Sheesh! So I stopped and thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And started to feel a little better. It's just about not letting the negative thoughts take control, but putting God's truth in their place.

I think I rambled more than I meant to, but I'll leave it. Sorry that I haven't written in so long. I've been in a different place somehow. . . I don't know how to explain it. It's like learning is taking place but it's a process that's taking longer so it doesn't come out as easily. I feel like I'm making heart-changes and am just contemplative rather than expressive.

I need sleep. I'll be back soon!

Oh yeah - and I read Demon: A Memoir. It is amazing! Read it.

Yoda

You know how I love Star Wars. Every October people send me the email that shows all the pictures of dogs dressed up for Halloween. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I'll send one to you. They are funny!

People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)

God Laughs

Elyssa and I started watching Evan Almighty tonight. It's really good! The greatest part so far is when Morgan Freeman (playing God) tells Evan to build an Ark. Evan tells God that building an ark wasn't really in his plans. He had other things to do. God just laughs hysterically.

Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?

My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?

It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."

Surrender

So I have value issues. I don't think I'm valuable. I was reminded today that I have to surrender it to God. Surrender. I've never once thought about surrendering that to God. Not once have I prayed about my own value issues. Never.

I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.

Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?

I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.

Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.

What's Wrong?

People keep asking me if I'm OK. What's the deal with that? Am I OK? I think I'm OK. Who knows.

More later.

So Simple. So Profound

My counselor is having me think about my thinking. I spend so much of my time believing Satan's lies. She's having me fill out a worksheet type thing to help me change my way of listening to Satan and instead turning to God's truth.

I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.

This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.

For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.

I'M CURED!

No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.

The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.

But it's a start.

(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)

Why Counseling?

I'm so excited by my step in going to see a counselor. It went great on Friday. Most of that was just background stuff - how I grew up and all that jazz. I sound like I could be a tragic movie - adopted, alcoholic father, drug addict brother in jail, mother who was so overwhelmed by the two mess-ups in the family that there was not much time for me, grandmother who never seemed to really love me since I'm not related by blood, husband who cheated and left me. . . I could be a Lifetime movie. But I don't feel like a Lifetime movie, you know? It's just amusing to me.

Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.

Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.

So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.

1. I want to believe in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. I keep equating His love with the love I've experienced from humans. I've been let down so much. Why does He continue to love me? I know I let God down all the time. And He still loves me? Why? I know in my head that He loves me . Occasionally I know it in my heart. He shows me all the time. I wish I could tell you how often I've underlined "unfailing love" in my Bible in the last few months. He's constantly reminding me, but I'm still fighting it. Why? I want to fall deeply into His love and safety and never ever step away from it. I want His love to be enough for all time. But I'm scared to let go . . . .
2. I want to be married again so badly but I'm still broken and I believe God wants me to work on that brokenness before He will ever allow a man to join with my heart. What good will a broken heart be in a new marriage?
3. I want to stop the negative thoughts. I feel so worthless so much of the time. I hate it. I want to stop thinking horrible things about myself.
4. I know all the answers in my head. But I won't move that knowledge to my heart. Why? What is blocking that transformation?
5. I'm sick of being a people pleaser. Not that I want to stop pleasing others, but I want to stop wondering all the time what people think of me. Loving others is my nature - I want to stop wondering if they accept me. I want to stop worrying about letting others down in trivial matters.

I think that sums it up pretty well.

Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?

MEET WITH ME by Ross King (C) 1999 Ross King

I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You.
Will You come and meet with me?
I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for You to pass by,
Will You come and meet with me?

Oh, what a joy it would be,
Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord,
Oh more than anything, that’s what I long for.

Oh, what a change it would bring,
Just to look deep in the face of the King who gave all,
You gave everything so You could meet with me,
Will You meet with me?

When we got to the line of "Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord" I had to find Kleenex. That's what I long for. . . .

Slammed Upside the Head

My crazy awesome life is going well. I have things I want to write about but can't find the time to do it. Things like how God is slamming me with the truth of being content with my lot in life - even at 2 am when I get up to let the darn dog outside and click on the computer while I'm waiting, with the total intent of JUST shutting down. But, hmmm, let me quickly check a few blogs. Oh, wait, here's a new link, let's check this blog out. SLAM - "Be content with where you are Erin!" I love it that He always knows what I need to hear. There are no coincidences!

Please pray for me as I start with my counselor on Friday. I'm so ready to dig into my soul and reach for the deep real authentic life that Pastor Matt is always talking about.