Phone Prayer

Have you ever had someone pray for you over the phone? Tonight was the first time that's ever been offered to me.

I was having a bad moment because of my dad. My dad just has a way of making a person feel guilty and wrong about things. Long story short: Mom called to ask if I had pudding. I said no and asked if she was going to go get some. She said she didn't think so, but what did I need if she did go. I asked for milk. She wrote it down. Then my dad gets on the phone and tells me I need to be more supportive of my mother instead of asking her to go to the grocery store for me. See, my mom has to make a decision about her job. My grandmother was in the hospital all week and is now home with oxygen. My mom may lose her job if she does not go back to work, but my grandmother isn't really well enough to stay alone. I got very angry with my dad. How dare he act like I'm ordering my mother to go to the grocery store! How dare he assume anything when he's mostly drunk and has no idea that I was talking to my mom the night before and asking if I needed to stay home with Mer? I know it's his deal and I shouldn't take it on, but being a burden to someone or asking someone to do something for me is one of my hang-ups. I don't do that. I don't ever want someone to think I've treated them badly. And here is my dad telling me that I need to be more supportive. I was angry and crying and of course the guilt starts creeping into my head. Here come the doubts: was I treating my mother wrong? Was I not being supportive enough? The answer to those questions is no. My dad just made some assumptions about me. But why make those assumptions about me? What have I done to make him think that way about me? When had I ever treated anyone that way before? Was it because my daughter spent the day down there? Was that bad? Was she in the way? Was I a bad mother because my daughter stayed down there?

Oh I was angry. And sad. And hurt. Do you see how the bad thoughts just spiral out of control for me? I somehow go from my dad being a jerk, to me being a bad daughter and a bad mother. Wow.

I called my friend Shannon because she has some dad issues like mine. I was just going to ask her to pray for my mom and her decision. She said of course she would, but right now she was going to pray with me on the phone. So she did. I just cried and cried. I want to be surrounded by people who love me like that. It's making me cry right now. I so desperately need love and support like that all the time. But I have to break this wall around me where I think I have to be put together and happy all the time. I have to reach out to the love and support that's right there waiting for me. I like the breaking wall. Of course, my wall is just barely cracking. It's hard as hell and hurts and is scary. But the love you feel after . . . it's worth it.

It's like how Jesus is waiting for us to ask Him for help, love and support. He won't ever force it on us. We must go to Him.

Thank you Shannon, for being there. Thanks for offering to pray with me on the phone. Hearing you reach out to our Lord for me - I can't explain it. I loved it. And I love you so much.

Lessons From My Daughter

Sunday

Last Sunday was another great sermon by Pastor Matt. We're going through the book of Luke. I should have written about it back then, because now I'm forgetting what struck me the deepest. It was about living well and suffering well and not being fearful of death - we need to die well too. But on the way home, Elyssa had something else to teach me. We always go through her lesson from church so we can talk about meaning and see if she understood it all. Her lesson was that God always provides what we need when we need it. She read from my Bible about how God provided a ram for Abraham so he didn't have to sacrifice his only son. She kept telling me that He knows best. He wants us to trust Him and let Him provide for us. Listening to her say that just made me pause. I said "wow" and she wanted to know what was wow. I said it's like how badly I want to be married again. But how I have to let God provide that for me - I can't go out there and make it happen right now. I need to trust Him completely with that. He will provide it when I'm ready.

Tuesday

Elyssa and I were brushing teeth and getting ready for bed. We were joking around about something and she said some idiotic comment about her not doing her homework would make me not love her. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I looked at her and said, "Really? You think something as pointless (in the grand scheme of life) as homework is going to be just the thing that makes me stop loving you? Do you know how crazy that is? Do you think there is anything out there in the world that you could do that would make my love for you go away? There is NOTHING that you could do or say that would take my love away from you."

Then I paused and slightly smiled. I could just see God up there saying - "Are you listening to yourself?" I can't completely 100% accept God's love for me because somehow I am unworthy of it? I think there's something I can do that will make God stop loving me? Does He not love me infinitely more than I could ever love Elyssa?

It's just funny how my thinking has changed in the last few weeks. My counselor has just said a few things that have struck me to my core. Like how feeling worthless is a sin because of how God feels about me. She talked about how Satan uses any old thing to keep us down because as long as we're down, God can't use us for His glory. We talked about my self-image and all the negative thoughts I have about myself. That Satan uses food to keep me down. I was like, huh? I need to look at things as a spiritual battle and see how Satan tempts me with garbage food so I'll feel bad about myself and be trapped in that value-less circle. I'd never thought about it that way. I thought temptations were super bad things, you know? But not food! I'm happy to say that I've been working with a nutritionist and for two weeks have done a great job at changing my eating habits. I've even lost about 5 pounds! When I want something bad, I think about the spiritual battle that is taking place. It's helped me a lot. Today, I again emailed my meals for the last few days to my nutritionist. Her reply was not as "hooray" as the last few emails. She's proud of my changes but picked at some of the stuff I've eaten - too much yogurt, you don't need yogurt as a dessert, that chicken you ate was bad, you need more veggies . . . . So, what did I do? Immediately go into thoughts of "I can't do this. I will never lose weight. What's the point of even trying? I'm going to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life. No man will ever love me." Sheesh! So I stopped and thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And started to feel a little better. It's just about not letting the negative thoughts take control, but putting God's truth in their place.

I think I rambled more than I meant to, but I'll leave it. Sorry that I haven't written in so long. I've been in a different place somehow. . . I don't know how to explain it. It's like learning is taking place but it's a process that's taking longer so it doesn't come out as easily. I feel like I'm making heart-changes and am just contemplative rather than expressive.

I need sleep. I'll be back soon!

Oh yeah - and I read Demon: A Memoir. It is amazing! Read it.

Yoda

You know how I love Star Wars. Every October people send me the email that shows all the pictures of dogs dressed up for Halloween. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I'll send one to you. They are funny!

People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)

God Laughs

Elyssa and I started watching Evan Almighty tonight. It's really good! The greatest part so far is when Morgan Freeman (playing God) tells Evan to build an Ark. Evan tells God that building an ark wasn't really in his plans. He had other things to do. God just laughs hysterically.

Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?

My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?

It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."

Surrender

So I have value issues. I don't think I'm valuable. I was reminded today that I have to surrender it to God. Surrender. I've never once thought about surrendering that to God. Not once have I prayed about my own value issues. Never.

I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.

Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?

I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.

Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.

What's Wrong?

People keep asking me if I'm OK. What's the deal with that? Am I OK? I think I'm OK. Who knows.

More later.

So Simple. So Profound

My counselor is having me think about my thinking. I spend so much of my time believing Satan's lies. She's having me fill out a worksheet type thing to help me change my way of listening to Satan and instead turning to God's truth.

I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.

This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.

For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.

I'M CURED!

No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.

The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.

But it's a start.

(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)

Why Counseling?

I'm so excited by my step in going to see a counselor. It went great on Friday. Most of that was just background stuff - how I grew up and all that jazz. I sound like I could be a tragic movie - adopted, alcoholic father, drug addict brother in jail, mother who was so overwhelmed by the two mess-ups in the family that there was not much time for me, grandmother who never seemed to really love me since I'm not related by blood, husband who cheated and left me. . . I could be a Lifetime movie. But I don't feel like a Lifetime movie, you know? It's just amusing to me.

Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.

Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.

So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.

1. I want to believe in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. I keep equating His love with the love I've experienced from humans. I've been let down so much. Why does He continue to love me? I know I let God down all the time. And He still loves me? Why? I know in my head that He loves me . Occasionally I know it in my heart. He shows me all the time. I wish I could tell you how often I've underlined "unfailing love" in my Bible in the last few months. He's constantly reminding me, but I'm still fighting it. Why? I want to fall deeply into His love and safety and never ever step away from it. I want His love to be enough for all time. But I'm scared to let go . . . .
2. I want to be married again so badly but I'm still broken and I believe God wants me to work on that brokenness before He will ever allow a man to join with my heart. What good will a broken heart be in a new marriage?
3. I want to stop the negative thoughts. I feel so worthless so much of the time. I hate it. I want to stop thinking horrible things about myself.
4. I know all the answers in my head. But I won't move that knowledge to my heart. Why? What is blocking that transformation?
5. I'm sick of being a people pleaser. Not that I want to stop pleasing others, but I want to stop wondering all the time what people think of me. Loving others is my nature - I want to stop wondering if they accept me. I want to stop worrying about letting others down in trivial matters.

I think that sums it up pretty well.

Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?

MEET WITH ME by Ross King (C) 1999 Ross King

I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You.
Will You come and meet with me?
I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for You to pass by,
Will You come and meet with me?

Oh, what a joy it would be,
Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord,
Oh more than anything, that’s what I long for.

Oh, what a change it would bring,
Just to look deep in the face of the King who gave all,
You gave everything so You could meet with me,
Will You meet with me?

When we got to the line of "Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord" I had to find Kleenex. That's what I long for. . . .

Slammed Upside the Head

My crazy awesome life is going well. I have things I want to write about but can't find the time to do it. Things like how God is slamming me with the truth of being content with my lot in life - even at 2 am when I get up to let the darn dog outside and click on the computer while I'm waiting, with the total intent of JUST shutting down. But, hmmm, let me quickly check a few blogs. Oh, wait, here's a new link, let's check this blog out. SLAM - "Be content with where you are Erin!" I love it that He always knows what I need to hear. There are no coincidences!

Please pray for me as I start with my counselor on Friday. I'm so ready to dig into my soul and reach for the deep real authentic life that Pastor Matt is always talking about.

Promises, Promises

Sometimes I wonder if God has these conversations with Pastor Matt and tells him what he needs to preach on because Erin needs to hear it. But I guess the truth of the matter is that I'm not the only one who struggles with this crap. Why do we get like that? Believing we are beat down by something different and new and that no one would understand. It's craziness.

Matt is the greatest pastor ever in the history of the world. (OK that may be stretching it, but he really is awesome!) He loves taking us through complete books of the Bible. I started at The Village last year when he was ending up Ecclesiastes. Then he went through the book of Romans. Now he is going through the book of Luke. It's so awesome to hear connections and lessons that he can pull from the scripture. It's cool to go through a book that you've read a million times (OK maybe not millions!) and get something totally different from it.

Matt started out his sermon with how many of us don't believe the promises of God. Yeah, we read them. We understand them. We get it, cognitively. But we don't believe it. He gave 3 examples:

• God will give us an out when we are tempted - He won't give us more than we can handle. (1Cor 10:13)
• He will complete the good work that He started in us. (Philippians 1:6)
  
• "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28)

I could add to that list of promises:

• For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
• Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your Heart. (Psalm 37:4)
• God sets the lonely in families. . . . (Psalm 68:6)
• ...but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him. (Psalm 32:10)
• The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

I could go on and on. I want to believe these.

Luke 1.

Zechariah wanted proof of the promise. He was OLD. His wife was OLD. Then some angel appears and tells him he will finally get the son he has pleaded for. Zechariah wanted proof. "How can I be sure of this?"

Mary accepted that God could do anything. She is given the promise of bearing the Son of God. She asked how it will be done. She did not ask for proof. "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I worked the parking lot this morning. There was this girl who was so completely and utterly happy and laughing and she just looked so pure, so confident. She was so beautiful - and it was because she was so full of joy. Her inward beauty shone out like a lighthouse. She didn't care who was around - she was letting her happiness out. We spoke as she went in to church. I had a huge smile. Later, church let out and I was back in my spot directing traffic. The girl and her boyfriend drive by and she just lights up and waves and smiles at me - like we were long lost best friends. I don't even know her name. But I want that to be me. I want the happiness that I show lots of times to be that real and that pure and not just Erin trying to be happy because everyone expects her to be.

So how does this girl and the promises of God go together? I'd be willing to bet that she believes the promises in her heart - not just in her head.

The question I wrote at the end of my notes was "Do I believe He really loves me?"

Luke 1:37
For nothing is impossible with God.

Answered Prayer

I'm a little embarrassed about this, but I'll go ahead and share because it just shows how awesome God is. The dude on myspace wanted to meet. I asked him to meet me at the movies tonight at 9:35. (I know! I know! I shouldn't meet random strangers at the movies. But I'm bored. And lonely. And wanted to go to the movies anyway!)

I decided after setting it all up that I didn't really want to do this. So I asked God to take care of it. I said something like, "God. I know I messed up. I know this is a bad idea. If You can please forgive my stupidness and take care of this situation, I would be very grateful. I don't know how You can fix it since I'm the one who kind of set it up. (Can you believe I said that? He is God, isn't He?) I'm the one who made the bad choice. I'm the one who initiated the where and when. I don't want to be rude and just back down. I know that's my people-pleasing issue. But God can you just take care of it somehow?"

The guy IMs me at around 8:00. I was getting dressed to go meet him because, in my stupidness, I didn't want to be rude. (I am a MESS!) He tells me he's not that into Jodi Foster. He never offers a different movie or a different anything else. Actually he kind of picks a fight with me over IM. I'm pretty amazed because - um - we don't know each other well enough to fight. So I tell him pretty much that I'm not the girl for him and it would be better for him to find someone else. So not only does God fix the situation tonight - He ends the whole thing! I deleted the jerk from my friend list on myspace. And I let him have it on IM that I was not going to be a doormat and I was not going to be blamed for how everyone else has treated him. And that if he didn't get his bitterness taken care of, it was going to eat him from the inside out. (Which made me think of Bleeker's song "Inside Out.")

I was yet again, trying to take the control back from God. And He, yet again, saves me from myself. Why is He so good to me over and over and over?

I want a boyfriend who becomes a husband. But this little episode again shows me that I really want it God's way. My way never works for me. My way stinks every single time. I'm glad I'm learning, but I wish I'd just get it learned already.

Made The Phone Call

Yes, I did. I called the Center for Christian Counseling. I haven't actually made an appointment, but will talk to the lady tomorrow I think. Of course, I'm already worried about that conversation. Do I call her by her first name or do I call her Dr? Sheesh!

I'm stepping in the right direction at least.

It's Too Hard

Two friends at church last night said they could tell I was sad because they could see it in my eyes.

I don't mind writing about myself - if you've read my stuff, you already know that. But I can't talk about myself. It's too hard - but not in the way you might think. (Disclaimer: the use of you below is the generic, anyone in the world, you.)

It's too hard to have you looking at me. It's too hard to because I can't edit and delete and start over. It's too hard because I get nervous and stumble over my words. It's too hard because there might be long pauses where you might think you need to fill it up with words. It's too hard because I don't know what you're thinking and I worry about that. If I'm writing, I don't have to care about what you're thinking because I don't see you. But if you're looking at me? Yikes. The worry about what you're thinking takes up the front of my brain and I can't communicate anything else because it gets shoved below the worry. It's too hard because what I'm feeling is probably stupid. In fact, I know that the things that are making me sad are stupid because they are minor things. There are others who have so much more difficult things to deal with; my stuff is trivial and actually quite selfish. It's too hard because I don't know if you really care. I mean, I know you care, but, maybe I don't understand why you care. It's too hard because if I share my heart with you out loud, you might go away. It's too hard because I love you so much and don't want you to go away.

I argued with my friends last night that I wasn't sad.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Guys Are Weird

So my myspace IMing friend has IMd me a few times. He's having a rough time with his marital situation. The cool thing is how up front I'm being about God and how He's been there for me and that maybe he should try Him too. Of course we chat about other things and it's easy to get flirty while IMing and somehow guys always have to go sexual in some way. Why is that? Oh, never mind. I know why. And to be honest, I'm sure it's not all guys. I wish I wasn't such a sucker for a good writer.

But anyway - I was very up front about how I will save all that fun stuff until I get married. I'm proud of myself for that too, because I wasn't that up front recently with another bloke because I didn't want to ruin my chances to get a kiss. I very much now wish I had ruined my chances, but you live and learn. Anyway (I keep getting off topic) I was trying to tell him that I wanted to wait because if a guy could make that kind of commitment to me and still want me - then he's a guy worth keeping. So my IM friend says, "I don't believe in that." I said, "you don't believe in what exactly?" And he replies, "We'll save that for another time. I've got to go to bed." That was quite a quick exit.

Now I'll be really surprised if I ever do hear from him again, seeing as how he knows he's not getting any from me. And I don't care one way or another - he's got way too many issues - number one being that he's still married. But it still shows how weird guys are. (I don't know if I have any male readers anymore. No offense. You're not all bad.)

This whole thing is making me remember another IM friend I had. He was separated too, but a Christian and I fell pretty hard for him. That's putting it mildly. I crashed and burned. Last December we came to the conclusion that we couldn't talk anymore because I couldn't keep it just at the friendship level and he was in no place to go over the friendship line (plus who knows if the thought ever crossed his mind anyway.) It's been almost a year. That fact amazes me. I wrote about this a lot back then, feel free to look back through my pain. I haven't been able to.

I didn't think I would be able to live with that pain. I hadn't realized how hard I had fallen. I haven't seen him since either - we used to see each other at school occasionally. I've almost seen him twice this year, but strategically kept myself out of view. He was also at Wal-mart right before school started - his son came to say hi to me. Holy crap - did I try to go where I didn't think he'd go. I kept looking around, but also trying to hide. I wanted to see him, but I didn't want him to see me - it was comical. I don't know how to look him in the face. I've never fallen for someone and let him know about it and been rejected. Actually, I haven't fallen that hard very many times in my life. I felt like this guy knew me better than anyone ever did - ever. I opened my heart and then had to retreat. Wow that hurt. I've gotten very nostalgic about him. I wonder if he's OK. I hope his heart healed from his broken marriage. I wish something could happen between us. I keep hoping that someday he'll contact me again. It's a silly hope. He didn't feel the same way about me. I accept that now. But every time the phone rings and I don't recognize the number - a crazy hope overtakes me that it'll be him. He's like the first face that pops into my head. It's weird because it's been a year!

Which brings me to the point of this post. IM is very dangerous for me. I totally let my heart go out to the first guy. He was always a perfect gentleman - only slightly flirty, which of course I always second-guessed because I wasn't sure if he really was being flirty or if I just was hoping that he was. (He probably wasn't at all. I'm the one who had feelings - not him.) We filled an emotional need for each other. That's the dangerous part. Then there was this friend of a friend who I liked recently. And now I have this new IM friend who is very needy emotionally. But I'm very aware of the emotional trap that IM can lead to. I still think it's fun, but I hope I'm doing a better job at being guarded. I don't want to fall for someone this way again. It's too painful.

I'm not sure why I just rambled out that whole story. Except that my memories are all rushing up to the front and I wish for things that will never happen. But it's all in God's hands. He knows who is right for me. I just wonder why, after a year, the feelings haven't just gone away. Why are they still so near the surface? Then of course, I drift off into the "wouldn't that be the greatest story? How I liked him all this time and he liked me too but wanted to heal from his heartbreak and how we became friends again and fell in love. . . ."

It would be a great story.

He's Listening

Funny how God works. My rant yesterday (about being trapped by negative feelings) was answered today. A friend (thanks Lisa) sent me an email newsletter she got and this was the beginning:

Become a Strong Woman Who Rises to Fight

Whitney Hopler

Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Holly Wagner's new book, Warrior Chicks, (Regal, 2007).

Life is full of crises that can defeat you if you go through them passively. But no matter what type of crisis comes your way -- a scary medical diagnosis, an unexpected financial burden, a painful broken relationship -- you can emerge victorious if you rise to fight.

Here's how you can become a warrior who taps into the power to overcome anything:

Believe that you're beautiful. Combat the lie that the culture often perpetuates -- that you're not beautiful enough and must constantly work to hide your flaws. Embrace the truth that you're beautiful just as you are, because God made you that way on purpose. Ask God to help you see yourself as He sees you. Instead of comparing yourself to others, be grateful for your uniquely beautiful features. Live in the confidence of God's love for you.

Now does this mean I am magically fixed? Of course not. But if I start praying to see myself as God sees me, maybe I'll be stepping in the right direction. It's just so hard! We're slammed by the media with the ideal visual and I'm not there. I'll never be there. Ever. So in the world's eyes - I'm not ideal. I just have to not care about the world, which is much easier said than done.

The Crazy Circle

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets swallowed up in negative thoughts about myself? Do you guys do that? Do you constantly think horrible thoughts about yourself? I know the idea has been raised many times that I should seek counseling. Have I done anything about it? No. Why not? Fear. What exactly am I afraid of? Being seen as weak in front of someone. Ah-ha - I would worry about what they think of me. Holy crap. It is a crazy circle.

But I'm also a bit bothered about the hate feelings that welled up inside me yesterday. Where did those come from? It's been 4 years. Yes, I've been angry with X since then, but I've forgiven him. I feel like I've forgiven him. Wouldn't I know if I haven't? Maybe it's because they are having another baby? Ugh. Who knows.

The myspace guy IMd Nire today. It was nothing - just telling her about a Star Wars game coming out soon. No hello or anything. He sent her a link. How does Nire feel? Totally relieved. She doesn't care if he ever IMs her again - at least she knows he is not consumed with hatred for her. Sheesh.

Last night, after dumping my stuff on here, I decided to give God some time. I've been neglecting Him recently. I prayed - "God, please speak to me. I need something to help me see the truth." The next Psalm I was to read was 77. I know it's long. I would summarize, but I won't do it justice.

Psalm 77
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. Of Asaph. A psalm.

1 I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.

2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;
I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
Selah

4 You kept my eyes from closing;
I was too troubled to speak.

5 I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago;

6 I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:

7 "Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?

8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?

9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Selah

10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal:
the years of the right hand of the Most High."

11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.

13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?

14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.

15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah

16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.

17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.

18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.

19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.

20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

Did you catch verse 8? "Has His unfailing love vanished forever?" I'm always questioning God's unfailing love. (Why?) Then in verse 12, Asaph turns himself around. He thinks to himself, "Wait - let's just spend a few seconds thinking about all the things God HAS done." I did that a little last night - God's been AMAZING to me. So why do I continue to question?

But it's funny - I question whether everyone likes me or not. Where does this lack of self-worth come from? I think people would describe me as confident. I hide my insecurity very well. You, right now, reading this? I've probably asked myself if you really liked me. I've probably uttered the words, "I don't think she/he likes me at all." Sad, right? Why? It does kind of make sense that I question why God would continue to like me if I wonder about my best friends from time to time. Heck, best friends? Try all humans! Notice a pattern? Why do I need constant reassurance from others? Why do I try to do everything I can so others will like me? Does it come from being adopted? Do I feel abandoned since birth? Does it come from having an alcoholic father and a drug addict for a brother? Does it come from having a mom who was crazy over the other two that I never felt like I got much attention? Or a grandmother who always says I'm her granddaughter - but not by blood? Does it come from having a spouse who abandons me for another woman?

Yeah, yeah. I already know what you're thinking. "It's called counseling, stupid." But we've already covered that fear.

The thing is - I don't feel hopeless. Not at all. I don't even feel very sad at this moment. I just question everyone's motives. I'm not sure why people like me. I really and truly don't need your reassurance that you really really do like me. On some level - I totally and honestly know that. But there's always this little thing that pops up from time to time where I go through a wondering faze.

Ugh. I need sleep.

Frustration

I don't even know how to explain my frustration without making it sound trivial. Right there - that tells me it shouldn't be a problem. I'm the one making it a problem.

Let's just say there's this girl. We'll call her Nire. She somehow hurts some guy's feelings, but really not because he's the one with the issues. Nire doesn't even know this guy - at all - just chatted with him from myspace. (Nire think myspace is from the devil. Ha.) The guy is super sensitive she supposes - going through a divorce does that to you. (Disclaimer - Nire knows it could all be a fabrication - it is the internet - but let's just give him the benefit of the doubt.) Nire makes it clear to him that she could not get involved with anyone who was still legally married (not that she'd get involved with anyone from myspace anyway, but there has got to be Christians out there somewhere). But chatting with him is fun. He flips out, talking about how he feels like he's an outcast, everyone runs from him when they hear he's separated, blah, blah, blah. Nire is very surprised by the outburst and tries to apologize for hurting his feelings. She didn't mean to. She never thought he had the plague or whatever he was ranting about. But he won't really accept her apology - wouldn't respond to her email. It bugs the crap out of Nire.

The frustration is because I care too much about what people think about me - even strangers! (Surprise - I'm Nire. Oh, you already figured that out? I haven't written in code for so long - I'm surprised that one didn't work.) Here is a total stranger that I don't even care about and I'm bothered because I somehow upset him. It's bothered me all day. I've said my piece to him but I'm still bugged by it. Why? Why am I still bugged?

I even told my friends Debbie and Shannon at church that I feel so guilty every time I see a person who works in the nursery. I stepped down (oh all right - quit) working in the nursery because it was stressing me out. Kids all day. Kid at home. Kids on the weekend. I hated it. But when I'd see someone from the nursery, I just knew they were thinking bad things about me - Erin the quitter - and talking about me. I just felt covered in guilt for not following through on huge need at church. Debbie and Shannon both looked at me like I was crazy - Debbie refreshed my memory that it's totally Satan trying to mess with me. But I don't want people to think badly of me. Sheesh - this is actually bringing tears!

It was a strange day. There is this wonderful lady at school who recently went through the falling apart of her marriage. It was for the same reasons that mine fell apart. Well, her almost ex husband came to school today to eat lunch with their kids. When I saw him, all this crap welled up inside me. I felt hatred toward this man that I really don't even know! Like all the angry feelings I felt for my ex when I was in the midst of the worst pain came rushing to the surface. It was strange. He waved and smiled at me (I taught their son) and I had to force myself to wave back. Where did that come from? It left me kind of defeated feeling.

I'm sure it's because I haven't made God important the last few days. I was exhausted this weekend and took a nap Sunday. Totally slept through church! So I didn't even get my weekend boost. I have issues I need to deal with - that's what Shannon would tell me. I could cry right now and I'm not really sure why.

Why can't nice guys from church talk to me? Losers seem to have no problem. Creepy guys seem to have no problem. Nice guys who aren't Godly seem to have no problem.

My focus is wrong again. I know. I know. I know. UGH!

Psalm 45:11 The King is enthralled by my beauty - The King. He's the one who matters. Abba Father - help me. Please?

More Proof

It's just so sad. It's such a true statement of our worldly world.

I was reading people.com today at lunch, as I do every day. (Don't judge me!) I came across an article that described Pamela Anderson's take on the fight between her two ex's at the VMAs - Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. Blah, blah, blah, who cares. But one sentence popped out. She was on Ellen DeGeneres recently and Ellen asked her if she was involved with anyone now.

"I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love," Anderson told DeGeneres. "It's so romantic. It's romance."

She paid off a poker debt with sex and it was romantic? I'm confused. I'm so very confused.

It's just more proof to me that I want none of that. I want to wait. I think, after my most recent escapade, that kissing will most likely be off limits for quite a while. I want it God's way. I won't settle for anything less. He is enthralled with my beauty and I will honor Him.

Enthralled By My Beauty

Every woman who reads this will totally know what I'm saying. You have the days where you just think to yourself - I'm fat, ugly and no one will ever love me. Right? We've all done it.

I copied this verse on a post-it note and taped it to my mirror. I read it every time I look in the mirror. I'm inhaling it into my very soul. I want to believe it. You should too.

Psalm 45:11
The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord.

Enthralled - do you get the power behind that word? It means being held spellbound or captive. To be enslaved. To be filled with wonder and delight.

Our King is enthralled by each and every one of us. Enthralled, ladies. Completely enthralled.

I want to give Him my honor. I want to give Him my purity. He is all that matters and He is enthralled - by my beauty! Feels good. :-)

Hey Erin - You Listening?

Most of you know I've been struggling with a temptation recently. The thought that has gone through my mind is that everyone else has done it, so why can't I? Everyone else has their "fun" and has survived so - why can't I? Why do I have to make the right choice? My body is telling me one thing - my mind another - and my heart knows the truth. But ~ I want what I want.

I think we all have a struggle with something. And it can change to a different struggle over time. I think we try to hide these struggles from everyone because either we're that prideful or we're that ashamed (which is actually just another form of pride).

I've been very much up and down in my decision making process. I've made up my mind that I'm going to go ahead and do what I want if the opportunity presents itself. I've been back to I'll wait. I've thought about doing what I want again. At this moment, I KNOW I don't want to be used - and that's a big improvement! It's not my intent to do the wrong thing.

A few days ago I bought the new Casting Crowns CD. I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet - Elyssa makes me listen to High School Musical 2 every time we're in the car. But I think it's because God wanted me to really hear a song today, when it was just me, quiet in the car. I'll paste the lyrics here, but you need to listen to it sometime. It's worth thinking about. Our downfall is many times just a slow fade.

Slow Fade/Casting Crowns/The Altar & The Door
Be careful little eyes what you see
It’s the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings.
Be careful little feet where you go
For it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It’s a slow fade, it’s a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattering leads to compromises, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises leave broken hearts astray

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid

When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you’re thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It’s a slow fade when you give yourself away
It’s a slow fade when black and white are turned to gray
And thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh, be careful little eyes what you see

First Day of School

Proudly showing the new backpack.

Can you see some of my Star Wars stuff in the background?

Look at my second grader!

Smart Friends

I have the best friends. One of my friends wrote me the greatest thing today and I wanted to share it. I've changed some names to protect the innocent.

it's not the guy you like at all. and as for that, i think you are better off this way. i love the guy you like and i still think he's a good guy, but just not the guy for you. i watched a video thing the other night at church and it made me think of our similar desires~marriage and baby. the guy that spoke created veggie tales. he talked about how he created this multi- million dollar company and thought he was doing good because it was all for God (teaching about Christ etc). well, he ended up going bankrupt after a series of events. all the while he was wondering why God wasn't stepping in to save him. after all, he was working to bring people to God. Anyway, his point at the end was that he had let his dream of creating this huge company with all it's productions become more important to him than God. Even though the whole purpose behind his company's goal was to teach about Christ, he had let the dream become more important. he put his relationship with God on the back burner. he said anything we are unwilling to let go of is an idol that we are choosing to worship instead of focusing on HIM. This part hit me really hard~~~~~ Give it all to God. Remain faithful to Him and realize (no matter how crappy or painful..this is my addition) that He may or may not realize your dream but that's ok because you have God. God didn't realize your dream with the guy you liked because He knew it wasn't right for you. He knows your desires and He will fulfill them. I hold that truth close to my heart. I know one day you will be find Mr. Right and one day I will have another child. It may not be the person or the path that WE would have chosen, but what do we know, right?!!

My pastor talks about how we hold some things tightly in our hands and that's making it an idol. I've got to learn to unclench my fist.

First Day Back

I miss my summer.

Got to school at 7:55 am.

Left school at 8:55 pm.

What the heck?

The Dark is Rising

New movie coming out based on Susan Cooper's book The Dark is Rising. Maybe you've heard of the first one in the series - Over Sea, Under Stone. They were written in the 70s. I wanted to read them before the movie comes out. I was reading last night and two quotes jumped out at me.

"He must not only be very brave, he must really love you as if he were your son," said Will, "to do things like this for you and the Light."
"But still he is only a man," said Merriman, and his voice was rough and the pain back deep in his face. "And he loves as a man, requiring proof of love in return."

This is my trap - loving as a human. Demanding proof of love in return.

The other quote illustrates temptation so well.

"So it will go," Merriman said. "He will have a sweet picture of the Dark to attract him, as men so often do, and beside it he will set all the demands of the Light, which are heavy and always will be. All the while he will be nursing his resentment of the way I might have had him give up his life without reward. You can be sure the Dark makes no sign of demanding any such thing - yet. Indeed, its lords never risk demanding death, but only offer a black life. . . ."

Something to think about.

Like A Child

Why do we drift so far from God? Even when we know we're doing it, but can't seem to turn it back. Even when we know how horrible we feel - even when we know we're unhappy - we still step away from Him.

I go to the greatest church of all time. Our pastor is amazing - so very real. He reminded me of something on Sunday.

As parents, there are times we deny our children things. Maybe it's candy before dinner or a new toy. Maybe it's telling her to get out of the pool now or leave a friend's house. My pastor's example was telling your child not to walk on the back of the couch that's right in front of a big window. But you know how when you do it - when you say no - you get that look from your child like you are stealing her joy? Your child thinks you are the most heartless, awful person in the world. How could you deny your child this happiness? You deny her that happiness, because you, the parent, see the bigger picture. You want to increase her joy later in life. You know that candy before dinner is not healthy. You know that falling through a window brings huge pain. You know more than your child.

Is our Heavenly Father any less knowledgeable? He knows the window is dangerous. He knows you will be cut to ribbons if you fall through it. He knows if you date the wrong person - the pain will be almost unbearable. He knows these things will hurt, so He graciously denies us these things. We, the children, throw tantrums. I know I do. We can't see past right now.

I want to remember this lesson. Lord, help me remember. I've been so unhappy for the last month. Maybe I didn't know how unhappy I was until just recently, but my focus has been wrong and it's been wearing me down.

I have a problem. I think that I should be better than this. It reminds me of Anakin in Star Wars. (Go ahead and sigh. I don't blame you. I'm a freak!) Anakin tells Padme in Episode II that he killed all the Sand People - women and children too. He was consumed by anger. She tells him that being angry is being human. He says, "I am a Jedi. I can be better than this." I think somewhere in my brain I have a plaque that reads, "I am a Christian. I can be better than this." Maybe my expectations are too high? I think when I fail, I don't deserve to be taken back. Or I don't understand somehow why I am being given another chance. Or I don't get why He wants me back after I've let Him down so many times. Why does He still love me even when I screw up in the same way over and over? Does that make sense?

I had a friend that I wrote with a lot last year. He had a great way of pointing out - God's showing Erin that He loves her again. It was just cool. I'm not sure why I can't just get it. Then I get upset because I think I should be getting it by now and the whole cycle starts again. You fail people too many times and they don't love you any more. You don't get chances over and over again with humans. Why can't I get that God is different than that?

Yeah, I know - CALL THE COUNSELOR!

Apologies

My words hurt people and I don't even mean it that way. I'm so selfish right now. I'm so sorry.

I think it best if I chill out for awhile and not dump out my whole heart here. Because, honestly, what purpose is it serving? Maybe it helps me to unload, but if what I'm saying is hurting my best friends - making them think things or doubt me - it's not worth it.

I'm done for awhile.

(OK - so it was for a very short while. But I am going to try to stop unleashing the depths of my heart. I don't think that's good for anyone. But I also don't know if I can actually stop writing that way. It's what I do. I just don't know.)

Too Much

Lots of anguish last night. I should stop writing in public when I'm feeling like that. I did spend lots of time writing, praying and reading with God last night. I actually threw my journal across the room - it was a strange feeling. I've never done that before. It crumpled some pages. I couldn't leave it that way for long - that's just being mean to the poor book.

I don't know that I'm in a better spot just yet. At home group tonight, some ladies were talking about accepting that God may want us single. I felt like God was just throwing it up in my face again. I hate hearing that. I hate thinking like that. I don't like it. It makes me mad. Why would God choose that for me? And if He did want that for me - why would He make me desire a husband so badly?

I wrote about Hind's Feet - the book we're reading. One lady pointed out the following paragraph. I remember reading it and thinking, "That just plain sucks."

It is God's will that some of His children should learn this deep union with Himself through the perfect flowering of natural human love in marriage. For others it is equally His will that the same perfect union should be learned through the experience of learning to lay down completely this natural and instinctive desire for marriage and parenthood, and accept the circumstances of life which deny them this experience. This instinct for love, so firmly implanted in the human heart, is the supreme way by which we learn to desire and love God Himself above all else.

It's not fair. I'm supposed to be married. Stupid X is the one who cheated. Not me. It wasn't me who wanted out. I'm supposed to be married right now - not single. Not lonely. Not by myself. So how is that fair? How is that good? How is that working for the good of those who love Christ? It doesn't fit. It just doesn't.

I fear that I will never accept that God wants me single. I don't want to accept it. I don't. Not at all.

I don't want to be single.

So Explain It

I don't get it.

Yipee - God answered one prayer super fast. He sure is amazing, isn't He? (Lightning is going to strike me dead if I don't quite yelling at Him.) Tell me why He won't answer the rest of them? I've prayed for a husband. Nothing. I've prayed to not be lonely anymore. Nothing. I've prayed to be happy with my place. Nothing. I've prayed to be accepting. Nothing. I've prayed to not care. Nothing. I've prayed that I'll look at what I've got instead of what I don't have. Nothing. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I stopped praying. Nothing. I ask for something drastic so I won't like a guy - and THAT one He answers immediately.

Explain it to me because I just don't get it.

I hate where I am right now. Hate it. Hate it with all my being. Hate feeling stupid. Hate getting my hope up. Hate caring. Hate pretending I don't care. Hate feeling helpless. Hate knowing that for the 5 million good women, there are maybe 2 good men out there. Hate that I don't feel I have one single special thing to offer anyone. Hate that I can't talk to people I don't know. Hate hate hate crying. Hate being selfish. Hate it all. I won't say I hate myself - but I'm not real fond of me right now.

You'll tell me to let it go. You'll tell me to lay it at the cross. Maybe I'm just stupid. I thought I did that. I must be stupid because I just can't do it right. So what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

I Asked For It

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

I finally prayed about it last night. I said, "God - You are going to have to do something drastic because I don't want to stop liking him."

This morning, my friend tells me that he is taking a job with his company where he will go out of the country for two months.

I don't want to hear any crap about "it's for the best" or anything like that. It just goes to prove the God doesn't want me to have any fun. (OK - I don't really mean that, but it's how I feel right now.)

This stinks. And I feel stupid for being upset at all. It was one freakin' date!

Can I say it one more time - I HATE DATING!

Are You There, Erin?

Funny how I can ignore God for a few minutes (days/whatever) but He won't stay gone long. I've been thinking about something lately and just haven't been able to really pray about it. So this comes by email today.

Untangling Life's Knots
by Max Lucado

It’s your best friend’s wedding. “I’ll take care of the reception,” you’d volunteered. You planned the best party possible. You hired the band, rented the hall, catered the meal, decorated the room, and asked your Aunt Bertha to bake the cake.

Now the band is playing and the guests are milling, but Aunt Bertha is nowhere to be seen. Everything is here but the cake. You sneak over to the pay phone and dial her number. She’s been taking a nap. She thought the wedding was next week.

Oh boy! Now what do you do? Talk about a problem! Everything is here but the cake …

Sound familiar?

It might. It’s exactly the dilemma Jesus’ mother, Mary, was facing. Back then, wine was to a wedding what cake is to a wedding today.

What Mary faced was a social problem. No need to call 911, but no way to sweep the embarrassment under the rug, either.

When you think about it, most of the problems we face are of the same caliber. We’re late for a meeting. We leave something at the office. A coworker forgets a report. Mail gets lost. Traffic gets snarled. The waves rocking our lives are not life threatening yet. But they can be. A poor response to a simple problem can light a fuse.

For that reason you might want to note how Mary reacted. Her solution poses a practical plan for untangling life’s knots. “They have no more wine,” she told Jesus (John 2:3). That’s it. That’s all she said. She didn’t go ballistic. She simply assessed the problem and gave it to Christ.

It’s so easy to focus on everything but the solution. Mary didn’t do that. She simply looked at the knot, assessed it, and took it to the right person. “I’ve got one here I can’t untie, Jesus.”

“When all the wine was gone Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine’” (John 2:3).

Please note, she took the problem to Jesus before she took it to anyone else. A friend told me about a tense deacons’ meeting he attended. Apparently there was more agitation than agreement, and after a lengthy discussion, someone suggested, “Why don’t we pray about it?” to which another questioned, “Has it come to that?”

What causes us to think of prayer as the last option rather than the first?

Simpsonized!

Elyssa
Erin

Stuck

Do you ever get to a place in your life where you know you need to be talking to God about your crap, but you aren't sure how to broach the subject with Him?

It's the weirdest feeling. I know I need to talk to Him. I know that He already knows what I need to talk about. But I'm just having a hard time doing it. It's so strange. It's like I know it in my head, but won't let go of my heart. I know He's there. But I don't let myself feel Him there.

I've been able to talk about it with a few friends. Here I am writing about it - kind of - no details on this one, sorry. But there's something holding me back from talking about it with God. I know the right thing to do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I want to do what I want to do. But I also don't want to abuse His grace. But I know what He'll say and I don't want to hear it. Not right now. Avoiding Him is not working out for me too well. Somehow He always pops up.

AUGH!

Good Thing

I guess it's a good thing that school starts soon.

I AM SO BORED!

Stupid X

I have to share a new Stupid X story.

When I was driving back to the airport in Chicago, X calls. He starts rambling on about something and then asks me if I had ever though of making a big move?

I said, "Huh?"

He rambles some more - something about how when my dad and grandma die, my mom will most likely live with me. Did I think it might be possible that we'd make a big move - like away from Texas?

I said, "Huh?"

I asked him if they were thinking about moving to New York. That's where they are both from - Stanton Island. (Why'd I marry a Yankee? Sheesh!) He is feuding with his family so he doesn't speak to them at all. He doesn't allow Elyssa to see her grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins. Isn't that sad? All of the wife's family is up there. There's really no point in them being down here. So they are talking about moving.

He's asking me if I'll move to New York also! Can you believe it? "Sure, I'd love to leave everything I know and move. I'll leave my job and my friends and my church to go live in a place that costs more to live where I will know no one and where it's very doubtful that I would be able to get a teaching job and where almost everyone is Catholic (no offense to all you real Catholics out there). That sounds like a great plan! And I know my mom is just dying to leave the only place she's ever lived and move up north" Ha.

I just don't get him sometimes. Of course, my first thought of him moving is that I'd hardly ever have to see him. Yipee! Then I had the selfish (very selfish) thought of how I'd never get a break from parenting. Then I thought about how devastated Elyssa will be if this happens. She's got a step-sister she loves and a half sister who is only one. They are pregnant again - did I ever mention that? So that'll be 3 siblings that she will never get to see. They will grow up as a little family and Elyssa will be the outsider. It makes me want to cry. I don't worry about her going up there for extended periods of time - he won't keep her an entire month. She'd go for a few weeks at the start of summer and then again at the end of summer. I can totally handle that. But she'll be an outsider over time. She doesn't deserve that. She didn't ask for this. You know?

Poor kid.

I'm Not That Girl

I'm not sure what the deal is with me. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I'm just foolish. I've got too much stupid stuff in my head. This song made me cry tonight. Blech.

I'm Not That Girl
Wicked Soundtrack

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl.

Wanting

Why is it that if you get a little bit, you always want more? This applies to so many things in our lives. Stuff, money, love, affection, kisses . . . .

Why can't I be satisfied? Why can't I be patient? Why can't I get what I want right now?

Good things come to those who wait. Blah blah blah. That doesn't help at all.

Home Again

Chicago was awesome!

Christy - we had a great time. Thanks for everything!

Finished

I just finished reading. I've been crying for the last half hour. It is a perfect ending.

Thank you, Harry. What an amazing journey.

Harry Potter

I have a funny Harry Potter story to tell! I pre-ordered the book 7-8 months ago. I have been so excited about it coming. I knew it was coming today and figured the mailman would leave it on the porch like he does with everything else. We got home from Elyssa's soccer game. I couldn't see a box from the street and got kind of concerned. Then, as I walked closer to the house, I noticed one of those little yellowish slips that say "we tried to deliver. . . ." I almost cried! It said that I could pick up my delivery on MONDAY! AUGH! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEN!

I ran inside and called the post office. The lady said that it would have to be Monday. She was very nice and apologetic. I decided to drive up to the post office and force them to give me my book! Talk about going postal! I'm almost near tears. Not really, but I was angry and disappointed and worried. My adrenaline was really kicking up. I had to get my book!

I got Elyssa and her step-sister in the car. We started to drive and I saw a postal truck. Screeech! I get out and ask him if he delivers to my street. Sadly, he does not. BUT - he knew where my guy would usually be at this time of day. YEAH! We drive over to that area and begin cruising up and down every street. I begin praying, "Please God. Let me find my book!" I told Elyssa and Gab that their job was to look for the postman. One street. Two streets. Third street - THERE HE IS! I pull up behind him and run to his side of the truck and hold up my delivery slip and ask him if he delivers on my street. HE DOES! I said, "Can I please have my Harry Potter book?" He broke out in a big smile and stopped his car. He said to bear with him while he gets it and scans it. I said I'd wait all day. I told him I'd go get him a drink if he'd like one! He just laughed.

THERE IT IS! IT'S IN HIS HANDS! He checks my slip and tells me how he would usually just leave boxes on the porch, but with this book they had explicit instructions to confirm delivery. He said he was lucky, he only had 7 to deal with - not many readers in my area. He handed it to me and I squealed with joy! He laughed even harder. I thanked him profusely and carried my precious bundle back to my car. I yahooed with joy again and heard him laughing.

I opened the box in my car and just couldn't put my book down on the seat. I then carried it into my house and held it for awhile. I can't start reading it because I have too much to do to get ready to go out of town. If I start, I won't be able to stop. I'm also one of those who likes to peek at the last page, but am resisting temptation with this one.

Yea, Harry Potter! Yea, United States Postal Worker who was so kind!

Woo-hoo!

Hind's Feet

I'm reading a book given to me by my home group leaders. It's called Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I had to research what the heck hinds' feet were because I've never heard that expression. A Hind is a type of female red deer who is able to put her back feet in the exact spot her front feet were. She doesn't falter going up the mountain because she knows exactly where to step.

Habakkuk 3:19
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

This book is an allegory, not so different from something like Pilgrim's Progress. It is about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Place. The Chief Shepherd asked her to go there with Him. She lives in the Valley of Humiliation with Fear - her family. I want to share some of it with you, but if right now you're going blah blah blah. . . feel free to skip this post.

So much of the story struck a nerve in me - a nerve I thought was better hidden than it actually is. The Shepherd asks her to allow Him to plant the seed of True Love in her heart. The Seed is very sharp; He lets her know that if she is to know true Love, then she will also have to know Pain. She accepts that and then He tells her she will have two guides to accompany her to the High Place. She, being all giddy on Love, tells Him that she will accept with joy whomever He choses to be her guides. She tells Him that she doesn't feel like she'll ever be afraid again.

He walks with her for awhile, leading her toward the High Place. Soon, though, He tells her He must leave her with her guides now. She is a bit distraught. She wants Him to stay with her. She says that with Him she feels strong. He tells her that He could stay with her and carry her up the mountain, but then she would never develop her hinds' feet and then would not be able to go where He goes. Guess who her companions are? Sorrow and Suffering! Much-Afraid can't believe it! She asks Him why can't He choose Joy and Peace to be her companions. He says, "Will you trust Me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back. . . ?"

Isn't that so much like us? We tell our Savior that we will accept His decisions, but then when we get those decisions - um. . . this isn't what I had in mind, Jesus. Are You sure? To be more personal - "Jesus? I didn't want divorce. I don't want loneliness. I don't want what you've chosen for me." How prideful am I? I know better than He? Nothing in my life is by accident. He knew all the steps I would take before I took them. It's easy to trust when things are going well, isn't it?

She asks Him, "Help me to trust You as much as I long to love you." She continues her journey, soon traveling in the Desert. She stops and tells her companions that she can't go that way. It's a total contradiction of all that He promised her. She cries out to Him and He comes to her immediately. "No," said the Shepherd, "it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." She tells Him that it could be months or even years in the desert! He asks her, "Much-afraid, do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with Me into the desert?"

Do we love Him enough to follow His footsteps where ever they may lead?

Later on, Much-Afraid is attacked by her enemies: Pride, Self-Pity, Resentment and Bitterness. She throws off Pride at one point and the Shepherd is there to celebrate with her. He tells her to remember her promise that she will wait patiently until He gives her her heart's desire.

There's my struggle. I do not wait patiently for my heart's desire. I don't think it will ever come. I don't think He will do it for me. Maybe I should take matters in my own hands? He doesn't care enough because He hasn't given it to me yet. I'm so full of myself. It's a different kind of pride attacking me - not the arrogant "I'm the best" kind of pride. It's the opposite of that. It's the "I'm not worthy of any good thing" kind of pride. More quiet perhaps, but just as deadly.

That's as far as I've gotten in the book. She got through the desert and ascended the Precipice of Injury. She's about to go into the Forest of Danger and Tribulation. She's learning many things. She's learning about acceptance with Joy. She's learning to accept Sorrow and Suffering. I'm so much like her - much afraid of giving up myself and leaning on the Shepherd. My pastor gave me hope and comfort on Sunday. He said that spiritual growth is slow. We live in a culture where everything is based on speed. We want it now and usually we get it now. Spiritual growth is not like that. You don't really see it happening. He compared it to watching children grow. We could stare at them for days, but we won't see it happen.

Just remember, it does happen. It takes effort and trust and work. But it does happen.

What If I Stumble?

Subtle Reminders

How can you not love Star Wars? I'm reading Sacrifice, which is part of the Expanded Universe. I have to give you a little background so that what I want to say makes sense.

Hopefully you all know Luke and Leia. Well, Leia married Han Solo and they had 3 kids: twins Jacen & Jaina and Anakin. Luke married a lady named Mara Jade and they had one son, Ben (named after Ben Kenobi). Sacrifice is set about 40 years after Episode IV (A New Hope). Jacen has decided the only way to save the galaxy (the galaxy is always in trouble) is to become a Sith like his grandfather Darth Vader. Luke knows that trouble is brewing - he can feel the dark side coming closer. But Jacen is such an powerful Jedi, Luke can not pinpoint the danger. Luke fears for his son Ben. He thinks the dark side is after Ben. He has no idea what his nephew Jacen is up to.

One night, Luke is awakened and feels the dark side near. It's been in his home. (It was the Sith teacher, Lumiya - but that's getting into detail that will only confuse you. I'll spare you.) He realizes that over the years, he has allowed himself to become "management" instead of rushing to the aide of the needy as he did when he was younger. He thinks:

I know what my problem is. And now I act sensibly and soberly, because I'm the leader of the Jedi Council, and I'm not nineteen anymore.

What he did best was right wrongs, and if he couldn't put this right for his only child, then what was he?

I forgot who I am.

He was an uncomplicated man who cared enough about his friends and family to die for them, if that was what it took to save them.

Even the great Luke Skywalker forgot.

Even the "always a good girl" Erin forgot. I'm more in my right mind now. I've been talking about it with good friends. I'm not trying to do it all by myself. I've opened communication with God again. :-) I'm not saying exactly what He wants to hear, I'm sure, but at least I'm talking to Him again. I'm trying to remember.

Of course, it is easy to have convictions when the temptation is in California. . . .

Everything by Lifehouse

Easy to Forget

Felt like a fraud walking into church tonight. I know I've let God down with a current decision. I haven't totally crossed the line, but let's just say I got closer than I thought I would. Oh, it's so easy to have convictions when there's no temptation in front of you. It's so easy to say what I would or would not do when it's just me. Alone. What a joke I am. I still haven't really talked about it all with God. I've failed Him and it's hard to face. And part of me still wants the fun. Am I one of those Christians? The kind who knows our God is forgiving so I'll do what I want because I know He'll forgive me? I don't want to be one of those. That's a pathetic way to use His grace. I'm not like that. Am I?

We sang a few songs and I got teary. I almost always get teary during worship. I get filled up and it overflows. Then a song was played that just broke me. I sat down in shame and just cried and listened. I couldn't even remember the song at the end of service. Luckily someone else did. It's called Everything by Lifehouse. The part that got me was:

You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
and how can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You

I sat down and whispered I've failed You and couldn't stop crying. The guy singing tonight was awesome. I was completely surrounded by that song and my guilty heart.

Guess what the sermon was about? How we, as Christians, can feel so moved by God - so close to Him - and then just forget. We just forget. You know the people who say if they could just see God then they would believe? It doesn't happen that way. Think of the Israelites being led by Moses out of Egypt. They saw God's miracles. They saw the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire, the manna coming to them every single day! How quickly they forgot and built a golden cow! I always thought they were so stupid. I'm so stupid. Even the disciples - they got to walk with Jesus. They got to see His miracles first hand! They got to touch Him. They saw Him die. And when He returned to them, Matthew 28:17 tells us "When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted." How can that be? Some of them doubted? Here is their risen Savior in front of them and they don't quite buy it. The pastor speaking tonight, Beau, led us to Deuteronomy 6:4-9. This is how we don't forget.

Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love Him with all that's in you, love Him with all you've got! Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates. (msg)

Why do we forget? Why do our hearts wander so easily? Why is it so hard? I'm still looking in that pit and it sure looks fun. How can I see both sides and still be torn? I'm afraid I've already made the wrong decision and I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'm pretty confident that the choice will be in front of me again. Thankfully the choice is out of town right now on business, so I have a little time. This was super easy when I was in my teens. Then I made the wrong decision and married 4 years later because he already had my heart. 17 years have passed and the choice is back. Oh, but I can justify my choice right now. It's amazing how easy I can justify what I want. I actually think I can control my heart. I actually think I can keep it separate. I've tried to pray that God will take the choice away, but I don't really mean it. Surely God knows that. I'm holding it tight in my fist - I don't want to let go.

I need a miracle.

Choices

You know it's a good date when you can write 7 pages about it in your journal. Weird how it took me 2 days to process it all before writing it down. Yeah, I do analyze things too much.

I was kind of hoping that one great date would suffice for awhile, you know? Like I'd be able to carry on for awhile not dating because at least I had one. But I want more. I want more now. It gave me the courage to ask my mechanic (who is a neighbor and I taught his daughter 12 years ago when she was in 4th) if another mechanic at his shop was married. I've thought this guy Kevin was cute ever since my divorce. So 4 years I've been eyeballing this guy - dark hair, beautiful eyes, great smile, goatee, and a full sleeve tattoo! (sounds just like me doesn't it?) Turns out he's not married. But my mechanic doesn't think he's good enough for me. James said Kevin is a great guy and awesome with kids. James even went so far as to say that Kevin would be a great dad one day. He's dated some single moms and is just great. But he's not good enough for me. I think James' exact words were that he was a man-whore, but can't I decide some of this stuff myself? James said he didn't want to get too much in my business, but he wouldn't want Kevin to date his own daughter. AUGH! It seems that no one will ever be good enough for me. Yes, I could look at it as protection and be thankful. But I've never been wild. Ever. Never ever! I was the good girl my whole life. Right now I don't want to be a good girl. I want to go a little wild.

And that, my friends, is a very dangerous path. I guess I need prayer, but can't seem to do it myself. I'm letting God down, I know. Have I even discussed any of this with Him? Nope. Been avoiding Him a bit. Because I know what He'll say and I won't like it and it won't be fun. Oh, it'll be better for me - His way is always better. But it won't be fun right now.

So now I'm standing at a pit, looking down at all the "fun" that is below me. It's right now fun. It's not wait for the future that may never come fun. It's right now. I want right now. I may never get the future. And I want it. I deserve it. But I look away from the pit. Standing behind me is a Man who loves me. He's got His arms open. I can see the holes in His hands. He loves me that much. I do love Him. And I know He knows best. But I won't get to feel His arms around me for such a long time. So I glance back into the pit. It sure looks fun in there. I do wonder why it's in a pit - fun shouldn't be in a pit, right?

What choice will I make?

Box

I don't think dating stinks anymore.

It's interesting to me how what you think you are can change so quickly. I always viewed myself in one way. Picture me in a certain box. I've been in that box for my whole life. Yeah, we know Erin. She's the girl in that box. You can always count on her to be in the same one. Forever. I'm not sure I want to be in that same box for all time. Stepping out of my box at this moment seems very exciting, but maybe dangerous. I don't know.

I think I've seen too many movies.

Dating Stinks

Is it normal for someone to ask you out and you not hear from them for a week? I hate dating! I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell the guy (if I ever hear from him again) that I don't want to go out any more. He obviously doesn't want to very much or I'd be hearing from him, right? It's been over a week! I'm not a sucker who will just go out with someone who isn't showing much interest. And no, I haven't tried contacting him. I don't call or IM men. It's their job to pursue me. I'll send an email - but not even very many of those.

Come on guys! Step up to the plate and be a man! Ask her out, but only if you like her. Let her know somehow. Sheesh! Email her. Text her. IM her. Do something!

I'm trying really hard to not go down the "what's wrong with me" slippery slope, although I'm very close to the edge. I'm teetering on the edge. And it's very very slippery.

I'm going to the movies with a girlfriend. At least I know Rachel loves me.