Not a Rottweiller

This sentence from The Search for Significance made a lot of sense to me:

If making achievements and gaining approval are our primary means for obtaining self-worth, we will tenaciously hold to them until we are absolutely convinced that only God's love and acceptance of us can ultimately meet this need.

I don't want to be a rottweiller holding tight to a lie. I want the freedom of His grace.

Feelings Don't Matter

I read something last night and it was very profound to me. You see, I have issues. I have horrible automatic thoughts that almost always lead me straight to thinking I'm not good enough. I'd say I was working on it, but sometimes that doesn't even feel true. Let it suffice to say that I'm hoping to work on it. My counselor even prayed last time, "Lord - what am I going to do with her?" It made me laugh. She's awesome.

Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.

I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.

On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.

And this is what I read that blew my mind:

You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.

I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.

I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.

What's The Feeling?

Remember my recent downward spiral? So that happened last Saturday night and I wrote about it on Sunday. That Monday my counselor made me analyze exactly what was going on in my head when I started down that slippery slope. She made me describe the scene and then stopped me and asked me to look at my feelings. Could I remember them?

It's the first time I started to cry in counseling. It's funny how tough I think I have to be. I may be crying on the inside, but you'll not see it. You'll see me laughing. I wonder how many of you can see the tears under the laughter? Anyway, I digress....

The feeling I had could only be explained as an emptiness. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of word she was looking for, but that's the only way I could describe it. She told me to focus on the feeling so that I could recognize it next time. Then I could tell Satan I wasn't going to believe his crap any more.

Friday night I went to the Stars game with my good friend Rachel and her roommate. They were both in the front seat and I was in the back. Both of them were texting boys. I didn't have anyone to text and that feeling came roaring in - empty, empty, empty. All of a sudden, I recognized the feeling for what it was and quietly told Satan to get the hell out of the car! It was just kind of cool to realize what was coming and nip it before it got a hold of me. I prayed for a few minutes, asking God to keep me from believing Satan's lies.

Hopefully I'll continue to see it for what it is and not fall for the trap.

Quick Question

I read other blogs and most people don't go into specific detail like I do. So my question is this - is it a good thing or a bad thing to go into specific detail?

I know we all like hearing the "dirt" in other people's lives - you can try to deny it, but you know it's true! :-) But is it good for the dirty person to spread all their dirt out there? I know I feel good getting it out. But does that make it right?

Know what I just noticed? I'm worrying about what other people think. AUGH! Who cares if you think it's a good idea. I like writing this way, so I'm gonna keep doing it!

and so ends another moment in the brain of Erin. . . . aren't you so glad you stopped by?

Briefly Free

I had one of those brief moments of clarity. It didn't stay long, but for just a second in church tonight, I think I felt what it must be like to live freely and fully in the grace of God's love. It's like my heart did a little thing. I don't remember what Pastor Matt was saying. . . something about how so many people think they have to act a certain way or do certain things in order to win God's approval. I think I've been that way for most of my life. Intellectually I know that I can't do anything to win His approval and that's why He freely gives His grace and love to me. But my whole life - I've been the good kid. I didn't drink until college - and even waited until after soccer season - I wasn't going to drink while I was in training. (My logic - so silly.) I didn't have sex until I met my stupid X when I was 18. (I'd saved myself for so long! Why oh why did I give in? I really think that's the only reason I married him - I'd already given him that which was only to go to my husband. OK - getting off topic. That's for another day.) I've never done any drugs. I never even smoked a cigarette. (Although I did light one for my friend once b/c I wanted to look cool - silly Erin.) I came home on time - mostly. I got good grades. I was good at soccer. I didn't lie, cheat or steal. My brother was so messed up, that somewhere I got the idea that I had to be good because he was so bad. I can remember my dad telling me how he very much appreciated that I did the right things. I think that just reinforced the idea in my head. My parents needed me to be good because Riley was so bad. I'm not blaming them - just explaining how I think it might have started.

Anyway, in church my heart did this little thing. I can't explain it really - but I'll try. It felt like an openness. I guess it was just freedom - release. It wasn't empty - just open. But something immediately clamped back down and the feeling was gone. I'm not beating myself up about the fact that it went away so quickly. I've been locked down for 36 years. It's not going to happen right away. But feeling it so briefly makes me want to feel it again.

Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I'm sure it's tied to my feeling of having no value. As my counselor would say, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth.

FYI - My temptation is returning from out of the country in one week. We've been IMing a lot. We've made plans to go out again. I want to. Very much. But maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. Very much. Intellectually I know he's a temptation because he likes me. He makes me feel worthy. Intellectually I know that that's not where I get my worthiness. But my heart wants to go out because he makes me feel beautiful and I like it. Augh!

The Answers

I know you've been dying to know!


3263827 - The garbage smasher everyone is trapped in. Luke yells this number to C3PO.
94 - the docking bay that the Millennium Falcon is in on Tatooine.
r2 - R2D2 (duh!)
17000 - the number of credits that Obi Wan will pay Han Solo to take them to Alderaan.
1138 - Leia's cell on the Death Star.
2 - 2 meters is how big the exhaust port is on the Death Star. Luke says he used to bullseye womp rats back home, and they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
12 - 12 parsecs is how fast the Falcon made the Kessel Run.
.5 - The Falcon can go .5 past lightspeed. (That's pretty fast!)
52577 - Release date of the first movie - May 25, 1977

Don't ya just love it?

Christmas Cards

I got the cards ordered today. I love making this stuff!

Ah-Ha!

It's funny. I've read stuff like this before:

Spiritual growth is not magic. It comes as we apply the love and forgiveness of Christ in our daily circumstances. It comes as we reflect on the unconditional acceptance of Christ and His awesome power and choose to respond to situations and people in light of His sovereign purpose and kindness towards us.

Search for Significance (p. 121)

But I've never really thought about how I respond to myself! I'm horrible to myself usually. I try hard not to respond horribly to others, but have no problem responding horribly to myself. It was just an ah-ha moment.

I loved reading in black and white that spiritual growth is not magic.

God's showing His love for me over and over. I got this in an email today from Pastor Matt's weekly email:

I was reading Matthew 7:9-11 last night. It says, "Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" I know this text sounds simple. It's simple but it's significant. I enjoy giving gifts to my children, Audrey and Reid. It brings me an immense amount of joy to watch them laugh and get excited. The reason I love giving, though, is because I love them. Jesus is saying that if we know how to give gifts out of love—we, who have sin in our lives—how much more must God, who has no sin, be able to love us? Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked talking about gifts. It's the love that's significant. It is out of His love for us that He gives good gifts. How profound. He loves you. Right now you are reading this email and the God of the universe loves you, knows your hurts, doubts, frustrations and joys and loves you. Think on that for a few minutes.

I got tears in my eyes. Right now while I'm writing this - God love me. He knows all my crap, and He loves me still. Awesome!

Chew-pumpkin

I know Halloween was long ago, but here's a cute picture of how my class decorated our pumpkin.

How Well Do You Know Star Wars?

I can proudly say that I knew what every one of these numbers meant in Star Wars. A friend did have to slightly correct my thinking (darn it - he's not supposed to know more than me!) on one item. How many do you recognize?

Downward Spiral

I guess it's good that I'm noticing the downward spiral, but I wish I was past the point of just noticing and able to nip it in the bud. It frustrates me.

A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.

It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)

So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.

He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.

Flickering Is Good

It's not really that I'm scared to write. I think scared is the wrong word. Part of it is that I'm not making the time to do it. My counselor said I need to write. It's a gift God gave me and I'm not using it. So here's a few little nuggets from the life of Erin lately:

• I met with my nutritionist lady to evaluate my progress in the last month. How the scale works to give all this info is beyond my comprehension, but here's the breakdown - 5 pounds lost, but 5 pounds of muscle gained; 15 inches total lost; almost 3% body fat lost. Everyone I tell gets much more excited than me. I don't think I look that different. All I know is my pants fit better. :-) And I focus on the parts I don't like more than the parts that were already OK. Anyway - it's definitely progress.

• My counselor told me to focus on the fact that Christ is IN me. He's not just in the same room. He's not just beside me - He's closer than that. He is within my very soul. I know you've heard that since you were a kid - Jesus is in your heart. But have you ever really stopped to comprehend it? He's in there. IN. It's been a bit eye-opening. Then I listened to a sermon from Matt talking about the indisputable power of Christ. Demons never got a chance to argue with Him. He said, "Go." They went. Some of the demons even asked Him, "Are You here to kill us early?" They knew His power. A storm is raging and the disciples - fishermen who are used to the sea - are quaking in fear. It must have been a heck of a storm! Jesus says, "Stop." And the ocean goes calm immediately. So this power - it's in me! What do I have to fear? Of course, I'm not saying that I could make a storm go away. Heck - I can't even make a mosquito go away! But His power is IN me. And if you're a believer - He's in you too!

• My kids at school are fun to watch when they are just about to understand something new. You can see the light bulb flickering over their heads. The moment that the light bulb turns all the way on - that's what makes being a teacher worthwhile. It is the greatest thing to witness. You can see the light shooting out of their eyes; it makes me smile. I feel like that a lot of times -like my light bulb is flickering over my head. I almost understand/believe/trust the depth of Jesus' love for me. Every once in awhile, it burns so brightly that I get tears. But then it goes to flickering again. I used to worry about that - like, why wasn't I getting it already? But I'm learning that it's a process. I probably won't get it - my light bulb won't turn on - until I'm standing there with Him. I'm learning that's OK. Just flickering is just fine.

• I'm reading The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. One little mantra that I'm memorizing is : I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and complete in Christ. I've spent so much of my life trying to meet some self-created standards so that others will love me. I've been stuck for so long thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to love me. Duh! Right? He loves me anyway. He loved me while I was still a sinner. I'll never be good enough - no one will ever be good enough. That's the awesome thing about God. He loves me anyway.
  

• I'm going to end with words that are not my own. I read my pastor's wife's blog today and LOVED her thoughts. I'd link you to it, but don't really know her personally and don't want to do a random link to someone else's blog without permission. She was writing about having a hope and that hope not being met. She said it so well, I'm just going to paste it here. (Lauren - if you're reading - hope that's OK!)

  Hope Deferred by Lauren
  

  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
  
  There is a hope I'm holding onto right now that is currently deferred. In a sense, I am left in the waiting room with legs crossed, bouncing the top one to the rhythm of the sadly mediocre music. I'm flipping through the magazines gazing at the pictures and articles but not really taking them in. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is on the "what if" rather than the what is.
  
  In the midst of the waiting and the hoping, the verse above ran through my mind like the unending pleas of my 2-year-old for "cake, Mommy, cake!" It was as if the Lord was saying "Lauren, pay attention. Turn yourself towards me. Hear what I have to say. Hear what MY desire is for you."
  
  So I turned and this is what I heard.
  
  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
  
  Okay. I get it. My heart feels sick because my hope is deferred. And when I get what I want, I'll be happy. Makes sense. No grand revelation here.
  
  But...(a very beautiful "but" I might add)...is there a place I can put my hope that it is never deferred? Sure, I may not get what I think I want or need...but is there something better I can get?
  
  And Psalm 42:5 answered me...
  
  "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
  
  Indeed, there is a better hope. There is a place I can put my hope that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him. He is a hope that is never deferred.

Scared to Write?

I know God gave me the gift of writing to sort out my thoughts and feelings - to get the the truth of things. Lately, I just haven't been able to write. It's amusing to me. The carefully crafted wall around my heart is beginning to crumble. I can feel it crumbling - I want it to crumble - but I find myself with my duct tape and super glue, ready to build it again, just in case. In case of what? I have no idea. My brain knows that fully surrendering to God will be just the thing I'm looking for.

My counselor said I have to make time to write.

It doesn't even have to be writing here. But I'm not even writing in my pen/paper journal. What's holding me back? Fear. Who is the fear? Satan. I don't want to be in his power. I'm told it's a process. I want instant fix. But nothing really worth it is instant.

I'm off to kickboxing and yoga.

Phone Prayer

Have you ever had someone pray for you over the phone? Tonight was the first time that's ever been offered to me.

I was having a bad moment because of my dad. My dad just has a way of making a person feel guilty and wrong about things. Long story short: Mom called to ask if I had pudding. I said no and asked if she was going to go get some. She said she didn't think so, but what did I need if she did go. I asked for milk. She wrote it down. Then my dad gets on the phone and tells me I need to be more supportive of my mother instead of asking her to go to the grocery store for me. See, my mom has to make a decision about her job. My grandmother was in the hospital all week and is now home with oxygen. My mom may lose her job if she does not go back to work, but my grandmother isn't really well enough to stay alone. I got very angry with my dad. How dare he act like I'm ordering my mother to go to the grocery store! How dare he assume anything when he's mostly drunk and has no idea that I was talking to my mom the night before and asking if I needed to stay home with Mer? I know it's his deal and I shouldn't take it on, but being a burden to someone or asking someone to do something for me is one of my hang-ups. I don't do that. I don't ever want someone to think I've treated them badly. And here is my dad telling me that I need to be more supportive. I was angry and crying and of course the guilt starts creeping into my head. Here come the doubts: was I treating my mother wrong? Was I not being supportive enough? The answer to those questions is no. My dad just made some assumptions about me. But why make those assumptions about me? What have I done to make him think that way about me? When had I ever treated anyone that way before? Was it because my daughter spent the day down there? Was that bad? Was she in the way? Was I a bad mother because my daughter stayed down there?

Oh I was angry. And sad. And hurt. Do you see how the bad thoughts just spiral out of control for me? I somehow go from my dad being a jerk, to me being a bad daughter and a bad mother. Wow.

I called my friend Shannon because she has some dad issues like mine. I was just going to ask her to pray for my mom and her decision. She said of course she would, but right now she was going to pray with me on the phone. So she did. I just cried and cried. I want to be surrounded by people who love me like that. It's making me cry right now. I so desperately need love and support like that all the time. But I have to break this wall around me where I think I have to be put together and happy all the time. I have to reach out to the love and support that's right there waiting for me. I like the breaking wall. Of course, my wall is just barely cracking. It's hard as hell and hurts and is scary. But the love you feel after . . . it's worth it.

It's like how Jesus is waiting for us to ask Him for help, love and support. He won't ever force it on us. We must go to Him.

Thank you Shannon, for being there. Thanks for offering to pray with me on the phone. Hearing you reach out to our Lord for me - I can't explain it. I loved it. And I love you so much.

Lessons From My Daughter

Sunday

Last Sunday was another great sermon by Pastor Matt. We're going through the book of Luke. I should have written about it back then, because now I'm forgetting what struck me the deepest. It was about living well and suffering well and not being fearful of death - we need to die well too. But on the way home, Elyssa had something else to teach me. We always go through her lesson from church so we can talk about meaning and see if she understood it all. Her lesson was that God always provides what we need when we need it. She read from my Bible about how God provided a ram for Abraham so he didn't have to sacrifice his only son. She kept telling me that He knows best. He wants us to trust Him and let Him provide for us. Listening to her say that just made me pause. I said "wow" and she wanted to know what was wow. I said it's like how badly I want to be married again. But how I have to let God provide that for me - I can't go out there and make it happen right now. I need to trust Him completely with that. He will provide it when I'm ready.

Tuesday

Elyssa and I were brushing teeth and getting ready for bed. We were joking around about something and she said some idiotic comment about her not doing her homework would make me not love her. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I looked at her and said, "Really? You think something as pointless (in the grand scheme of life) as homework is going to be just the thing that makes me stop loving you? Do you know how crazy that is? Do you think there is anything out there in the world that you could do that would make my love for you go away? There is NOTHING that you could do or say that would take my love away from you."

Then I paused and slightly smiled. I could just see God up there saying - "Are you listening to yourself?" I can't completely 100% accept God's love for me because somehow I am unworthy of it? I think there's something I can do that will make God stop loving me? Does He not love me infinitely more than I could ever love Elyssa?

It's just funny how my thinking has changed in the last few weeks. My counselor has just said a few things that have struck me to my core. Like how feeling worthless is a sin because of how God feels about me. She talked about how Satan uses any old thing to keep us down because as long as we're down, God can't use us for His glory. We talked about my self-image and all the negative thoughts I have about myself. That Satan uses food to keep me down. I was like, huh? I need to look at things as a spiritual battle and see how Satan tempts me with garbage food so I'll feel bad about myself and be trapped in that value-less circle. I'd never thought about it that way. I thought temptations were super bad things, you know? But not food! I'm happy to say that I've been working with a nutritionist and for two weeks have done a great job at changing my eating habits. I've even lost about 5 pounds! When I want something bad, I think about the spiritual battle that is taking place. It's helped me a lot. Today, I again emailed my meals for the last few days to my nutritionist. Her reply was not as "hooray" as the last few emails. She's proud of my changes but picked at some of the stuff I've eaten - too much yogurt, you don't need yogurt as a dessert, that chicken you ate was bad, you need more veggies . . . . So, what did I do? Immediately go into thoughts of "I can't do this. I will never lose weight. What's the point of even trying? I'm going to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life. No man will ever love me." Sheesh! So I stopped and thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And started to feel a little better. It's just about not letting the negative thoughts take control, but putting God's truth in their place.

I think I rambled more than I meant to, but I'll leave it. Sorry that I haven't written in so long. I've been in a different place somehow. . . I don't know how to explain it. It's like learning is taking place but it's a process that's taking longer so it doesn't come out as easily. I feel like I'm making heart-changes and am just contemplative rather than expressive.

I need sleep. I'll be back soon!

Oh yeah - and I read Demon: A Memoir. It is amazing! Read it.

Yoda

You know how I love Star Wars. Every October people send me the email that shows all the pictures of dogs dressed up for Halloween. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I'll send one to you. They are funny!

People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)

God Laughs

Elyssa and I started watching Evan Almighty tonight. It's really good! The greatest part so far is when Morgan Freeman (playing God) tells Evan to build an Ark. Evan tells God that building an ark wasn't really in his plans. He had other things to do. God just laughs hysterically.

Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?

My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?

It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."

Surrender

So I have value issues. I don't think I'm valuable. I was reminded today that I have to surrender it to God. Surrender. I've never once thought about surrendering that to God. Not once have I prayed about my own value issues. Never.

I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.

Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?

I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.

Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.

What's Wrong?

People keep asking me if I'm OK. What's the deal with that? Am I OK? I think I'm OK. Who knows.

More later.

So Simple. So Profound

My counselor is having me think about my thinking. I spend so much of my time believing Satan's lies. She's having me fill out a worksheet type thing to help me change my way of listening to Satan and instead turning to God's truth.

I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.

This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.

For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.

I'M CURED!

No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.

The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.

But it's a start.

(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)

Why Counseling?

I'm so excited by my step in going to see a counselor. It went great on Friday. Most of that was just background stuff - how I grew up and all that jazz. I sound like I could be a tragic movie - adopted, alcoholic father, drug addict brother in jail, mother who was so overwhelmed by the two mess-ups in the family that there was not much time for me, grandmother who never seemed to really love me since I'm not related by blood, husband who cheated and left me. . . I could be a Lifetime movie. But I don't feel like a Lifetime movie, you know? It's just amusing to me.

Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.

Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.

So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.

1. I want to believe in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. I keep equating His love with the love I've experienced from humans. I've been let down so much. Why does He continue to love me? I know I let God down all the time. And He still loves me? Why? I know in my head that He loves me . Occasionally I know it in my heart. He shows me all the time. I wish I could tell you how often I've underlined "unfailing love" in my Bible in the last few months. He's constantly reminding me, but I'm still fighting it. Why? I want to fall deeply into His love and safety and never ever step away from it. I want His love to be enough for all time. But I'm scared to let go . . . .
2. I want to be married again so badly but I'm still broken and I believe God wants me to work on that brokenness before He will ever allow a man to join with my heart. What good will a broken heart be in a new marriage?
3. I want to stop the negative thoughts. I feel so worthless so much of the time. I hate it. I want to stop thinking horrible things about myself.
4. I know all the answers in my head. But I won't move that knowledge to my heart. Why? What is blocking that transformation?
5. I'm sick of being a people pleaser. Not that I want to stop pleasing others, but I want to stop wondering all the time what people think of me. Loving others is my nature - I want to stop wondering if they accept me. I want to stop worrying about letting others down in trivial matters.

I think that sums it up pretty well.

Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?

MEET WITH ME by Ross King (C) 1999 Ross King

I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You.
Will You come and meet with me?
I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for You to pass by,
Will You come and meet with me?

Oh, what a joy it would be,
Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord,
Oh more than anything, that’s what I long for.

Oh, what a change it would bring,
Just to look deep in the face of the King who gave all,
You gave everything so You could meet with me,
Will You meet with me?

When we got to the line of "Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord" I had to find Kleenex. That's what I long for. . . .

Slammed Upside the Head

My crazy awesome life is going well. I have things I want to write about but can't find the time to do it. Things like how God is slamming me with the truth of being content with my lot in life - even at 2 am when I get up to let the darn dog outside and click on the computer while I'm waiting, with the total intent of JUST shutting down. But, hmmm, let me quickly check a few blogs. Oh, wait, here's a new link, let's check this blog out. SLAM - "Be content with where you are Erin!" I love it that He always knows what I need to hear. There are no coincidences!

Please pray for me as I start with my counselor on Friday. I'm so ready to dig into my soul and reach for the deep real authentic life that Pastor Matt is always talking about.

Promises, Promises

Sometimes I wonder if God has these conversations with Pastor Matt and tells him what he needs to preach on because Erin needs to hear it. But I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not the only one who struggles with this crap. Why do we get like that? Believing we are beat down by something different and new and that no one would understand. It's craziness.

Matt is the greatest pastor ever in the history of the world. (OK that may be stretching it, but he really is awesome!) He loves taking us through complete books of the Bible. I started at The Village last year when he was ending up Ecclesiastes. Then he went through the book of Romans. Now he is going through the book of Luke. It's so awesome to hear connections and lessons that he can pull from the scripture. It's cool to go through a book that you've read a million times (OK maybe not millions!) and get something totally different from it.

Matt started out his sermon with how many of us don't believe the promises of God. Yeah, we read them. We understand them. We get it, cognitively. But we don't believe it. He gave 3 examples:

• God will give us an out when we are tempted - He won't give us more than we can handle. (1Cor 10:13)
• He will complete the good work that He started in us. (Philippians 1:6)
  
• "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)

I could add to that list of promises:

• For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
• Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart. (Psalm 37:4)
• God sets the lonely in families. . . . (Psalm 68:6)
• ...but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him. (Psalm 32:10)
• The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

I could go on and on. I want to believe these.

Luke 1.

Zechariah wanted proof of the promise. He was OLD. His wife was OLD. Then some angel appears and tells him he will finally get the son he has pleaded for. Zechariah wanted proof. "How can I be sure of this?"

Mary accepted that God could do anything. She is given the promise of bearing the Son of God. She asked how it will be done. She did not ask for proof. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I worked the parking lot this morning. There was this girl who was so completely and utterly happy and laughing and she just looked so pure, so confident. She was so beautiful - and it was because she was so full of joy. Her inward beauty shone out like a lighthouse. She didn't care who was around - she was letting her happiness out. We spoke as she went in to church. I had a huge smile. Later, church let out and I was back in my spot directing traffic. The girl and her boyfriend drive by and she just lights up and waves and smiles at me - like we were long lost best friends. I don't even know her name. But I want that to be me. I want the happiness that I show lots of times to be that real and that pure and not just Erin trying to be happy because everyone expects her to be.

So how does this girl and the promises of God go together? I'd be willing to bet that she believes the promises in her heart - not just in her head.

The question I wrote at the end of my notes was "Do I believe He really loves me?"

Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.

Answered Prayer

I'm a little embarrassed about this, but I'll go ahead and share because it just shows how awesome God is. The dude on myspace wanted to meet. I asked him to meet me at the movies tonight at 9:35. (I know! I know! I shouldn't meet random strangers at the movies. But I'm bored. And lonely. And wanted to go to the movies anyway!)

I decided after setting it all up that I didn't really want to do this. So I asked God to take care of it. I said something like, "God. I know I messed up. I know this is a bad idea. If You can please forgive my stupidness and take care of this situation, I would be very grateful. I don't know how You can fix it since I'm the one who kind of set it up. (Can you believe I said that? He is God, isn't He?) I'm the one who made the bad choice. I'm the one who initiated the where and when. I don't want to be rude and just back down. I know that's my people-pleasing issue. But God can you just take care of it somehow?"

The guy IMs me at around 8:00. I was getting dressed to go meet him because, in my stupidness, I didn't want to be rude. (I am a MESS!) He tells me he's not that into Jodi Foster. He never offers a different movie or a different anything else. Actually he kind of picks a fight with me over IM. I'm pretty amazed because - um - we don't know each other well enough to fight. So I tell him pretty much that I'm not the girl for him and it would be better for him to find someone else. So not only does God fix the situation tonight - He ends the whole thing! I deleted the jerk from my friend list on myspace. And I let him have it on IM that I was not going to be a doormat and I was not going to be blamed for how everyone else has treated him. And that if he didn't get his bitterness taken care of, it was going to eat him from the inside out. (Which made me think of Bleeker's song "Inside Out.")

I was yet again, trying to take the control back from God. And He, yet again, saves me from myself. Why is He so good to me over and over and over?

I want a boyfriend who becomes a husband. But this little episode again shows me that I really want it God's way. My way never works for me. My way stinks every single time. I'm glad I'm learning, but I wish I'd just get it learned already.

Made The Phone Call

Yes, I did. I called the Center for Christian Counseling. I haven't actually made an appointment, but will talk to the lady tomorrow I think. Of course, I'm already worried about that conversation. Do I call her by her first name or do I call her Dr? Sheesh!

I'm stepping in the right direction at least.

It's Too Hard

Two friends at church last night said they could tell I was sad because they could see it in my eyes.

I don't mind writing about myself - if you've read my stuff, you already know that. But I can't talk about myself. It's too hard - but not in the way you might think. (Disclaimer: the use of you below is the generic, anyone in the world, you.)

It's too hard to have you looking at me. It's too hard to because I can't edit and delete and start over. It's too hard because I get nervous and stumble over my words. It's too hard because there might be long pauses where you might think you need to fill it up with words. It's too hard because I don't know what you're thinking and I worry about that. If I'm writing, I don't have to care about what you're thinking because I don't see you. But if you're looking at me? Yikes. The worry about what you're thinking takes up the front of my brain and I can't communicate anything else because it gets shoved below the worry. It's too hard because what I'm feeling is probably stupid. In fact, I know that the things that are making me sad are stupid because they are minor things. There are others who have so much more difficult things to deal with; my stuff is trivial and actually quite selfish. It's too hard because I don't know if you really care. I mean, I know you care, but, maybe I don't understand why you care. It's too hard because if I share my heart with you out loud, you might go away. It's too hard because I love you so much and don't want you to go away.

I argued with my friends last night that I wasn't sad.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Guys Are Weird

So my myspace IMing friend has IMd me a few times. He's having a rough time with his marital situation. The cool thing is how up front I'm being about God and how He's been there for me and that maybe he should try Him too. Of course we chat about other things and it's easy to get flirty while IMing and somehow guys always have to go sexual in some way. Why is that? Oh, never mind. I know why. And to be honest, I'm sure it's not all guys. I wish I wasn't such a sucker for a good writer.

But anyway - I was very up front about how I will save all that fun stuff until I get married. I'm proud of myself for that too, because I wasn't that up front recently with another bloke because I didn't want to ruin my chances to get a kiss. I very much now wish I had ruined my chances, but you live and learn. Anyway (I keep getting off topic) I was trying to tell him that I wanted to wait because if a guy could make that kind of commitment to me and still want me - then he's a guy worth keeping. So my IM friend says, "I don't believe in that." I said, "you don't believe in what exactly?" And he replies, "We'll save that for another time. I've got to go to bed." That was quite a quick exit.

Now I'll be really surprised if I ever do hear from him again, seeing as how he knows he's not getting any from me. And I don't care one way or another - he's got way too many issues - number one being that he's still married. But it still shows how weird guys are. (I don't know if I have any male readers anymore. No offense. You're not all bad.)

This whole thing is making me remember another IM friend I had. He was separated too, but a Christian and I fell pretty hard for him. That's putting it mildly. I crashed and burned. Last December we came to the conclusion that we couldn't talk anymore because I couldn't keep it just at the friendship level and he was in no place to go over the friendship line (plus who knows if the thought ever crossed his mind anyway.) It's been almost a year. That fact amazes me. I wrote about this a lot back then, feel free to look back through my pain. I haven't been able to.

I didn't think I would be able to live with that pain. I hadn't realized how hard I had fallen. I haven't seen him since either - we used to see each other at school occasionally. I've almost seen him twice this year, but strategically kept myself out of view. He was also at Wal-mart right before school started - his son came to say hi to me. Holy crap - did I try to go where I didn't think he'd go. I kept looking around, but also trying to hide. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want him to see me - it was comical. I don't know how to look him in the face. I've never fallen for someone and let him know about it and been rejected. Actually, I haven't fallen that hard very many times in my life. I felt like this guy knew me better than anyone ever did - ever. I opened my heart and then had to retreat. Wow that hurt. I've gotten very nostalgic about him. I wonder if he's OK. I hope his heart healed from his broken marriage. I wish something could happen between us. I keep hoping that someday he'll contact me again. It's a silly hope. He didn't feel the same way about me. I accept that now. But every time the phone rings and I don't recognize the number - a crazy hope overtakes me that it'll be him. He's like the first face that pops into my head. It's weird because it's been a year!

Which brings me to the point of this post. IM is very dangerous for me. I totally let my heart go out to the first guy. He was always a perfect gentleman - only slightly flirty, which of course I always second-guessed because I wasn't sure if he really was being flirty or if I just was hoping that he was. (He probably wasn't at all. I'm the one who had feelings - not him.) We filled an emotional need for each other. That's the dangerous part. Then there was this friend of a friend who I liked recently. And now I have this new IM friend who is very needy emotionally. But I'm very aware of the emotional trap that IM can lead to. I still think it's fun, but I hope I'm doing a better job at being guarded. I don't want to fall for someone this way again. It's too painful.

I'm not sure why I just rambled out that whole story. Except that my memories are all rushing up to the front and I wish for things that will never happen. But it's all in God's hands. He knows who is right for me. I just wonder why, after a year, the feelings haven't just gone away. Why are they still so near the surface? Then of course, I drift off into the "wouldn't that be the greatest story? How I liked him all this time and he liked me too but wanted to heal from his heartbreak and how we became friends again and fell in love. . . ."

It would be a great story.

He's Listening

Funny how God works. My rant yesterday (about being trapped by negative feelings) was answered today. A friend (thanks Lisa) sent me an email newsletter she got and this was the beginning:

Become a Strong Woman Who Rises to Fight

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Holly Wagner's new book, Warrior Chicks, (Regal, 2007).

Life is full of crises that can defeat you if you go through them passively. But no matter what type of crisis comes your way -- a scary medical diagnosis, an unexpected financial burden, a painful broken relationship -- you can emerge victorious if you rise to fight.

Here's how you can become a warrior who taps into the power to overcome anything:

Believe that you're beautiful. Combat the lie that the culture often perpetuates -- that you're not beautiful enough and must constantly work to hide your flaws. Embrace the truth that you're beautiful just as you are, because God made you that way on purpose. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you. Instead of comparing yourself to others, be grateful for your uniquely beautiful features. Live in the confidence of God's love for you.

Now does this mean I am magically fixed? Of course not. But if I start praying to see myself as God sees me, maybe I'll be stepping in the right direction. It's just so hard! We're slammed by the media with the ideal visual and I'm not there. I'll never be there. Ever. So in the world's eyes - I'm not ideal. I just have to not care about the world, which is much easier said than done.

The Crazy Circle

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets swallowed up in negative thoughts about myself? Do you guys do that? Do you constantly think horrible thoughts about yourself? I know the idea has been raised many times that I should seek counseling. Have I done anything about it? No. Why not? Fear. What exactly am I afraid of? Being seen as weak in front of someone. Ah-ha - I would worry about what they think of me. Holy crap. It is a crazy circle.

But I'm also a bit bothered about the hate feelings that welled up inside me yesterday. Where did those come from? It's been 4 years. Yes, I've been angry with X since then, but I've forgiven him. I feel like I've forgiven him. Wouldn't I know if I haven't? Maybe it's because they are having another baby? Ugh. Who knows.

The myspace guy IMd Nire today. It was nothing - just telling her about a Star Wars game coming out soon. No hello or anything. He sent her a link. How does Nire feel? Totally relieved. She doesn't care if he ever IMs her again - at least she knows he is not consumed with hatred for her. Sheesh.

Last night, after dumping my stuff on here, I decided to give God some time. I've been neglecting Him recently. I prayed - "God, please speak to me. I need something to help me see the truth." The next Psalm I was to read was 77. I know it's long. I would summarize, but I won't do it justice.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Did you catch verse 8? "Has His unfailing love vanished forever?" I'm always questioning God's unfailing love. (Why?) Then in verse 12, Asaph turns himself around. He thinks to himself, "Wait - let's just spend a few seconds thinking about all the things God HAS done." I did that a little last night - God's been AMAZING to me. So why do I continue to question?

But it's funny - I question whether everyone likes me or not. Where does this lack of self-worth come from? I think people would describe me as confident. I hide my insecurity very well. You, right now, reading this? I've probably asked myself if you really liked me. I've probably uttered the words, "I don't think she/he likes me at all." Sad, right? Why? It does kind of make sense that I question why God would continue to like me if I wonder about my best friends from time to time. Heck, best friends? Try all humans! Notice a pattern? Why do I need constant reassurance from others? Why do I try to do everything I can so others will like me? Does it come from being adopted? Do I feel abandoned since birth? Does it come from having an alcoholic father and a drug addict for a brother? Does it come from having a mom who was crazy over the other two that I never felt like I got much attention? Or a grandmother who always says I'm her granddaughter - but not by blood? Does it come from having a spouse who abandons me for another woman?

Yeah, yeah. I already know what you're thinking. "It's called counseling, stupid." But we've already covered that fear.

The thing is - I don't feel hopeless. Not at all. I don't even feel very sad at this moment. I just question everyone's motives. I'm not sure why people like me. I really and truly don't need your reassurance that you really really do like me. On some level - I totally and honestly know that. But there's always this little thing that pops up from time to time where I go through a wondering faze.

Ugh. I need sleep.

Frustration

I don't even know how to explain my frustration without making it sound trivial. Right there - that tells me it shouldn't be a problem. I'm the one making it a problem.

Let's just say there's this girl. We'll call her Nire. She somehow hurts some guy's feelings, but really not because he's the one with the issues. Nire doesn't even know this guy - at all - just chatted with him from myspace. (Nire think myspace is from the devil. Ha.) The guy is super sensitive she supposes - going through a divorce does that to you. (Disclaimer - Nire knows it could all be a fabrication - it is the internet - but let's just give him the benefit of the doubt.) Nire makes it clear to him that she could not get involved with anyone who was still legally married (not that she'd get involved with anyone from myspace anyway, but there has got to be Christians out there somewhere). But chatting with him is fun. He flips out, talking about how he feels like he's an outcast, everyone runs from him when they hear he's separated, blah, blah, blah. Nire is very surprised by the outburst and tries to apologize for hurting his feelings. She didn't mean to. She never thought he had the plague or whatever he was ranting about. But he won't really accept her apology - wouldn't respond to her email. It bugs the crap out of Nire.

The frustration is because I care too much about what people think about me - even strangers! (Surprise - I'm Nire. Oh, you already figured that out? I haven't written in code for so long - I'm surprised that one didn't work.) Here is a total stranger that I don't even care about and I'm bothered because I somehow upset him. It's bothered me all day. I've said my piece to him but I'm still bugged by it. Why? Why am I still bugged?

I even told my friends Debbie and Shannon at church that I feel so guilty every time I see a person who works in the nursery. I stepped down (oh all right - quit) working in the nursery because it was stressing me out. Kids all day. Kid at home. Kids on the weekend. I hated it. But when I'd see someone from the nursery, I just knew they were thinking bad things about me - Erin the quitter - and talking about me. I just felt covered in guilt for not following through on huge need at church. Debbie and Shannon both looked at me like I was crazy - Debbie refreshed my memory that it's totally Satan trying to mess with me. But I don't want people to think badly of me. Sheesh - this is actually bringing tears!

It was a strange day. There is this wonderful lady at school who recently went through the falling apart of her marriage. It was for the same reasons that mine fell apart. Well, her almost ex husband came to school today to eat lunch with their kids. When I saw him, all this crap welled up inside me. I felt hatred toward this man that I really don't even know! Like all the angry feelings I felt for my ex when I was in the midst of the worst pain came rushing to the surface. It was strange. He waved and smiled at me (I taught their son) and I had to force myself to wave back. Where did that come from? It left me kind of defeated feeling.

I'm sure it's because I haven't made God important the last few days. I was exhausted this weekend and took a nap Sunday. Totally slept through church! So I didn't even get my weekend boost. I have issues I need to deal with - that's what Shannon would tell me. I could cry right now and I'm not really sure why.

Why can't nice guys from church talk to me? Losers seem to have no problem. Creepy guys seem to have no problem. Nice guys who aren't Godly seem to have no problem.

My focus is wrong again. I know. I know. I know. UGH!

Psalm 45:11 The King is enthralled by my beauty - The King. He's the one who matters. Abba Father - help me. Please?

More Proof

It's just so sad. It's such a true statement of our worldly world.

I was reading people.com today at lunch, as I do every day. (Don't judge me!) I came across an article that described Pamela Anderson's take on the fight between her two ex's at the VMAs - Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Blah, blah, blah, who cares. But one sentence popped out. She was on Ellen DeGeneres recently and Ellen asked her if she was involved with anyone now.

"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," Anderson told DeGeneres. "It's so romantic. It's romance."

She paid off a poker debt with sex and it was romantic? I'm confused. I'm so very confused.

It's just more proof to me that I want none of that. I want to wait. I think, after my most recent escapade, that kissing will most likely be off limits for quite a while. I want it God's way. I won't settle for anything less. He is enthralled with my beauty and I will honor Him.

Enthralled By My Beauty

Every woman who reads this will totally know what I'm saying. You have the days where you just think to yourself - I'm fat, ugly and no one will ever love me. Right? We've all done it.

I copied this verse on a post-it note and taped it to my mirror. I read it every time I look in the mirror. I'm inhaling it into my very soul. I want to believe it. You should too.

Psalm 45:11
The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord.

Enthralled - do you get the power behind that word? It means being held spellbound or captive. To be enslaved. To be filled with wonder and delight.

Our King is enthralled by each and every one of us. Enthralled, ladies. Completely enthralled.

I want to give Him my honor. I want to give Him my purity. He is all that matters and He is enthralled - by my beauty! Feels good. :-)

Hey Erin - You Listening?

Most of you know I've been struggling with a temptation recently. The thought that has gone through my mind is that everyone else has done it, so why can't I? Everyone else has their "fun" and has survived so - why can't I? Why do I have to make the right choice? My body is telling me one thing - my mind another - and my heart knows the truth. But ~ I want what I want.

I think we all have a struggle with something. And it can change to a different struggle over time. I think we try to hide these struggles from everyone because either we're that prideful or we're that ashamed (which is actually just another form of pride).

I've been very much up and down in my decision making process. I've made up my mind that I'm going to go ahead and do what I want if the opportunity presents itself. I've been back to I'll wait. I've thought about doing what I want again. At this moment, I KNOW I don't want to be used - and that's a big improvement! It's not my intent to do the wrong thing.

A few days ago I bought the new Casting Crowns CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet - Elyssa makes me listen to High School Musical 2 every time we're in the car. But I think it's because God wanted me to really hear a song today, when it was just me, quiet in the car. I'll paste the lyrics here, but you need to listen to it sometime. It's worth thinking about. Our downfall is many times just a slow fade.

Slow Fade/Casting Crowns/The Altar & The Door
Be careful little eyes what you see
It’s the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings.
Be careful little feet where you go
For it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises leave broken hearts astray

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see

First Day of School

Proudly showing the new backpack.

Can you see some of my Star Wars stuff in the background?

Look at my second grader!

Smart Friends

I have the best friends. One of my friends wrote me the greatest thing today and I wanted to share it. I've changed some names to protect the innocent.

it's not the guy you like at all. and as for that, i think you are better off this way. i love the guy you like and i still think he's a good guy, but just not the guy for you. i watched a video thing the other night at church and it made me think of our similar desires~marriage and baby. the guy that spoke created veggie tales. he talked about how he created this multi- million dollar company and thought he was doing good because it was all for God (teaching about Christ etc). well, he ended up going bankrupt after a series of events. all the while he was wondering why God wasn't stepping in to save him. after all, he was working to bring people to God. Anyway, his point at the end was that he had let his dream of creating this huge company with all it's productions become more important to him than God. Even though the whole purpose behind his company's goal was to teach about Christ, he had let the dream become more important. he put his relationship with God on the back burner. he said anything we are unwilling to let go of is an idol that we are choosing to worship instead of focusing on HIM. This part hit me really hard~~~~~ Give it all to God. Remain faithful to Him and realize (no matter how crappy or painful..this is my addition) that He may or may not realize your dream but that's ok because you have God. God didn't realize your dream with the guy you liked because He knew it wasn't right for you. He knows your desires and He will fulfill them. I hold that truth close to my heart. I know one day you will be find Mr. Right and one day I will have another child. It may not be the person or the path that WE would have chosen, but what do we know, right?!!

My pastor talks about how we hold some things tightly in our hands and that's making it an idol. I've got to learn to unclench my fist.

First Day Back

I miss my summer.

Got to school at 7:55 am.

Left school at 8:55 pm.

What the heck?

The Dark is Rising

New movie coming out based on Susan Cooper's book The Dark is Rising. Maybe you've heard of the first one in the series - Over Sea, Under Stone. They were written in the 70s. I wanted to read them before the movie comes out. I was reading last night and two quotes jumped out at me.

"He must not only be very brave, he must really love you as if he were your son," said Will, "to do things like this for you and the Light."
"But still he is only a man," said Merriman, and his voice was rough and the pain back deep in his face. "And he loves as a man, requiring proof of love in return."

This is my trap - loving as a human. Demanding proof of love in return.

The other quote illustrates temptation so well.

"So it will go," Merriman said. "He will have a sweet picture of the Dark to attract him, as men so often do, and beside it he will set all the demands of the Light, which are heavy and always will be. All the while he will be nursing his resentment of the way I might have had him give up his life without reward. You can be sure the Dark makes no sign of demanding any such thing - yet. Indeed, its lords never risk demanding death, but only offer a black life. . . ."

Something to think about.

Like A Child

Why do we drift so far from God? Even when we know we're doing it, but can't seem to turn it back. Even when we know how horrible we feel - even when we know we're unhappy - we still step away from Him.

I go to the greatest church of all time. Our pastor is amazing - so very real. He reminded me of something on Sunday.

As parents, there are times we deny our children things. Maybe it's candy before dinner or a new toy. Maybe it's telling her to get out of the pool now or leave a friend's house. My pastor's example was telling your child not to walk on the back of the couch that's right in front of a big window. But you know how when you do it - when you say no - you get that look from your child like you are stealing her joy? Your child thinks you are the most heartless, awful person in the world. How could you deny your child this happiness? You deny her that happiness, because you, the parent, see the bigger picture. You want to increase her joy later in life. You know that candy before dinner is not healthy. You know that falling through a window brings huge pain. You know more than your child.

Is our Heavenly Father any less knowledgeable? He knows the window is dangerous. He knows you will be cut to ribbons if you fall through it. He knows if you date the wrong person - the pain will be almost unbearable. He knows these things will hurt, so He graciously denies us these things. We, the children, throw tantrums. I know I do. We can't see past right now.

I want to remember this lesson. Lord, help me remember. I've been so unhappy for the last month. Maybe I didn't know how unhappy I was until just recently, but my focus has been wrong and it's been wearing me down.

I have a problem. I think that I should be better than this. It reminds me of Anakin in Star Wars. (Go ahead and sigh. I don't blame you. I'm a freak!) Anakin tells Padme in Episode II that he killed all the Sand People - women and children too. He was consumed by anger. She tells him that being angry is being human. He says, "I am a Jedi. I can be better than this." I think somewhere in my brain I have a plaque that reads, "I am a Christian. I can be better than this." Maybe my expectations are too high? I think when I fail, I don't deserve to be taken back. Or I don't understand somehow why I am being given another chance. Or I don't get why He wants me back after I've let Him down so many times. Why does He still love me even when I screw up in the same way over and over? Does that make sense?

I had a friend that I wrote with a lot last year. He had a great way of pointing out - God's showing Erin that He loves her again. It was just cool. I'm not sure why I can't just get it. Then I get upset because I think I should be getting it by now and the whole cycle starts again. You fail people too many times and they don't love you any more. You don't get chances over and over again with humans. Why can't I get that God is different than that?

Yeah, I know - CALL THE COUNSELOR!

Apologies

My words hurt people and I don't even mean it that way. I'm so selfish right now. I'm so sorry.

I think it best if I chill out for awhile and not dump out my whole heart here. Because, honestly, what purpose is it serving? Maybe it helps me to unload, but if what I'm saying is hurting my best friends - making them think things or doubt me - it's not worth it.

I'm done for awhile.

(OK - so it was for a very short while. But I am going to try to stop unleashing the depths of my heart. I don't think that's good for anyone. But I also don't know if I can actually stop writing that way. It's what I do. I just don't know.)

Too Much

Lots of anguish last night. I should stop writing in public when I'm feeling like that. I did spend lots of time writing, praying and reading with God last night. I actually threw my journal across the room - it was a strange feeling. I've never done that before. It crumpled some pages. I couldn't leave it that way for long - that's just being mean to the poor book.

I don't know that I'm in a better spot just yet. At home group tonight, some ladies were talking about accepting that God may want us single. I felt like God was just throwing it up in my face again. I hate hearing that. I hate thinking like that. I don't like it. It makes me mad. Why would God choose that for me? And if He did want that for me - why would He make me desire a husband so badly?

I wrote about Hind's Feet - the book we're reading. One lady pointed out the following paragraph. I remember reading it and thinking, "That just plain sucks."

It is God's will that some of His children should learn this deep union with Himself through the perfect flowering of natural human love in marriage. For others it is equally His will that the same perfect union should be learned through the experience of learning to lay down completely this natural and instinctive desire for marriage and parenthood, and accept the circumstances of life which deny them this experience. This instinct for love, so firmly implanted in the human heart, is the supreme way by which we learn to desire and love God Himself above all else.

It's not fair. I'm supposed to be married. Stupid X is the one who cheated. Not me. It wasn't me who wanted out. I'm supposed to be married right now - not single. Not lonely. Not by myself. So how is that fair? How is that good? How is that working for the good of those who love Christ? It doesn't fit. It just doesn't.

I fear that I will never accept that God wants me single. I don't want to accept it. I don't. Not at all.

I don't want to be single.

So Explain It

I don't get it.

Yipee - God answered one prayer super fast. He sure is amazing, isn't He? (Lightning is going to strike me dead if I don't quite yelling at Him.) Tell me why He won't answer the rest of them? I've prayed for a husband. Nothing. I've prayed to not be lonely anymore. Nothing. I've prayed to be happy with my place. Nothing. I've prayed to be accepting. Nothing. I've prayed to not care. Nothing. I've prayed that I'll look at what I've got instead of what I don't have. Nothing. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I stopped praying. Nothing. I ask for something drastic so I won't like a guy - and THAT one He answers immediately.

Explain it to me because I just don't get it.

I hate where I am right now. Hate it. Hate it with all my being. Hate feeling stupid. Hate getting my hope up. Hate caring. Hate pretending I don't care. Hate feeling helpless. Hate knowing that for the 5 million good women, there are maybe 2 good men out there. Hate that I don't feel I have one single special thing to offer anyone. Hate that I can't talk to people I don't know. Hate hate hate crying. Hate being selfish. Hate it all. I won't say I hate myself - but I'm not real fond of me right now.

You'll tell me to let it go. You'll tell me to lay it at the cross. Maybe I'm just stupid. I thought I did that. I must be stupid because I just can't do it right. So what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

I Asked For It

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

I finally prayed about it last night. I said, "God - You are going to have to do something drastic because I don't want to stop liking him."

This morning, my friend tells me that he is taking a job with his company where he will go out of the country for two months.

I don't want to hear any crap about "it's for the best" or anything like that. It just goes to prove the God doesn't want me to have any fun. (OK - I don't really mean that, but it's how I feel right now.)

This stinks. And I feel stupid for being upset at all. It was one freakin' date!

Can I say it one more time - I HATE DATING!

Are You There, Erin?

Funny how I can ignore God for a few minutes (days/whatever) but He won't stay gone long. I've been thinking about something lately and just haven't been able to really pray about it. So this comes by email today.

Untangling Life's Knots
by Max Lucado

It’s your best friend’s wedding. “I’ll take care of the reception,” you’d volunteered. You planned the best party possible. You hired the band, rented the hall, catered the meal, decorated the room, and asked your Aunt Bertha to bake the cake.

Now the band is playing and the guests are milling, but Aunt Bertha is nowhere to be seen. Everything is here but the cake. You sneak over to the pay phone and dial her number. She’s been taking a nap. She thought the wedding was next week.

Oh boy! Now what do you do? Talk about a problem! Everything is here but the cake …

Sound familiar?

It might. It’s exactly the dilemma Jesus’ mother, Mary, was facing. Back then, wine was to a wedding what cake is to a wedding today.

What Mary faced was a social problem. No need to call 911, but no way to sweep the embarrassment under the rug, either.

When you think about it, most of the problems we face are of the same caliber. We’re late for a meeting. We leave something at the office. A coworker forgets a report. Mail gets lost. Traffic gets snarled. The waves rocking our lives are not life threatening yet. But they can be. A poor response to a simple problem can light a fuse.

For that reason you might want to note how Mary reacted. Her solution poses a practical plan for untangling life’s knots. “They have no more wine,” she told Jesus (John 2:3). That’s it. That’s all she said. She didn’t go ballistic. She simply assessed the problem and gave it to Christ.

It’s so easy to focus on everything but the solution. Mary didn’t do that. She simply looked at the knot, assessed it, and took it to the right person. “I’ve got one here I can’t untie, Jesus.”

“When all the wine was gone Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine’” (John 2:3).

Please note, she took the problem to Jesus before she took it to anyone else. A friend told me about a tense deacons’ meeting he attended. Apparently there was more agitation than agreement, and after a lengthy discussion, someone suggested, “Why don’t we pray about it?” to which another questioned, “Has it come to that?”

What causes us to think of prayer as the last option rather than the first?

Simpsonized!

Elyssa
Erin

Stuck

Do you ever get to a place in your life where you know you need to be talking to God about your crap, but you aren't sure how to broach the subject with Him?

It's the weirdest feeling. I know I need to talk to Him. I know that He already knows what I need to talk about. But I'm just having a hard time doing it. It's so strange. It's like I know it in my head, but won't let go of my heart. I know He's there. But I don't let myself feel Him there.

I've been able to talk about it with a few friends. Here I am writing about it - kind of - no details on this one, sorry. But there's something holding me back from talking about it with God. I know the right thing to do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I want to do what I want to do. But I also don't want to abuse His grace. But I know what He'll say and I don't want to hear it. Not right now. Avoiding Him is not working out for me too well. Somehow He always pops up.

AUGH!

Good Thing

I guess it's a good thing that school starts soon.

I AM SO BORED!

Stupid X

I have to share a new Stupid X story.

When I was driving back to the airport in Chicago, X calls. He starts rambling on about something and then asks me if I had ever though of making a big move?

I said, "Huh?"

He rambles some more - something about how when my dad and grandma die, my mom will most likely live with me. Did I think it might be possible that we'd make a big move - like away from Texas?

I said, "Huh?"

I asked him if they were thinking about moving to New York. That's where they are both from - Stanton Island. (Why'd I marry a Yankee? Sheesh!) He is feuding with his family so he doesn't speak to them at all. He doesn't allow Elyssa to see her grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins. Isn't that sad? All of the wife's family is up there. There's really no point in them being down here. So they are talking about moving.

He's asking me if I'll move to New York also! Can you believe it? "Sure, I'd love to leave everything I know and move. I'll leave my job and my friends and my church to go live in a place that costs more to live where I will know no one and where it's very doubtful that I would be able to get a teaching job and where almost everyone is Catholic (no offense to all you real Catholics out there). That sounds like a great plan! And I know my mom is just dying to leave the only place she's ever lived and move up north" Ha.

I just don't get him sometimes. Of course, my first thought of him moving is that I'd hardly ever have to see him. Yipee! Then I had the selfish (very selfish) thought of how I'd never get a break from parenting. Then I thought about how devastated Elyssa will be if this happens. She's got a step-sister she loves and a half sister who is only one. They are pregnant again - did I ever mention that? So that'll be 3 siblings that she will never get to see. They will grow up as a little family and Elyssa will be the outsider. It makes me want to cry. I don't worry about her going up there for extended periods of time - he won't keep her an entire month. She'd go for a few weeks at the start of summer and then again at the end of summer. I can totally handle that. But she'll be an outsider over time. She doesn't deserve that. She didn't ask for this. You know?

Poor kid.